Being Lucky
July 30, 2009
I am lucky. Blessed. Fortunate. Pick a word.
My neighbor brought these flowers over to me yesterday. Just because.
Our children play together every day. For hours on end they are together. When the front door to my house opens and slams shut I can be assured that at least one of her children will be behind my own. The names of her children roll off my tongue when I am handing out snacks. I have given them bandages, hugs, laughed with them, laughed at them.
Her two youngest and my two youngest are inseparable. The four musketeers. They all learned to ride their bikes at the same time. They go back and forth from house to house like a little gang.
When there are arguments, as there always are with children, I reprimand everyone equally.
She does the same with my children.
We have shared bottles of wine sitting on beach chairs in our driveways. Watching all of our collective children play kickball under the streetlights at 11pm.
Earlier this week two of our older children got into a fight. Children who are old enough to know better. It doesn’t really matter what caused the fight. My son punched her son and left him crying.
I was completely mortified. And embarassed. And all of those other things that you feel when your kid is the one who was wrong. So very, very wrong. I felt like his behavior was a reflection on me, on my parenting skills, or lack there of.
I hadn’t hung out with her and her family in a few weeks prior to the hitting incident. I was feeling like I was a pest. You know that feeling when you are always the one initiating the conversations, or bringing over the wine, or suggesting a get-together. And so I just sort of stopped. I thought I had done something, though I didn’t know what, that had made her not want to be friends. And dear Lord just writing that makes me sound like I am twelve years old or pathetic. When do those insecurities end?
Yesterday when she brought over the flowers she apologized to me. She said she had been sufferring through some bad depression and had gone to the doctor and had her medication changed and finally after all these weeks she was feeling like things were going to be okay again. She was finally leaving the house.
Turns out not everything is always about me. Huh. Who would have thought. Good thing I spent all that time feeling sorry for myself. I should have been the one bringing her flowers.
It reminded me of that quote Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. No ones life is easy. It only appears that way from the outside.
I tell my kids all the time to choose kindness. It is probably about time I apply those same words to the voices in my own head. To be kind to myself.
I hope all of you have friends who call you up laughing. Never saying a word, just laughing until you both are crying. Friends who just get you. Friends who will buy you a cherry chapstick because you lost yours. Friends who make you laugh so much you have to walk away before your pee yourself.
Friends who will buy you flowers. Just because.
I hope all of you are as lucky as I am.
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Awww, now I miss my sister. Maybe I will buy plane tickets and surprise her, just because.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:40 pmA gorgeous post.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:50 pmWhat a lovely post and great reminder. Thank you. (beautiful flowers, too!)
July 30th, 2009 at 2:06 pmBe kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle… words to live by! Thanks for reminding me
July 30th, 2009 at 2:06 pmWhat an awesome post…I think this kind of thing happens to all of us at one time or another…SO nice to read it though…makes us feel like we aren’t alone! Love your blog!
July 30th, 2009 at 2:08 pmI am so glad you and your children have found such true friends. All of your relationships will only be stronger now.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:09 pmI am, I really am and now I am going to send the link to this to all the women who do things for me, just because. Friendship is like treasure and I am RICH! So happy to have read this blog today.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pmThis is why I keep coming back to your blog. One day I’m reading an entry to my husband, laughing so hard we cry and can’t breathe (the very recent vomit episode) and the next day I’m being reminded of the lives of others and how our kindness should include us all. Thank you!
Michelle
July 30th, 2009 at 2:41 pmOh, this is such a lovely reminder. I just commented that very quote on White Hot Truth this week. It is such a good prompt that things are not just always about us - and I make that mistake over, and over, and over again.
I am glad for your wonderful friendship with this person and your childrens’ friendships - those are the stuff of lifetime joy, in my experience.
And thanks for reminding me both to realize people are struggling with things we cannot see and to appreciate the people in my life.
