Underbelly of the Perfect Neighborhood
September 14, 2009
I am not sure how much to write about events that happened this past weekend, other than hello? crazy family alert.
I had been warned. But I don’t know, I guess I like to give people, especially children, the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps months ago when one of the kids in the family came into my house when we weren’t home and took ice cream out of my freezer I should have reconsidered. Or when it happened a second time. But I thought, oh kids do stupid things sometimes without thinking of the long term consequences.
Or when a different one of the kids in the family was mean and bullying to my daughter.
Or when I heard from several parents that I like and respect that they had incidents with the children in this family and they no longer allowed their children to associate with them.
Or when a completely random mother I meet at a playplace tells me a story, not knowing in which neighborhood I live, that involves her daughter and guess who? Yup, a kid from this family.
I guess I was waiting for a clearer sign? A burning bush maybe? A 2×4 across the back of my head? I am not sure.
We have had many things go missing since we moved here. My kids are somewhat careless so it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that items were stolen by random strangers driving through the neighborhood. You know those roving gangs that like to steal old scooters, footballs, basketballs, and the like. I hope you can hear the sarcasm that is dripping from my words right now.
Anyway, the most expensive item that has gone missing was my 8 yr old son’s Ripstick. It was also the item that was the most cared about. I point blank asked one of the kids from the family in question if he had it or if he had seen it or if he had maybe put it in his garage for safe keeping. You know trying to give him an out. And he said no.
Then a week or so later my oldest son saw him riding the Ripstick. The kid in question gave a long convoluted story to my oldest son about where it had come from, even though it had one of my kid’s names written on a sticker on the Ripstick. Before I could confront the kid he was gone. Next time my kids saw him with the Ripstick the sticker was ripped off. I told my kids to tell him that we knew it was ours and to give it back. In retrospect I wish I had more aggressively pursued it at that point.
I honestly thought that eventually the kid would give it back or that his parents would notice. But no on both counts.
Making a long, long, LONG story short. Just ask Heather B, she has called my three times over the past couple days trying to get the full story and one or the other of us has to get off of the phone before the end of the story to do things like eat or sleep. THAT is how long this story is.
We find out that he traded the Ripstick to a friend of our family for a skateboard. Where the kid told the father yet another lie about where the Ripstick came from and that his parents are fine with him trading such an expensive item for a really cheap board. That family sold the Ripstick on craigslist.
Once I found all of this out I went to their house. Every single day hoping to talk to the mother. She was never home.
Friday two of the kids from this family rode scooters to the bus stop. One of which belongs to us and we have not seen for months. And when the kid gave it back to us I asked where he had found it since it has been gone for a long time. He said it was at his house. And I think I said, huh. Or something similar. The second scooter belonged to a friend of ours who lived down the road. When I found out that the other kid was planning on ditching the scooter right there at the street corner when the bus came I told her that was not acceptable and that she should bring it back home until after school.
Friday after school the mother comes banging on my door. She is confrontational and wants to know why I called her children theives and said they stole the scooters. I am shocked at such an outrageous lie and tell her so. My children who were all at the bus stop are equally shocked.
She asks, “Are you calling my children liars?”
To which I diplomatically reply, “I am not calling your children anything. I am telling you that I said nothing at all like that. But while you are here there is something I want to discuss with you…”
And I told her the whole long tale of the Ripstick up to the part where it was traded.
She basically said that my children and I were liars that her son had no such toy. If he had, she would have known. Etc, etc, etc. And while I understand that no one wants to believe that their child would do anything wrong, becoming defensive doesn’t solve anything.
Then I tell her the part where another family and another adult become involved in the saga. She had no choice but to believe what I was saying. But she kept on coming back to my kids, turning it around to things that my kids have supposedly done, like leave their bikes behind her car (from now on she is going to toss them right into the middle of the street because it isn’t her responsibility to take care of them, especially if her children were going to be called thieves for returning items!), or cussing (she does not allow her children to cuss! I don’t either. But they do sometimes, nothing particularly bad, as do her children.)
I kept my cool. I said I would talk to my kids about those two things. Then she told the most outrageous lie about one of my kids that supposedly happened months ago. When I said that there was no way that had happened she came back with, “Oh your kids are perfect and my kids are liars and thieves. Get your head out of the sand.”
And I said, “I never said that, but my head is out of the sand now. It seems the solution is to keep your children away from my children. They are no longer allowed to play together, to talk to each other, nothing. I can not have my children be exposed to this anymore.”
She called me a few choice things and stormed off.
I was saddened by the whole thing.
But by far the worst part was the reaction of my children. My young sons who wanted to know how someone could pretend to be their friend and steal from them and lie to them. My one son wanted to know why he hadn’t just asked to borrow the Ripstick because they would have let him. They so much wanted to believe his lies. And even now I see them struggling with doubt, in spite of all the evidence.
It is a tough lesson to learn, that people are not always kind. That there are people who will take advantage of you. That people will pretend to be your friend. That people will lie for no reason other than to get someone else in trouble.
On the flip side I hope they also realize, after the dust from the fall out settles, that there are far more good people out there than bad. That having good character is important. And that at the end of the day if you can look yourself in the mirror and know you treated everyone exactly as you want to be treated, well you have learned the best life lesson of all.
