Revisionist Memories
September 6, 2009
Sometimes I think that our memories are really not based on any sort of factual occurrence. They are things, events, that have been reshaped by other events, by other wishes or desires, by other memories. By other people. Reworked to fit into the containers in which we hold them. They are altogether different than the original reality.
I think of all the times I have said that one day I would be able to look back on some event, whatever “fun” event it was supposed to be, and say that yes, it was fun. How much of life falls into this category of revisionist history? Not that any of it isn’t true, or didn’t happen, just that the highlighted part might not have been the most important.
I wonder what my children will remember from this past year, a year fraught with upheavals and changes. I write here and wonder if they will look back and wonder why I chose to highlight the things that I have. Why I have chosen to completely omit other things. Will they remember it completely different?
And yet, I still feel compelled to write. To have a hand in the reshaping. To craft the memories.
To remember the happy blonde boy with the blue tongue and not the one who kicked and screamed and rolled around on the bleachers while I calmly ignored him. At least on the outside. If I do happen to remember it, I definitely want to remember the calm part.
*****
At the field where the boys practice every night we must drive down a long driveway. It has speedbumps to slow the cars down. But they are not the regular kind of speedbumps, they are huge. Probably three feet wide. When you drive over them fast your car goes airborne for a few seconds.
Every night we pull into the driveway and they begin the begging.
Please, Mom? Pleeeeeease?
C’mon Mom!
Every night I pretend like I am not going to do it.
But instead as I approach the speed bump I speed up and we fly over it. The kids raise their hands in the air like we are on a rollercoaster ride. We all scream as our stomachs fall into the pits of our stomachs.
Sometimes there are people driving in front of us and I can’t speed up.
Why don’t other people do it, Mom?
Sheesh, they are so. not. fun.
They aren’t cool like you, Mom.
I don’t tell the kids that it is because the other people have nice cars. They’ll figure that part out for themselves one day.
*****
We were driving home from football practice the other night. My 10 yr old son, finally weighing enough to sit in the front seat, next to me. On the radio The Black Eyed Peas.
I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
He reaches over and turns the volume up. He sings on the top of his lungs, dancing in his seat, shaking his long blonde hair. It is more like a dog trying to dry itself off than an actual dance with a discernable rythmn. But he has so much joy. So much joy. It is contagious.
His siblings in the seat behind him join in. The van windows reverberate with their song.
We get home. Our new house, the one we are still trying to turn into a home. The home that really marks the line between the before and after, the then and the now, the there and the here. A line crafted of stone and wood.
It begins to rain and they all stand outside, faces upturned toward the rain as if they too have been sufferring from the drought. Their hair and clothing become soaked and cling to their bodies. Rivulets of water run down their faces and arms. I stand outside with them. I inhale deeply, the smell of rain made sweeter by weeks and weeks without it. I retreat to the front porch and watch them.
Then we hear thunder and see lightening and we all go inside. Friends come inside our house too. I make nachos. Kids rollerblade around on tile leaving puddles behind them.
I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
When you are 10 this is a good night.
And when you are 40 it isn’t too bad either.
*****
I recraft the memories for myself too. One day I will look back and say, without a trace of doubt, those were the best years. And I will mean it.
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awesome post…
September 6th, 2009 at 4:05 pmAwesome post…..long time reader, 1st time commenting. I’m 10 yrs older than you..but hubby and I relocated to Missouri from Florida about the same time of your move. We left a house we built, raised our kids in and loved. My kids are both in college in Florida..so not only a new house, new job, empty nesters, no close friends (yet) we will do our best to make this our home. And we will remember Florida as the best years and Missouri as the next step, in this thing called life.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:19 pmChris, The way you say it you make me want to pack a bag and be your sister wife. To bad I don’t roll that way. It is really fun to think about how our kids will craft thier own memories.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:20 pmAccording to most psychological theories, you do craft your own memories, selecting pieces of things that happen and forming them into a cohesive narrative that explains who you are. Hopefully, your narrative of being the calm, fun mom carries over to your children.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:47 pmI just want to say that I admire your joy amid the chaos. That is what your children will remember.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:47 pmThat made me a little teary.