Lindsey
July 30th, 2009 at 2:52 pmhttp://www.adesignsovast.com
That’s wonderful of her! It is truly wonderful to have great neighbors. I’m expecting my first and can’t wait for him/her to play with the amazing 2 year old next door that I’ve been smooching on for so long.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:07 pmWow, those are gorgeous!
and I am fortunate to be equally lucky.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pmI am. And she’s moving across the country sometime in the next six months.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:19 pmI’m struggling at work with the “be kind, everyone else is fighting a battle, too” because I feel like they are all ganging up on me! This note is good timing, thanks for sharing it. I’m going to contemplate it throughout the day.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:22 pmThank you for the reminder, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
July 30th, 2009 at 3:37 pmLucky, indeed. What a wonderful friend.
(Beautifully written, by the way.)
July 30th, 2009 at 3:37 pmBeautiful! Thanks for the reminder.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:38 pmLooks like you found your hood
July 30th, 2009 at 3:46 pmChris,
May I please quote a portion of this post in an email to a friend? I promise to give you full credit.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:47 pmReally well said. Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes my world can get a little too small and self-involved.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:55 pmWhat a great story (even though it involved hitting). What a beautiful friendship you have so that she knew that you were blaming yourself. I’m glad she got the help she needed as well.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:19 pmBeautiful flowers and a beautiful post.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:21 pmAmen to this post, Chris. We never know what is happening with someone else unless we ask or they tell us. Easy to draw the wrong conclusion when our own insecurities rear their ugly heads. Been there and hopefully learned the lesson. Thanks for alerting others.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:23 pmNo. I don’t have that. I want that so badly but I haven’t and can’t find that. I have had several friends that I thought were that and I tried to be a good, loving and helpful friend to them. But they all turned out to be not the people I thought so we are no longer friends. It’s so painful.
You are indeed very lucky. Cherish your friends.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:00 pmI am embarrassed by how lucky I am in that department. Thanks for reminding me.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:10 pmKindness…exactly!
FROTH AND BUBBLE
Life is mostly froth and bubble, two things stand like stone, kindness in another’s trouble, courage in your own.
- adam lindsay gordon
July 30th, 2009 at 5:12 pmWow, I totally do that, too. Seems that every time I make a friend, something happen and it seems a “burn out” is inevitable. I often blame myself… You are blessed not only to have a friend, but to have such an honest one who is transparent (in a good way) and real. The quote you shared at the end is always a great reminder.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:13 pmThat was beautiful. Thank you for making me remember that it’s not always about me and my insecurities.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:18 pmSuper lucky. What a great thing for both your families.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:19 pmExcuse me while I go sob in the corner for a while.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:31 pmI am so guilty of thinking the worst, thinking that I did something wrong, making it about me so many times. Your story is a very good reminder that’s it’s not always about us. Also, it seems like you’ve found a really nice place to live, with nice friends for both the children and the adults.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:46 pmSo, when I visit your blog I still think of CT and your life there. Is it very different living in TX? Sounds like you and your kids have a lot more neighborhood pals where you are now.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:52 pmSo sweet. Yes, I have those neighbors and friends too. And usually when one of them is pulling away, I think *I* did something too. But it’s always because *she* is going through something and probably needs me more. I’m still trying to learn this lesson.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:59 pmBeautiful friend and beautiful post!
My husband and I live overseas with no family and have moved several times requiring new friendships… We have been in our current city for 2 1/2 years and thanks to the ages of my kids I have made a few friends through school and playgroups. He has made none really beyond their husbands. One of those friends of ours kept being unavailable for meeting up etc and I said to hubby that she must be mad at me for something and I was not sure what to do and sick of being the one chasing the friendship. He reminded me (same as you) that something could be going on in her life that she has not shared with me and that (not me) could be the reason for the lull in our friendship. She has said how crazy life is right now (she works in a high stress job while i am at home) and we all met up last weekend and it was as if nothing was wrong - so i am TRUSTING that there was never a personal issue with me and will just make her aware that I am here to listen if she needs a shoulder or some help.
Thanks for the reminder - i too often feel like a 12 year old girl about friendships.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:02 pmIn the past year, I have finally found that friend. It has been years since I’ve had a “best friend” and you don’t realize the size of the void until it has been filled. Thanks for sharing that - I’m forwarding it to my girlfriend now!