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I honestly believe that some parents are unwilling to see any wrong that their kids do. When I was a kid, my parents always took the adult’s side and I was disciplined. You just don’t see that anymore.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:23 pmI’m so sorry this happened to your children.
And at least you gave the family a chance. I had one of our neighbors come over and say his kids weren’t allowed around my son because my son was taking his clothes off in front of them. If he would have just come down and told me how my son was acting, I would have talked to my son and there would have been consequences, like a certain DS being taken away for that behavior. Instead the guy just said he didn’t want my son around his kids anymore. I thought he was cruel. My son just wanted to be friends and he thought being silly would get him some attention.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:25 pmWow–well said and well done. I think I would have been so flustered I wouldn’t have held my ground like that all. Way to stick up for your kids and take the high road.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:37 pmIt’s really amazing what kind of people there are out there and just how they don’t see it as a problem to raise their children in the same manner. You were much more calmer that I would have been in that situation. My accolades to you.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:40 pmWow. It’s like you live near the Herdmann’s from “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” or something. Yikes!
September 14th, 2009 at 12:44 pmI’m sorry that your kids were betrayed by their friends, such a difficult way to learn these important life lessons. It’s disheartening to hear that the other kids will never change their behavior since their mom doesn’t seem to think that what her kids are doing is wrong in any way. You gave them so many chances, despite what you heard from your friends and other neighbors - I hope some day that her kids will have some sort of adult figure in their life straighten them out. Your kids are so fortunate to have a mom like you to stand up for them and teach them these things.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:51 pmWow! That Mom was oblivious at to what her kids were up to. I can’t believe that she started attacking you. It’s a horrible lesson for your kids to learn but at least you all were there together to confront it. They can all easily understand why they can’t play with the kids from that family anymore. You seriously kept your cool!
September 14th, 2009 at 12:51 pmBravo, very well handled. I’m sorry that you and the kids were exposed that that, it’s a tough pill to swallow to learn that people you thought were your friends were being dishonest on so many levels. Very sad. And I must add, that mother is *ridiculous*. Hugs!
September 14th, 2009 at 12:57 pmGah. Every neighbourhood has one. How ironic that you should be accused of having your head in the sand by the biggest ostrich on the street. Or perhaps she condones their behaviour. It must take the pressure off the family budget if the children feel free to avail themselves of other families’ hard-earned possessions.
I can remember having to learn this lesson as a child and, while it was painful at the time, it was a valuable one that has kept me and my belongings safer. I think the sheer number of good people will keep your kids optimistic.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:59 pmChris- I am so sorry that your children are having to learn this very hard lesson. On the bright side, at least they are learning it as children, in your home, where you can help them. I, unfortunately had to learn it on my own as an adult. It was very sad to me when my oldest daughter starting learning this lesson and she still has trouble understanding how people can behave in such a manner. And it still hurts her when people behave that way towards her, but she has learned some very important lessons. Discernment and how to react. As a result,her character has grown tremendously. We’ll pray for you & your children & your crazy neighbors.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:00 pmUgh - oh the sagas of the neighborhoods (and schools…) - of life, really. I felt my stomach curdle for you, I don’t mind a confrontation (though later might feel I need to throw up)but when someone blatantly lies, falsely accuses and just allows scales to form on their eyes…it is HARD. I could write long on this…but for now, offer sympathetic hugs for all of your family. You ARE showing your kids, daily, the better side of people, just by being the parents that you are. Loving, caring, compassionate and committed and unwilling to let such b.s. go unchallenged.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:03 pmMan, I hate when stuff like this happens…..it’s such a hard thing to swallow.
I will never forget in 7th grade when a really mean girl stole a pair of my jeans. I was too afraid to tell anyone for fear she’d beat the snot out of me. It was such a horrible lesson to learn.
Good for you for keeping your cool…..
September 14th, 2009 at 1:05 pmJust curious, did you have to whisper your end of the conversation?
When I worked we labeled certain items that often walked “Stolen from XYZ Corp.” You can buy a (sort of) inexpensive engraver made by the company that makes the Dremel rotary tool.
Chris says: Nah, I d idn’t have to whisper. I have the heavy smoker voice going on now
September 14th, 2009 at 1:16 pmGosh, what a mess. I agree that those kids and yours need to be totally separated, at least for the foreseeable future. How can you deal with people like that? You can’t.
The real mess here is that mom and how she’s bringing up her kids. Yikes. I hope they don’t live next door.
I’m wondering if the mom knows about your blog. Maybe she’ll read about herself here and recognize that she needs to see things as they really are and not just be defensive and angry. Her kids really are stealing things and losing friendships because of it. Why are they stealing like that I wonder? Sounds like she could use some help with counseling or some kind of aid in turning this all around.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:18 pmI am so sorry your kids and family are dealing with this. We have a similar issue at our house. We have only about 4 school age kids that live in our neighborhood (my son, the neighbor with 2, and another neighbor with 1 and a bunch of older kids). Anyway, I feel so bad for my son because he is not allowed to play with any of them. Their attitudes and bad behavior have caused me to ban them from our yard and I will not let my son go to their homes because I don’t trust the parents at all. He is always asking if they could come over and I have to say no every time. It is sad.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:29 pmThose are big, big lessons…for your kids and for all of us.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:30 pmI think that is the perfect ending to this post (if not the drama). It’s a tough lesson, but a good one for them to learn. I know (unfortunately) several adults who could use a refresher, as well.