September 6th, 2009 at 4:50 pmTODAY…you made me CRY and THINK…thank you!
September 6th, 2009 at 4:50 pmLove this…
September 6th, 2009 at 5:16 pmOutstanding, Chris. Just beautiful.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:21 pmThere’s a lot of research that says that memory really is changeable and flexible… the psychology course I teach has a component on this topic…
as usual, I love the picture
September 6th, 2009 at 5:33 pmWhat a beautiful, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this intimacy and your beautiful family with us.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:39 pmOne of the things I love about blogging is that you have the opportunity to show the good and the bad and the ugly. And I love it all. One of the reasons I read your blog all the time is that you embrace that philosophy too.
Most of my childhood pictures are posed, standing in my Sunday best. But my record keeping for my kids is not like that. I love that in most of their pictures, their hair is messed up, their shirts are dirty from playing. And so it the house for that matter. But we are showing their true childhood. And I think the memories will be better remembered because of it.
September 6th, 2009 at 5:51 pmOne day I will look back and say, without a trace of doubt, those were the best years. And I will mean it.
word:)
September 6th, 2009 at 5:53 pmWow, I really needed to read this today…..It brought tears to my eyes. It is so easy to loose sight of the joy that motherhood can bring. Thank You!!!!
Holly
September 6th, 2009 at 6:03 pmThis was beautifully written and reminded me why I read you every day. I hope you and your brood are well and feeling the rebirth after a good rain!
September 6th, 2009 at 6:22 pmPoignant, it makes me well up. I am there too.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:30 pmThis is a beautiful post! Thanks for the reminder to look at the “good night” in everything.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:35 pmWe call those kind of speed bumps speed “islands”.
September 6th, 2009 at 6:41 pmCrikey! That made me misty….
September 6th, 2009 at 6:54 pmThis post brought tears to my eyes and gave me chills. So, so true.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:06 pmWhat an eloquent post. One of my favorites.
It’s been obvious (well, yeah, because you write a BLOG on the internet) that there’ve been changes, probably some you haven’t wanted to share, but the memories you’re making for your kids are the ones that will hold them up throughout their life. It’s a good reminder to try to focus on the bigger picture. Thanks
September 6th, 2009 at 7:09 pmAnother long time reader, first time commenter. I just couldn’t read this post and click away having not said how beautiful I thought it was. That sounds stupid but I really did feel everything you wrote, see everything; the rain and the rollerblades, tantrums and speedbumps, like I was sitting right there through all of it. You and I have almost nothing in common, but I’ve been checking back to this blog since last winter and posts like this one remind me why.
Thanks for sharing your cherry picked memories with us.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:32 pmMy kids sing that song LOUD too - every year you hear that song from now on it will remind you of summer 09. They say smell and sound are are strongest links to memory… for me I dream of that new car smell again - but you can’t beat singing loudly in a smelly van of sweaty kids.
September 6th, 2009 at 7:59 pmGreat post (.:
Wonderful post. Thank you.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:13 pmGreat post. Made me take a big sigh. Lately we have had lots of changes in my life, ones that in the end should make our lives slower and easier to enjoy. I try to remind myself to breathe slower, blink slower, and take in each moment because they really do go by so fast. Unplanned and wonderful memories like dancing in the rain are the best kind of memories there are and it’s important that we all take time for the good nights….
September 6th, 2009 at 8:22 pmWe sing that with our boys too. It just makes the day better.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:41 pmI’ll bet that each kid crafts different memories of the same childhood events. This summer, comparing memories with my two sisters, our memories of the same events were colored very differently, kind of according to our temperaments. It’s great that you have your blog and all your photographs as a record of some of what you and they have experienced together. Has the transition to the new town and house been much easier because of the great neighborhood you’ve found.
Love little blondie with the blue tongue.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:52 pmWow. I can’t imagine the day when my son will weigh enough to sit in the front seat and rock out to the Black Eyed Peas with me. Can’t wait. And i think the speedbumps are a great metaphor. You kind of even feel sorry for the suckers with the nice car.