July 30th, 2009 at 6:03 pmThis is what keeps us coming back for more. Funny stories, cute pictures and a glimpse into a wonderful spirit. Thanks for writing those thoughts.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:10 pmdear mandi —
we have friends like that here in new york. you can be our friend if you’d like. we’re nice and true. and we share an interest in this family!!! : )
thanks chris.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:24 pmI just reconnected with a friend from my childhood. I think we were, and can be again, those kind of friends. Great post.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:35 pmI think I need to frame that quote. Lovely, lovely post.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:37 pmI can’t tell you how often I have felt that way, with those insecurities. Boy do I get you! I feel like I am always that high school girl without a lot of friends that is always bugging everyone else to do something, yet never hearing her own phone ring.
“I hope all of you have friends who call you up laughing. Never saying a word, just laughing until you both are crying. Friends who just get you. Friends who will buy you a cherry chapstick because you lost yours. Friends who make you laugh so much you have to walk away before your pee yourself.
Friends who will buy you flowers. Just because.
I hope all of you are as lucky as I am.”
I don’t have that, but I enjoy hearing that you do.
It blesses me to know that you are treated so wonderfully and I am happy for you!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:04 pmI am also truly blessed with the best group of girlfriends from college who hug you when you cry and make you laugh til we all pee. Erika, Kristin and Annette are the most amazing friends ever. We don’t get to share our driveways on a routine basis but the door is always open to one another. Thank you for sharing that story!!!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:16 pmI’m totally stealing that quote. ” Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Love it! Friends are good. Good friends are even better. It’s hard to be a good friend. But when you are you always receive more in return.
Here’s to friends. *cheers*
July 30th, 2009 at 7:39 pmYou are very lucky
July 30th, 2009 at 7:50 pmGreat post…
P.S. Driveway sittin’ is one of my very favorite things.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:54 pmThis really spoke to me.
“Be kind,for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
I will remember this. I will. Thanks. Peace.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:04 pmIn situations like this my husband will remind me that it isn’t always about me either.
I think some insecurities stick with a girl for life. It really is nice to know that I’m not the only one.
You are very blessed to have such a great friend. These type of friends tend to only come around once or twice in a lifetime.
Tammy and Parker
July 30th, 2009 at 8:33 pmhttp://www.prayingforparker.com
@ParkerMama on Twitter
i LOOVED THI POST…I read your blog and enjoy it frequently…but this touched me deep in my heart.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:37 pmSince I am the mother of many boys…is there any way you might share what caused the punching? Not that it excuses anything-I ask only for selfish reasons.
Chris says: In a nutshell, a backyard game of football gone awry.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:52 pmMy sister passed on the link to this post as something that touched her today…she wasn’t sure why. I think it was the realization that it is not all about you - that everyone is battling a hard fight and sometimes you just need to laugh. Thanks for the posting.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:02 pmSo awesome. You are a lucky person.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:49 pmYou know, originally I was so sad you were leaving your life back east…it seemed so ideal. So tranquil. (Well, as tranquil as a mom of 7 kids can be. Maybe tranquil is not the actual word I was looking for, now that I think about it!)
But now it seems you all have really found your niche. I am super happy for you!
I have always been blessed to have so many truly GOOD friends. My whole life. I don’t know how, or why, but I can tell you not a day has gone by that I’ve taken any of them for granted. I wish everyone could be so lucky.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:56 pmI need to be more aware of this and know there might be something else when someone is unkind to me. Great post!
July 30th, 2009 at 10:55 pmYou really are truly blessed, Chris. Great post, and a great reminder that life isn’t always about “us.” Thanks!
July 30th, 2009 at 11:00 pmSo true. I will not go sniffle in my glass of wine.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:22 pmI love reading your posts. They always hit home! You should write a book
July 31st, 2009 at 12:23 amNice vase.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:24 amI am now crying. Missing my friends. Thanks for the beautiful post. I am going to write “Be kind,for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” on a big piece of paper and post it on the fridge as a reminder to myself and my family.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:57 amWhat a great post! My friend forwarded this to me, “LaughingFamily”. What an uplifting story, you sometimes take for granted those great friendships. Thank you for reminding us all we should appreciate one another!
July 31st, 2009 at 8:58 amChris -This post brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the reminder - I too often feel like a 12 year old girl when trying to figure out friendships, then realize, like you said that others are going thru their own struggles.