Hopefully things will be a little less crazy now that ties have been broken.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:33 pmIn middle school I had a “friend” named Angela who was in several of my classes and we shared a locker. Things of mine started disappearing, and at first they were small and I thought I had just misplaced them. Angela said she never saw any of them when I asked her. But one day Angela shows me a “new” keychain which looked exactly like the one I had just lost. When my yearbook money went missing, I went to the office and my teachers and got my own locker and got moved away from her in one class so we no longer shared a workspace. To this day I remember the feelings of hurt and betrayal.
I’m so sorry that you have crazy neighbors. Does Crazy Mom really think that every other family in the area is a bunch of liars?
September 14th, 2009 at 1:33 pmWow. Ouch. Those life lessons- they are never, ever easy, especially for children. And for parents, watching their children feel the impact of a non- perfect world.
But. Kudos to you for keeping your cool, and for having thee insight and sharing with us, especially of your last 2 sentences:
“That having good character is important. And that at the end of the day if you can look yourself in the mirror and know you treated everyone exactly as you want to be treated, well you have learned the best life lesson of all.”
September 14th, 2009 at 1:36 pmJust a month ago, the house next door to us went up for sale. The girl that lived there, well, her Mom was in a bit of denial also. Her daughter wasn’t as bad as these kids you are describing thank goodness. One day, the girls got into a fight, nothing new though. Supposedly my daughter wrote something on a note and showed it to another friend. I had the note in my possession as I was talking to this other mother and she would NOT believe me that the note did not say what her daughter said it said. I was reading the note, I knew what it said. That was pretty much the last time we talked for any length of time.
I know my kids aren’t perfect, and I will stand up for them if I know they are right, but there have been times when I have had to face facts and realize that my not so perfect daughter was in the wrong. It happens, and I sure wish more parents would realize it.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:40 pmI feel you. Dealing with something similar here–my kids are tired of it and are turning a bit cynical. I’m trying hard to help them focus on the good but we are all a bit weary of it all.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:41 pmI am so very, very, VERY non-confrontational that I am proud of you for handling it the way you did. I would have stuttered and stammered and not solved anything, but still been angry at the end.
The thing I try to keep in mind, when hearing stories like this, is the common denominator. The fact that so many other famiies have already had problems with this family? What is the common demoninator ??? THAT family. When one kid (or person, or family) continually has problems, with EVERYONE — what is the common demoninator??
Clearly, you have your answer. I’m just sorry your kids were exposed to such a sad lesson.
September 14th, 2009 at 1:46 pmAn apt title for an aggravating, irritating, ultimately saddening story.
You are a good person not to have lost your cool - and you are also a good person because in the morass of crap over the last few months you tried to allow the family the benefit of the doubt.
Kids lie, so do parents sometimes. But somewhere along the line all kids need to see the truth about other families. And somewhere along the line adults have to learn to take responsibility for their actions … if they don’t how can you expect their kids to learn that lession?
Accountability is the biggest thing that is missing from most kids lives.
Don’t worry - your kids will get it! After all, they have you to help them with the concept!
September 14th, 2009 at 1:50 pmWhen I was six, a neighbor boy stole my oversized tricycle (the only one that size on the army post that we had brought from the States to Germany with us) and lied when confronted. He was about eight or so and much too large for the trike. I wanted to steal it back but my father convinced me that we couldn’t call him a liar or lower ourselves to his level by stealing back. That Christmas I got a brand new two wheeler and was thrilled to death because as one of six kids on a lieutenant’s salary hand me downs were the norm. It was a sad time for me, not only losing my trike, but also some of my innocence. I’m sorry your children have had to experience this and I believe after months of trying to see the best in these people, you are doing the right thing in limiting your children’s exposure to that family. My heart goes out to your young children.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:01 pmWow…definitely an aspect of parenting that I am dreading.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:04 pmThose poor kids. It seems like they are *trying* to get some boundaries- to get someone to tell them what is right, etc. Next time they take something- call the police. maybe that’ll wake the parents up? It’s obvious the kids seem to be allowed to do whatever they want, b/c the parents are oblivious.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:05 pmchris, i’m so so sorry this happened.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:13 pmwe spent the past two weeks dealing with a bully on my daughter’s school bus. it was so stressful and so painful.
most painful of all was having to teach my SIX YEAR OLD the hard lesson that people are not always nice. that people will not like you for no reason. that people will hurt you for fun.
but the sliver lining was seeing that my daughter has strong character. that she was not mean back.
and i’m so glad that your kids showed you the same!
I don’t even know what a ripstick is and I’m pissed off.
I can’t stand when parents can’t be objective and see that maybe, just this once, their angel of kid wasn’t so great.