September 6th, 2009 at 8:58 pmPerfectly said. And I totally agree. It was the reason I started my website/online diary. To always remember the good stuff.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:31 pmThis post brought tears to my eyes.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:33 pmBeautiful!
September 6th, 2009 at 9:45 pmNice post; nice memories. I am sure your children will learn to appreciate all of the thoughts that you did think to make note of along with those that are omitted. I sometimes get the urge to right something regarding an event or an episode; I say to myself that I will never forget. However, time tends to blur the memory of the actual event and I may (or may not) have the occasional regret that I did not make the effort to mark the passage of time. As for the speed bumps… I tend to use back roads to go to the mall and there are several stretches of road that are hilly. The kids simply LOVE riding quickly over the hills - feels like a mini coaster. Those are the memories I WANT to retain! Moments of simplicity and happiness
September 6th, 2009 at 9:46 pmCan you be my mom!
What a great post!
September 6th, 2009 at 9:54 pmLove reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your memories.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:57 pmHope all is well too with the parts you are not broadcasting.
Best wishes
Great post Chris, thank’s for sharing.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:00 pmMore than forty years ago my mother used to speed on “that bump.” We all still remember, all ten of us. It had nothing to do with the vehicle we drove, our mother wanted us to have fun. As you do.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:05 pmJust beautiful.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:10 pmThis is true. My kids are older now and find their entertainment elsewhere. I remember when our house was busy with children and friends, and I miss those times. Now it is too quiet.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:14 pmGreat post! I often wonder what my boys will remember when they get older too…hopefully the good stuff! Love that you take on the speed bumps…we have an exit near us that has a dip and usually take it fast…the boys love it and always complain when there’s a “safe” driver in front of us.
September 6th, 2009 at 10:51 pmWhat a wonderful post!
September 6th, 2009 at 11:09 pmbeautiful entry. thank you for sharing it.
September 6th, 2009 at 11:53 pmI come from a family of seven kids and from where I sit you are doing a damn fine job. Your kids will remember it all fondly. Even the funky stuff.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:27 amLovely post! Thank you for sharing!
September 7th, 2009 at 12:48 amReally, just so great.
Peace.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:18 amMemory is such an interesting thing. I find myself looking back on intense times–of sorrow and loneliness and alienation and deep darkness–with something akin to nostalgia, just because it was so intense. I wonder about this. It seems illogical, and it’s true I don’t want to relive those times.
September 7th, 2009 at 6:43 amOne of my favorite memories is of a backpacking trip on Mt Rainier. I remember the clouds of blue butterflies that rose up around me with my every step, gorgeous views of the mountain against a deep blue sky, and the gasp and refreshment of ice-cold glacier water to swim in. But if I think about it, I remember the terrible mosquitoes, and how miserable I was just before that swim.
Anyway, I don’t mean to hijack your comments–just that your post sparked some thoughts in me. Loved this post.
In the South we call those “Speed Humps”.
September 7th, 2009 at 8:17 amWOW! I am crying and laughing, a beautiful post.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:09 amThe past doesn’t change, but history is ever-changing.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:17 amLong time reader, rare commenter - but had to comment because I have tears in my eyes. I can hear all of you singing in the car and soaking up the rain and see the kids careen around the corners in rollerblades…and I bet it was a good, good night.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:35 amYou always seem to use the right words. Thank you!
September 7th, 2009 at 10:07 ambeautiful, beautiful post… thank you (and we too love that song…)
September 7th, 2009 at 10:12 amBeautiful
September 7th, 2009 at 10:59 amHoly Cow, Chris. That was some amazing writing, and says everything that anyone needs to know about your family. It always catches me by surprise when good writers write my own thoughts out so eloquently.
And oh my GOSH, do my kids and I love that song! We crank it in the car as well, every single time.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:40 amWhat a sweet post.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:28 pmVery good. At my age and a member of a seven sibling family, I can tell you they will all remember it a little bit differently, but happy it all happened. And they will have their mother’s wonderful pictures and posts to highlight their memories. You are giving them a precious gift with this blog.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:58 pmBeautiful entry. Thank you.