What a great reminder.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:09 amyou are lucky!
July 31st, 2009 at 9:17 amFabulous…the flowers and the post.
Are the boys on good terms again? I don’t even know why I ask, boys punch each other then go on playing, so I’m sure they are!
July 31st, 2009 at 9:21 amAmen, sister. My motto is “be compassionate” cause you just never know when someone is going through something.
And I am so fortunate to have reconnected with an old friend who is the kind you just described and who has introduced me to some other great women. Thanks for reminding me to be grateful for the. I think I’ll send them all a note right now!
July 31st, 2009 at 9:26 amWow, I totally needed to read this today. Am going through this same thing with a neighbor. Thank you for sharing your experience, your post has helped me tremendously.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:40 amI’m so lucky to have a friend like that too. Mine’s a life-long friend, and when I had an unexpected hospital visit recently that resulted in surgery, she was the one who bought new underwear for me when I ran out while my husband was out of town b/c they just don’t carry Hanes (or any other brand in the gift shop - which I told them when I was released that they totally should!). Friends like this are truly priceless, and everyone deserves to have at least one friend like this in their life.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:47 amThanks for the reminder that I’m not the only one who needs reminding that it’s not all about me. What a wonderful post.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:53 amThanks for the reminder :o) good words indeed…
I wish I was your neighbor!
July 31st, 2009 at 10:01 amFor most of my adult life I had not been that lucky. Recently I have and I am sad that she will move to Germany (military life sometimes sucks) but I am confident that it’s just the beginning of a long friendship. Thank you for this Chris. I think I will send her flowers….just because.
July 31st, 2009 at 10:06 amExcellent reminder. It is almost as if you read my mind…
July 31st, 2009 at 10:13 amI count myself as lucky also. I have great friends and family
Those flowers are to die for
July 31st, 2009 at 10:25 amI will contemplate this post today… and hopefully remember it’s wisdom the next time I feel the need to pull away from someone. Beautiful post.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:20 amCheers to ur friendship…hope it survives and thrives. I just had to tell you - ur vomit post was so graphic, when the phone rang as I finished reading the post, I felt like I had to check the phone for vomit…I swear it felt slimy. Or maybe it really is…
July 31st, 2009 at 11:48 amI love this post. Thanks so much, Chris, for your honesty…I too feel like the 12 year old girl so much of the time and I’m so happy for you that you have the friendship you do with your neighbor. Those kinds of connections seem fewer and further between as I’ve gotten older!
July 31st, 2009 at 11:59 amTwo years ago, my youngest ended up needing emergency abdominal surgery. That week and a half in a far off hospital was a blur of exhaustion, tears, and worry. Needing a break,I walked a local mall. I remember blindly walking around, sick to my stomach,not really seeing anything. I remember thinking to myself, “How can everyone just mill about like nothing’s wrong? Don’t they know my baby could die?” She ended up being just fine, but the experience stuck with me. It’s made me more compassionate and less quick to judge. You just never know what’s going on in another person’s life and heart. Excellent post!
Trish
July 31st, 2009 at 12:52 pmThank you. What a great reminder. Once, at least a decade ago, someone I respected was being the same…when I confronted and immediately asked “what did I do”? he laughed and came back with what an ego I must have to think everything is about me…I learned from that well given statement…
July 31st, 2009 at 1:14 pmThe laughing till you cry without a word being said? Makes me miss my mom so much, that was our thing…she was my best friend.
Thank you again, reminders are needed
I love this post. I have been reading your entries for awhile now and I just love the way you express your feelings. I always say, “In the end, only kindness matters.” Yes, I stole that from a Jewel song, but it rings true. And I love your quote, I will add it to my favs. Thanks.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:19 pmI have felt exactly the same way before, always the one to call, stop by, etc. and then feeling overbearing or thinking maybe the person doesn’t really want to be my friend. For some of us I don’t think the insecurities ever go away. It’s so great that you have such a great network of friends, not everyone has that!
July 31st, 2009 at 1:28 pmThis made my day!! Thank you
July 31st, 2009 at 1:31 pmWow, I thought I was the only one with that insecuritie “being a pest to friends!” I hope you don’t mind but I would like to share your post with friends!