Good luck to you and your kids with this situation. It’s probably not finished yet…
September 14th, 2009 at 2:14 pmOh I hate stuff like this. Ick. Sorry you had to deal with it.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:16 pmOuch. The hardest part of this story for me is the end…the part where you have to help your kids make sense of why someone would deliberately lie or steal from them, when they would gladly share with them and/or be their friend. How do you teach your kids that the world is imperfect? I am struggling with the very EARLY stages of this with my 4 year-old and friends who hit/push/bully. He is completely shocked by it. Not because he is perfect, and not because he has never hit anyone, but because he can’t understand why someone would be so mean-spirited. I’ll be checking back to see if you have any follow up on how your kids are processing this situation. Good luck!
September 14th, 2009 at 2:21 pmI’ve always heard “Good fences make good neighbors” but I guess it should be “Good padlocks make good neighbors”.
Sorry about your kids learning that life lesson the hard way.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pmWelcome to Texas
September 14th, 2009 at 2:22 pmWhat do they say about the apple not falling far from the tree?
I’m sorry you had to endure that. I’ve been so fortunate so far–my neighbors have been wonderful.
I hope things get better. And, if they don’t, I hope the family moves far, far away.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:26 pmSo sorry your family is going through all of this. It’s always hard.
When my daughter, who is now a senior, was in middle school she had trouble with one girl who just happened to live up the street. This girl would push her and trip her and pretend to be her on the computer and say awful things to other people. The icing on the cake came when she grabbed the hand of a boy sitting next to my daughter and put it in my daughter’s crotch. (He pulled away real fast!) I went up to her house a couple times and there was never a parent home. I finally got a message to the father and he came down to talk. But like with you, he denied she ever did any of it and wanted proof. It as a big waste of time. But! Now 6 years later, our daughter is captain of the swim team and his is pregnant. Karma can be a beyotch!
September 14th, 2009 at 2:43 pmHoly Crapola.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:44 pmWow. The hells of suburbia, right? It sounds like you handled yourself beautifully — lots of good lessons learned for your children and a little loss of innocence. I hope this week is a better one and that your “consumption” is improving.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:49 pm“That having good character is important. And that at the end of the day if you can look yourself in the mirror and know you treated everyone exactly as you want to be treated, well you have learned the best life lesson of all.
”
Amen to that. If I teach my kids anything, I hope it is along these very lines.
It’s a very hard lesson for kids to be confronted by others unkind, and deceitful.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:53 pmAS for the Mother of the not so good children, talk about having her head up her a**.
That is sad. You did the right thing and you handled it very well and what a great example for your kids to see.
I read an interesting statistic the other day. It said that up to 4% of our population can actually be labeled as sociopaths. This doesn’t mean they are serial killers or anything, it just means they have no conscience. It sounds as if you may have encountered this with that family.
I think it is hard to believe someone would act the way they did because the majority of us follow moral codes and different rules - rules we think govern all society. Unfortunately they don’t and so it’s hard to fathom a person who does not.
I still find it interesting that the family who got the Ripstick in the end actually sold it on Craig’s List. I think I would have questioned it a little more than that.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:02 pmPerhaps another lesson your children have learned from this is that you “have their back” - that you stood up for them even when presented with a scenario from months ago that you knew nothing of, they learned that you trust in them and belive in them.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:02 pmI’m sorry your kids had to go through this(and you too).
September 14th, 2009 at 3:07 pmIt’s hard to know when to intervene, and when to let the kids handle it. If our stuff was stolen especially an expensive item, I would freak the hell out! We have a few kids in our neighborhood that run wild, and their parents are never home to discipline them. I end up watching all of the kids while their parents get a free babysitter. Not fun!
It is a sad sad lesson. But good for you for giving them a chance even in the face of other people’s experience. Someday maybe one of the kids will turn their life around and be worthy of the trust. Not so likely, given the parental example, but I have hope. I also think that you should tell those kids WHY they’re not allowed to play with your kids. Maybe it will sink in. It’s so sad when innocence and trust is broken. But sadly, a real 21st century life lesson.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:10 pmLife lessons are never easy. It sounds like you handled this awful situation with good grace.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:14 pmwow. you handled that with such grace. i’m not sure i could’ve done that. crazy family indeed. may you never have to cross paths with them again!
September 14th, 2009 at 3:30 pmWhat a horrible bunch of children. We all know are kids aren’t perfect, but to keep defending them even after all that evidence is just plain stupid.
That’s exactly what is wrong with alot of kids today. They do stupid stuff like that and in no way get punished or have any reprecusions for their actions. So they keep doing it over and over again and the crimes keep getting bigger and bigger. It’s just sad.
I learned my own personal lesson last week about being too trusting - but this was of complete strangers (or so I hope!!). My wallet was stolen out of my purse which was underneath my desk here at work. I was beyond shocked and in denial until it was recovered in the men’s restroom sans the $7 cash I had.
I learned that I’ve been way to lax with my judgment of others and the goodness in all men. It’s sad but true!!!
September 14th, 2009 at 3:48 pmWhew! And I thought it was just my little Iowa cul-de-sac that had to deal with the same shit. We have 2 little girls on our block who are honest to goodness the meanest hearted little girls I’ve ever met. And after getting to know their parents through feud after fued with those girls I now know why. A part of me feels bad for the girls…but when my daughter has to be on the crap end of the bullying I don’t have a lot of patience for it either.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:55 pmJaysus, what drama. I think you handled things well, fair play to you, because I know I would have flipped ages ago. Your poor kids having to realize this shit goes on in the world.