September 7th, 2009 at 1:27 pmThank you for writing this post - I needed this more than I can say. Our life is in such upheaval and I fear what my little girl will remember from this time. It is reassuring to read your thoughts. Thank you so much.
September 7th, 2009 at 3:05 pmWhat a tender post…loved it!
September 7th, 2009 at 3:11 pmBrilliant Post. You have a lovely ways with words.
September 7th, 2009 at 4:43 pmYou really are a fantastic writer.
September 7th, 2009 at 9:17 pmYour posts always make me want to log off and have 4 more kids. Then I spend 10 minutes in the car with the 2 I already have and it doesn’t sound so appealling anymore.
Thanks for the gentle reminder to be present to THESE days.
September 7th, 2009 at 10:31 pm(wiping my teary eyes and smiling)
September 8th, 2009 at 12:14 amAnother laugher/cryer here. What a wonderful thing to realize that every moment we have with these little guys can be as fun as we make it and remember it. I been having thoughts of these moments this week as I send my daughter to Kindergarten. I don’t want to let go of one of them. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder of how are lives are full. I will be cranking the BEPs in your honor tomorrow.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:27 amThanks for sharing and making us all think of the bigger picture Tears flowing again.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:28 amPlease send this in to a magazine or something, it must be shared!!!
I cried a little reading it thinking how this is so true for my family as well. I photograph my kids daily and blog about them too (hey a year behind isn’t THAT bad right?). When I blog it’s almost never from the day it happened and the memories you have from that day are revised I’m sure.
My daughter who is 14 months drove me insanely bonkers yesterday I was about to put her in a basket and dump her somewhere. After she was in bed I watched the videos I had made that day and looked at the photos and all was right again. I am so guilty of often seeing the bad in a situation and not the good. I get upset when it’s messy when the fact is the kids won’t remember the mess, just how mommy insisted on cleaning instead of playing.
Thanks for the reminder..
September 8th, 2009 at 7:17 amBeautiful, absolutely beautiful.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:33 amThis is a poem.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:10 amEverything about this entry was breathtaking.
Also, I may have teared up, but I won’t say for sure.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:31 pmpriceless
September 8th, 2009 at 2:30 pmthank you for sharing
So cool.
September 8th, 2009 at 2:36 pmYou’re a good writer.
September 8th, 2009 at 5:06 pmThat’s what keeps me coming back.
I don’t think I’ve ever posted before, but that just totally moved me to tears. Beautiful. I love reading about your wonderful family and looking at your amazing photography. Thank you for sharing with us all.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:08 pmThank you. I needed this today.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:49 pmDammit I am now all weepy. I was going to ask you to be my mom, but someone else suggested sister wife. I will go either way, as long as I can move in with you!
September 8th, 2009 at 11:29 pmYou just made me cry. Thank you.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:16 amYou are a very talented writer!
September 9th, 2009 at 9:01 amwow! good to know I’m not the only mom that doesn’t adhere to the speed bump rules!!
Awesome post will definitly be back to read more!
September 9th, 2009 at 9:17 amBeautiful post. My kids also love that song and we always crank it up too. My 4 year old tells me to put on “the black guy and the peas”. It makes me laugh and I refuse to correct him.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:49 amOne of the best songs ever. My son’s high school football team has voted that song to be their pregame fight song.
(Love Shack is another one of those great sing along songs too.)
I love reading your posts and viewing your photos.
September 9th, 2009 at 11:48 amThis touched me in ways that I can’t begin to explain.
September 9th, 2009 at 1:30 pmThank you for this. I think this is my all-time favorite post of yours, and I have been reading for a couple of years now. I really needed the fresh dose of perspective today, to remember that although 4 kids under 6 is a headache some days, these really are the best years of my life.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pmThey truly are the best years…..just the fact that you are aware of it means you are making the best of it.
September 9th, 2009 at 7:05 pmLove the blue tongues. Priceless.
September 13th, 2009 at 11:56 amYour realism, sense of humor and photos makes me want to be a better mom… and have more kids. Thank you.
September 13th, 2009 at 3:47 pm