July 31st, 2009 at 3:04 pmWell said Chris. My mother always said - “into everyone’s life rain must fall”. I make everything about me and it can become problematic! Did the children make up?
July 31st, 2009 at 3:54 pmNothing is more important than good friends and family.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:07 pmWhat an amazing friend you have found, and she in you. Love the vase, the flowers, the photos and this post, all beautiful.
As for the fighting boys, fa-ged-a-bowd-it, her son will probably bop yours next week!
July 31st, 2009 at 5:30 pmThank you. I needed to hear this. I probably need to get it tattooed on the inside of my eyeballs.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:36 pm“Turns out not everything is always about me.” Profound!
The last week has not been the best for me. But when I started talking about it to folks, I would always try to end by jokingly saying “Of course, it’s all about ME!”
Everyone needs a wake up call that it is not always “all about me.” Everyone has doubts and insecurities and struggles. Let’s just vow to strive to be sensitive enough to our family, friends and neighbors to recognize when they need us to understand it is “all about them!”
Another profound statement from your post that made me giggle:
“Friends who make you laugh so much you have to walk away before your pee yourself.”
Those are the BEST friends!
August 1st, 2009 at 2:38 amThis entry hit home. It was beautiful! You are both very lucky.
August 1st, 2009 at 11:04 amGirlfriends, REAL, TRUE, girlfriends are like air. Oh so important but you don’t really know how important until there not there.
Good friends, good food and good wine, is there anything better?
Oh well I guess beautifully delicious flowers also
I’m so glad your friend is feeling better!!
August 1st, 2009 at 2:46 pmNo, the insecurity never leaves, I always worry I have said or done the wrong thing, replaying scenes with my friends over and over again in my head. And I’m nearly 60!
August 1st, 2009 at 3:57 pmI try to live by this:
There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; my philosophy is kindness. ( Dalai Lama )
What a lovely post and reminder about friendship. I’ve been guilty of shutting people off when things were really tough and on one of my husband’s last deployments I did just that wit ha dear friend.
She stuck around - what an amazing person to bring you such a nice gift (from the heart)
Wish I had met you in person at Blogher, I’ve been around your blog many times and would have loved to introduce you to my kids (who I brought along :))
August 1st, 2009 at 5:14 pmMaybe next year
Cheers,
Anita
Wow, great post. You are totally right — everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. I have a hard time remembering that right now, thanks for reminding me.
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:30 amWonderful post and gorgeous flowers! My mother often said, “it’s usually not about you but something the other person is going through”. It’s a blessing to have great friends. Sounds like TX has been kind to you and your family!
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:30 pmCame across your blog today and happened to be this entry. Excellent and touching. Life is too short to worry about the small things.
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:33 pmThis is one blog worth visiting. I also love your photos.
love your blog!
August 4th, 2009 at 1:20 pmIt’s gone from bad to worse today and this post is exactly what I needed. I read your blog weekly, if not daily, and though I never post I usually can squeeze a good smile out after reading your posts. I tried telling myself earlier after trying to register the kids for school twice(and still not having the correct paperwork), rear-ending a lady on the exit ramp of I-40, arguing with my husband all day, snapping at my 9 year old and blah blah blah THAT despite my own views and selfishness my worst will always be better than another’s best. I could not make heads or tails of that until I read the post about your flowers. And then…..I smiled!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pmThanks for the reality check. I’m a champion 2nd-guesser, and I do this type of stuff all the time. “What did I say, what did I do…?” Again, Thanks!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:06 pmLove your blog!
August 4th, 2009 at 11:10 pmI rarely comment, but read faithfully. You make me laugh, you make me realize that everyone’s house can be nutty and chaotic.
Today, you made me cry and realize that truer words have never been written. Thank you. You are “the awesome”.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:06 amJust discovered your blog. Like five minutes ago. And WOW! This may sound hokey, but I was lead here just to read that message.
Be kind. For everyone you know is fighting a hard battle.
I’ll remember that for the rest of my life.
Thank you.
–Your newest fan.
August 8th, 2009 at 10:17 am