September 14th, 2009 at 4:15 pmoh my… so difficult for kids to understand how people hurt other people! (pfft hard for adults to understand that too!! specifically me!)
My heart breaks for that family. They obviously need a lot of (professional) help. An entire family that acts like that has to have other (negative) things going on…
September 14th, 2009 at 4:21 pmWow. That must have been an incredibly awkward situation. It sounds like you said and did all the right things. Sorry all that happened to you (and your children).
September 14th, 2009 at 4:30 pmMan, what a story. I hope you and your kids can have some peace now.
September 14th, 2009 at 4:50 pmI think you also taught them a very good lesson about calmly confronting someone who has wronged you, instead of making excuses for them or allowing yourself to continue to be hurt because that’s easier than saying something.
That there is a very good lesson in how to deal with conflict, and how to demand that people treat you right.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:03 pmThis just breaks my heart.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:04 pmAh, one of THOSE families. We have one that we deal with. They are more often then not calling about something that my kids said or did and blah blah blah. We have never called about their childrens behavior. Not once, even though there have many incidents.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:07 pmUnbelievable. Sorry you and your kids had to deal with all of that.
I wonder if crazy mom has a blog too, I’d like to read her skewed version of this story. Although if she did, I doubt hers would be the kind of blog I enjoy reading.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:19 pmI’m sure it’s bad that hearing about other people’s psycho neighbors is a comfort to me, but….
We have had the biggest circus of psycho neighbor war on our street the past week. Cops called, code enforcement called, etc. Ridiculous. People are crazy - sorry some of those crazies are on your street, too.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:38 pmI am one of the parents that always questions my kids. It is not that I don’t trust them I just know kids will be kids and they are not perfect. We have a couple of boys in our neighborhood that my two sons have told me are always calling them names and saying bad things about them on the bus. I always ask my kids what they said to them first. They always assure me they did nothing. One day at a football game I actually overheard the neighbor kid yell out to my oldest son to tell my younger son that he sucks. My son just looked at him and walked away. I was happy the way my son handled it and I talked to the mother about what was going on. She didn’t disbelieve what her son said, but she made sure to tell me about my kids faults as well. Things haven’t really gotten better. My kids just try and not hang out with these boys.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:10 pmWow! Unbelievable!
September 14th, 2009 at 6:12 pmMy parents had a saying - I could choose my friends, but they would tell me who I could keep as friends.
You made the right move.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:34 pmThe saddest part of this story is the fact these kids have a Crazy Mom. They will be in for one of two things when they grow up, the ugly knowledge their mother was a complete enabler and lousy parent, or, an indepth knowledge of the criminal justice system from the inside of a cell.
Let me know if you want that Dremel tool (my bf works for the company that owns them). It might come in handy especially now that the neighbor mom has it out for you.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:37 pmI give you credit for giving them the benefit of the doubt until you had the evidence. It sucks when kids have to learn these lessons and not understand. It will help them in the long run. You did the right thing in telling her to keep her kids away.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:48 pmThe important thing is that your children were watching your behavior more closely than anyone else’s throughout this drama, and they learned from you to be kind until you can’t.
September 14th, 2009 at 7:01 pmWorthwhile lesson.
In the last few months, I’ve learned some lessons on trying to take the high road from Angry Tree Neighbor and Toxic Carpool Mommy (both in our small neighborhood). I’ve taken the high road and not told “my side” to scores of people, but can just feel the snide looks when I see them out and about. Someone is racking up bad karma and it’s not me.
September 14th, 2009 at 7:31 pmThat’s one of the worst lessons to learn! And it comes up time after time…
September 14th, 2009 at 7:33 pmyou handled this situation way better than i would have as i would have probably landed in jail after i punched the lady out but then again, i have a few issues with aggression lately.
September 14th, 2009 at 8:37 pmWhen I was about 10, my father brought a Cross pen and pencil set home from a business trip for me. I was so excited about them. I took them to school where they were stolen from my desk during gym. The class that used our room was my bf’s class and she was the one assigned to my seat. A couple of weeks later I saw the them at her house, but chose to believe her when she said they were hers. I was very much older (probably an adult) before I really put two and two together because I really didn’t want to believe she would take something that she knew meant so much to me. That is a really hard lesson.
September 14th, 2009 at 8:44 pmYikes.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:24 pmNicely done. I am not sure how I would have handled such a situation. I am very non-confrontational, there are times when I feel as though I may go ballistic when someone hurts my kids’ feelings. I really think that the mother did and does know what is going on and perhaps just does not care. Unfortunately, there are many parents who simply do not see anything wrong with this type of behavior as long as you do not get caught. Kids do not pick up this type of behavior on their own without being exposed to it or actually living that sort of lifestyle. You may take something once, but once a PARENT learns of it, you will think twice before doing it again! It’s a lesson that all kids must learn - everyone is NOT your friend and you must pick and choose your friends wisely. The good thing is that you’ve learned this now, BEFORE your children became tangled in a situation not of there own doing.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:28 pmWhat a pain! As I tell my children daily (I say it mostly to remind myself)…The hardest thing in life is to be kind to people who deserve it the least and need it the most. That family sounds scary but they obviously have deep emotional problems. I wonder if there is a way you could be nice to them without getting involved with their drama again. We had neighbors like that once and I never handled it correctly so I have no idea how. I was happy when we moved but sad that I missed an opportunity.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:39 pmSorry for your trouble, I have 5 kids, and have been down that road a bit here and there, but it’s so disheartening. You did the right thing Chris. Bravo.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:42 pmThere is nothing worse than a neighborhood feud. Sadly, I speak from experience. Ours is finally, sort of over, ELEVEN years later.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:48 pmYup, sounds like the mother is probably where the issues stem from. If she will make up an outrageous lie to your face then its no wonder her kids are like that. Maybe they’re compulsive liars (I had a friend who had this problem and they don’t even know they’re doing it half the time) slash kleptomaniacs. There are odd people in the world. I remember as a child our next-door-neighbour was craaaazy. I used to play with her kids and go to her house, but some of the stuff she used to accuse people (including my mother) of stealing from her was insane. Like her bed, and her underwear off the clothesline, and her keys (which were on her kitchen bench the entire time).
September 14th, 2009 at 9:52 pmIts nice that your kids aren’t jaded and still want to be able to trust after being screwed over.
I remember, back in my naive days when we first moved from CT to Georgia, that I was SOOOO excited to move into a subdivision neighborhood. We were going to have lots and lots of friends and our kids would all be bestest friends skipping down the sidewalks holding hands.
Now, after 8 years I wish I could go back to my CT house where the deer were my neighbors. At least the deer didn’t back stab or gossip! Sure there was the pesky Lyme Disease thing but at least they have antibiotics for that.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:09 pmAnd I said, “I never said that, but my head is out of the sand now. It seems the solution is to keep your children away from my children. They are no longer allowed to play together, to talk to each other, nothing. I can not have my children be exposed to this anymore.”
I don’t know how you managed to handle this so well. I think I would have been crying by this point. Good job!!
September 14th, 2009 at 10:11 pmDon’t you wish you still lived in a small town!!!?
September 14th, 2009 at 10:16 pmYou would not believe how much we run into this type of behavior as teachers. Unfortunately it’s not as concrete as having a physical item. Most parents don’t want to believe that their kids do anything wrong. But if a teacher calls you up about your kid, at least think twice about it and be diplomatic. Even when your kid says they hate that teacher, and they’re always picking on them etc etc. Not that I have made more than a couple of calls to student’s parents, but when I have, the parents act as if it is the teacher’s problem. Even when they get lotssss of calls from teachers, over many years. It’s the CLUE phone, and it’s ringing for YOU!
September 14th, 2009 at 10:23 pmNot to sound hard-hearted, but why are you leaving your house unlocked and empty for ice cream raids? Once, is an accident, twice sent these kids the message that you are easy pickins’.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:24 pmSo sorry your family lived through such an icky situation. Kudos to your kiddos for wanting to think well of others. You’ve taught them well, obviously.
P.S. Selling a ripstick on Craigslist that a child traded for a much less expensive item?!? Did that surprise/puzzle you at all?
September 14th, 2009 at 10:28 pmObviously this woman in bonkers! It is very upsetting when you have to be confrontational to someone that is unreasonable and blind to the things that are going on with her children…You did the right thing by just banning them from playing together…it is a shame, but I’m sure it is for the best…your children do not need to be subjected to crazy peeps like that!
September 14th, 2009 at 10:29 pmI think something that you touched on in your post may be the crux of the issue. You said you tried to meet her several times before, but she was never home. Perhaps this is the norm and the kids are behaving this poorly because they are starved for attention.
If the dad is equally pre-occupied, its no small wonder the kids do what they please. Bad attention is better than no attention.
Sorry you have to deal with such nonsense, but I think you’ve already embraced the silver-lining.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:44 pmI’m so sorry that happened, what a yucky lesson for your kids to have to learn
September 14th, 2009 at 10:50 pmI’m impressed that you maintained your cool. If that situation had occurred with me - my children - and that absolutely deranged mother - I’d be writing this post from BEHIND BARS.
And yes, I am fully aware there is a death penalty in Texas and I look like crap in orange.
September 14th, 2009 at 11:30 pmWow, what a sad lesson to learn. I think that you handled that to the best of your abilities.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:16 amThat is a hard lesson to learn! I still struggle with it. There is always a big part of me that wants to believe.
Your neighborhood does sound wonderful, despite the bad apples. I guess you have to take the good with the bad and at least your kids can look at their neighbors and see the perfect example of how the majority of people are honest and trustworthy.
I’m sorry it happened though.
And the mother? Whoa! Maybe it’s just me but I don’t think I would have come up to you in front of the kids like that. Some things are better resolved far away from children’s ears. You handled it so well though. How did you keep your cool?!
September 15th, 2009 at 2:41 amThe whole thing is sad from top to bottom. Especially b/c obviously those poor kids learned this terrible behavior directly from their parents, who are failing them tremendously. Yes children have to take responsibility and behave correctly, but they certainly deserve to have adults who will support them and help them learn to do the right thing. Poor delinquent babies. And they’re going to end up with no friends, just b/c their parents are lazy.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:43 amUGH. So sorry you and your kids had to deal with all this. Incidents like this make me want to live all alone, out in the country, and not have to deal with people ever.
September 15th, 2009 at 6:09 amI hate the not my child response.
Yes sometimes it is your child.
The way you handled it was great.
thank you for sharing
Hope you are feeling better.
September 15th, 2009 at 7:56 amI can’t believe the other family (that sold the Riptide on craislist) didn’t check in with that rotten mother, to verify that it was ok to ‘trade’. Maybe then she would have questioned her son on where he got the Riptide. Then when you confronted her, she might have actually believed you (but probably not!!!) She sounds like a real winner. We have one of those families in our neighborhood too.
September 15th, 2009 at 7:58 amKudos Chris! You handled it better than I would have, I would have cut the kids off from playing with the brats way earlier than you did…I have a neighbor and kids from hell here in our apt complex(part of the reason we rushed to find a house so quickly and just pay out the rest of our lease) and the hard part is my oldest is best friends with the psychos oldest kid(who is great and does everything she can to stay away from home) but the 2 boys are awful.2 days after christmas broke 2 of my kids ectric helicopters for the parent to say oh well. peeing on the sidewalk in front of the apt door, spitting on the car in front of the parent and the went oh you know better….the list goes on. my 2 younger kids arent allowed over to their house and they arent allowed to play with their boys…..some has to do with the parents also… in what world do you yell at a 8 year old for knocking on the door and not waiting 10 minutes to get your ass off the recliner….she knocked didnt get an answer quick enough and skipped off on her way only for him to answer the door yell at her and tell her she is never welcome to come to their apt again..psycho!
4 more days and we will have new neighborhood drama LOL
Best of luck and you are way better than i am!
September 15th, 2009 at 9:06 amWhere is the Dad of the family? Just curious…
September 15th, 2009 at 9:14 amThose poor kids don’t stand a CHANCE of turning out ok with a mother like that! Good for you, not backing down. Sounds like the mom and kids are all bullies (or at least liars and thieves!).
September 15th, 2009 at 12:03 pmI’m so sorry you had to go through this! I won’t get into my story since that would take up a whole blog but we’ve had similar type neighbors. They recently moved…hallelujah!! How some people can’t see or manage to twist factual information is beyond me. I’m so impressed that you were able to respond and stand your ground. I would have been speechless or not been able to get out an appropriate (or inappropriate) response and been left with “I should have said….”
September 15th, 2009 at 12:51 pmI’ve had those neighbors before…
lucky for us they moved!
And if your neighbors don’t happen to move in the next couple of days, the only choice is to keep the kids apart and keep your doors locked!
September 15th, 2009 at 2:14 pmOh I hate having to live around these kinds of folks.
September 15th, 2009 at 2:42 pmGood for you for not saying….”You know what lady I was warned about you and yours by so many folks and I decided to make my own decisions based on our own interactions. But I can see I should have listened because it is all true and your behavior is inappropriate and you are bringing up children that do not know right from wrong!” ( loud voice and heavy breathing here :0) )
I have had to move to get away from a crazy neighbor that made my life a living nightmare with his threats and bullying.
Be careful out there!
Wow! Way to keep your composure. I’m not sure what I would have done in the same situation.I can relate though, I have two sons and it seems that two particular kids(brothers) like to “borrow without asking” my kids clothes and shoes! It is strange to see other kids outfitted in stuff you’ve bought. I label the hell out of everything now.
September 15th, 2009 at 3:28 pmI work with kids and I am continually amazed at how children will just tell bald-faced lie after bald-faced lie while they look you in eye. You can see the child take a swing at another child with a stick, catch him/her with said stick, and the child will STILL deny scratching/hitting others.
Anyone with school-age kids knows how just how much money those ripsticks cost. I don’t care if Bobby said you could “borrow” it, you’ll be riding it right back to him. Who doesn’t notice when your kids shows up with a “new” $80.00 toy?
That mother better get a tight grip now. As a social worker, I’m here to tell you, it won’t stop at ripsticks and ice cream.
September 15th, 2009 at 3:47 pmWell it’s really sad all the way around. The parents are clearly shaping their children to be constantly in trouble with the law.
September 15th, 2009 at 4:18 pmMaybe the police department needs to come and casually chat with kids in the neighborhood!
This would be a great backtalk episode ….
September 15th, 2009 at 4:39 pmI’ve always admired people who can stay calm in a confrontation. Kudos to you for handling it the way you did.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:01 amHmm…we have a couple of families who have soured the neighborhood for us, too. It has totally ruined the dream I had for my children to grow up in a neighborhood with life-long childhood friendships. I was and continue to be amazed by how parents can be in complete denial when it comes to their children’s behavior. In our case, after “the incident”, it was clear that the parents were sending many wrong messages to their children. What parent blames a 3 yo for something an 8 yo has done? We are still seriously considering moving but I fear that these sorts of people exist everywhere and at least we know to stay away from them. The only thing I have control over is my reaction and my behavior. Cuz I know my kids are learning a lot more from me than from the mean, whacko neighbors. But, boy, I wish it were easier to deal with people like this. Over the long term, good will win out. In the short term, I need to focus on keeping my kids safe and healthy. I hope you have no more incidents with this neighbor and also hope your children are able to heal quickly and move forward. What happened in our neighborhood was really hard on my kids and I really wish I could have somehow spared them the pain.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:38 am“sold it on Craigslist”!!!!! Damn! They know they don’t even own it and they sell it…these kids will be running a chop shop in the future!
September 16th, 2009 at 9:23 amGood Lord.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:21 pmI was a School Secretary for about four years. You have no idea (maybe you do) how many parents will defend their little beasts…I mean children even in the face of evidence against them. There were times that little Johnny would be caught with what he stole, ADMIT that he stole it and the parent would yell at us that we were lying.
I once told a mom that her child had been incredibly rude to me (yelled and spit in my direction) and she asked “how..how was he rude?” I told her what happened and she yelled “that’s not rude” - I’d hate to think what she’d consider “rude.” Yeah…there are all types of crazy and most of them procrate…so sad.
As for her kids…next time call the police.
September 16th, 2009 at 8:43 pmMy saying for these situations:
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!
September 16th, 2009 at 11:01 pmMy favorite: neighbor’s children would ride their bikes up and down our long, long driveway. That was fine until I asked them not to ride through the flowers (not by accident, mind you. These kids were 10). As I turned around, one boy gave me the bird!
I spoke to his mother. I quote: He doesn’t know what that means. Don’t be so sensitive.
Oy. They moved. I feel for their new neighbors.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:23 pmWow. That family makes the families in my neighborhood look like freakin’ saints.
In my experience-the apples never fall too far from the tree–and that evidently seems to be the case here.
Kids are not born this way–that behavior is cultivated!
THese are wonderful teachable moments/issues for your family. This is where your babes learn that there are people in the world that are not that great (or just plain awful)–better to learn while still under your wing when they can go to you with their questions than when out on their own with no one to have as a sounding board. Your last para. sums it up best. It still sucks though…
I grew up very sheltered and lost my parents at age 16. I remember the most common thought that ran through my head after I was off on my own in college:
“What the HELL is WRONG with people?!?!?!”
I quickly learned that what I considered acceptable human conduct was waaayyy too optimistic for general society and that YES there are more good people than bad people in the world–it is teaching my kids about all those sticky gray areas in life that sometimes keeps me up at night…
Rose
September 17th, 2009 at 11:59 amMom to 3 under 5
(been following your blog off and on for the last couple of years)
Here’s the thing. We are our kids’ greatest (and sometimes only) true champion. We should definitely defend them at all costs UNTIL we find out there was wrong doing. I don’t know if your neighbor has on blinders, but maybe she does. You did the right thing. She probably thought she was doing the right thing too. But you definitely had a LONG LIST of problems to reference and I would have done the same thing you did. Rather than argue and continue to worry, just say bye and move on. This friendship is not worth it. It’s a lesson learned. For you and your kids.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:21 pmParents like the one you had to deal with are one of many things wrong with society.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:59 pmThis kind of post makes me wish I lived down the street from you and I could come pick you up and buy you a coffee and JUST LISTEN and console. I have been there with a crazed mother and family. I have also experienced the parents whose kids do no wrong.
All I can say is, I feel sorry for those kids whose parents are teaching them that it is OK to steal and not be accountable. That when you do something wrong, you don’t apologize and make amends, you attack back. Because they are going to have a hard life as they get older.
Your kids had a tough lesson to learn, but they will be better having seen how you handled that–calmly, and with class. That took some real inner strength and they will take that with them more than stupid kids who steal scooters. Way to go, mom!
September 18th, 2009 at 10:06 amtake serial numbers, keep lists, call sheriff’s department, tell story, take names, end of story
September 18th, 2009 at 4:18 pmI too am in a quandry…my daughter is in first grade this year and we found out our next door neighbor is in her class (again) this year. She is somewhat of a bully and likes to make Alex come ask us for stuff all the time, whether it’s snacks, or juice, or toys or items that she wants her to “share” with her. She’s also very sassy and her overbearing mother is constantly yelling at her (not to mention she is bordering on obese).
But because I have always felt sorry for her situation and mainly blame her behavioral problems on her parents and the way they discipline and parent, I have kind of turned a blind eye and limit her play time with her.
Until now. Oh yes, I have reached my limit with that child as the start of the school year is underway. Last night my child burst out crying when she got home yesterday, telling me she got in trouble by her teacher, when the one to blame is said neighbor. Whenever my daughter goes to the bathroom, she always says she has to come too so they go together. Apparently she goofs off, climbs the stalls to peak in at her and just makes trouble. So when they got back to class the teacher questioned why they took so long and the neighbor blamed Alex for messing around, peeking over the stalls invading “her” privacy and being mean. So Alex got in trouble.
OH HELL NO SHE DIDN’T!
I don’t know if I should call up the teacher to set her straight, but it’s Alex’s word against hers. Should I just explain the situation to the teacher and ask for them to be kept more apart? Should I talk to the mother?
*sigh*
The older they get, the more the problems ensue and I am more of a passive than aggressive person…I really hope in time the teacher comes to realize who the real liar is. Not saying my kids are perfect, but at they have manners and have been taught not to lie. We’ll just have to see….
September 18th, 2009 at 10:13 pmI’m so sorry you met up with the mother from hell.
October 4th, 2009 at 1:37 pm