Report Card Time
September 29, 2009
I have been dreading this. I feel like it is reflection on me and all my years of teaching, and frankly I don’t want to be judged or graded. It has been stressful.
I am not sure if I ever posted a follow up about my eigth grade son that I called the meeting for at school. The son who has ADHD and is painfully disorganized. The one I thought was surely flunking out of school, not because he isn’t smart. He is smart. He is crazy smart. You ever get stranded on a desert island, he is the person you want with you. He has incredible problem solving skills and can fix anything, the sprinkler system, the garage door opener, any appliances we have ever owned. It is just that his particualr for of brilliance does not translate well into a school setting.
I went into the meeting and solemnly looked at his teachers and said, “I really, really just hope he can manage to get it together and graduate highschool. Sometime. In his life.” I let out a long big sigh and shifted a sleeping Miles in my arms. Feeling like the cliche mother of too many kids.
And the team of teachers all looked back at me confused and asked what kid I was talking about, because they see none of those things.
Yeah, that kid, had straight A’s and all his teachers regarded him highly.
Anyway, grading period ended and… My oldest three sons GOT ALL A’s.
I don’t want to talk about 8 and 10 yr old sons though. Ugh. I knew my 8 yr old was struggling with reading. He just doesn’t get it. I had already decided that if I were homeschooling this year he needed to be tested and get some help that I apparently was not capable of giving. But my 10 yr old? His difficulties shocked me. I guess he was good enough at faking his reading skills, of reading just enough words to get the gist of the book or story that I never noticed. Perhaps I was distracted by those dimples.
Go on, stab me through the heart with some dull number two pencils. It would be less painful than the mental flagellation I have been giving myself daily. I take some consolation in the fact that both my 7th and 8th graders were late readers and they are reading just fine now. (See above: ALL A’s!) I fully believe that the younger boys will catch up eventually. I have no reason not to. I don’t think you can live in a house that has literally thousands of books, heavy restrictions on the amount of tv viewing allowed, and only the wii for video game playing and NOT learn the value of reading.
And if I am going to be honest, the way I feel has more to do with other people’s perceptions of me that their shortcomings. My own feelings of being a failure. I can’t walk into the elementary school without feeling like a big old loser. The cliche. The woman with so many kids she couldn’t bother to teach them properly. Or maybe she is too dumb.
Would it be weird to just happen to have my college diplomas in my hand the next time I have a meeting at the school? I could trip and have them go flying across the principal’s desk. And I could be all, “Ohhhhh, how did these get here?” All casual, like people always walk around with their diplomas all the time.
Granted they might think I am crazy, but I’ll take that over dumb.
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Are you kidding? I think it sounds like they are all doing great! Don’t beat yourself up and be proud of those A’s. And have a great night celebrating those report cards. As for the other grades; they are just letters…
September 29th, 2009 at 6:27 pmMeetings like that always make me want to drop random comments about my education level, other successful children etc. My Mom, who was a fantastic advocate for her learning disabled son, always tells me to go onto those meetings with the attitude that “I am a professional mother.” Anyway, clearly you did many, many things right, regardless of whether your kids fit into whatever box the public school is on. And my experience with getting “special resource” or “IEP” help for my late-blooming sons has always been pretty positive and helpful.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:45 pmGive them time to adjust to the setting and with the right help they will get there in no time.
September 29th, 2009 at 6:52 pmSo not true…you’re not dumb or crazy. I know everyone will leap to your defense and I am completely with them…but I’m not a mom, so my opinion doesn’t seem to mean much in the parenting world. I know what I see and feel though, and I think you’re wrong.
Also, neither of my parents are readers or music lovers, yet my brother and I somehow LOVE both. My sister is not a reader, I was married to a non-reader, I have friends who don’t read. My honest belief is that either you are or you aren’t. Maybe some of your kids just aren’t into reading and may never be.
September 29th, 2009 at 7:02 pmEveryone’s going to say this, but don’t be so hard on yourself, Chris! Your kids are doing great and even if a couple are struggling a bit, they’d have been doing the same with you. Heck, the one figured out how to fool you into thinking he was doing just fine. They’ll get the help they need and will do just fine. Give yourself a big hug for being a great, attentive mom and doing all you have for your kids!
September 29th, 2009 at 7:02 pmI’m sure you have done a fine job! It appears you have mastered the most important thing a great balance of sports, learning and just being a kid — at least from my persepctive!
September 29th, 2009 at 7:10 pmYou’ve got to be oh-so-proud of yourself, and of those kids. Way to go, Chris. The younger ones will catch up, I’m sure, like you say.
September 29th, 2009 at 7:39 pmOh honey, I so understand. My youngest son qualified for free summer school this year because his reading skills were so poor. He just wasn’t getting it. This is the same child that you can have philosophical discussions about life and death and understands the basics of division.
I opted not to enroll him in the summer school and instead got a private tutor.
She was a God send.
Max’s teacher agreed the summer school would be a bust because it was both math and reading. He does not need help with math just reading. He would be bored to tears and in a large classroom would get lost. She recommended an in school reading specialist that liked to tutor over summer break.
She was worth every penny, Max blossomed in his one on one sessions with her.
So see if you can get some sort of tutor.
September 29th, 2009 at 7:52 pmWhen my oldest went to school, he always did poorly on reading tests and was sent to to lower reading classes, which he hated. He tended to only read the first few letters of a word and make up the rest. (His spelling is still highly amusing, indicating that even at age 11 he does this a lot). But when tested on comprehension of a story, rather than individual words, he scored much higher. The lower reading classes just meant he had no incentive to read their silly stories, although at home he continued to read whatever interested him.
Anyway, if you ten year old is reading and comprehending, then I’d relax about how he is actually doing it. It’s great that he is getting help on any weaknesses, but the main goal is still to have him enthusiastic about reading, not about the scores. It’s harder to keep track of that at school sometimes.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:04 pmSometimes with reading it’s just a matter of finding the right series. I hated reading, and was terrible at it until I found the Babysitter’s Club series. Maybe they just need to find the right book to fall in love with reading.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:04 pmAwww. Feel better. The blonde looks like he can do Abercrombie jr ads in his football gear if all else fails. Like you say though, they’ll get it eventually. AND, something I read the other day that I just loved and have been repeating every chance I get is this: One setback no more makes someone a total failure, than one success makes someone perfect. So. Don’t beat yourself up. You did and are teaching your kiddos well.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:25 pmIt now occurs to me your blonde may in fact be older than ten aka which would mean he has both model good looks and brains. Damn him!!!
Chris says: Nope, the blonde is the 10 yr old. I always joke that he is blonde in every sense of the word.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:26 pmRemember: breathe in, breathe out.
And then go get a corkscrew!
They are going to get past this-it could just be a phase!
September 29th, 2009 at 8:27 pmI’m 110% sure that you have done a great job teaching your children! Boys are usually later readers than girls, as you clearly see in the wonderful rows of A’s from your older ones. This won’t mean much from someone whom you’ve never met, but I have taken much of your homeschooling advice over the years and you have been nothing but helpful to us. Thank you. And I think pinning your diplomas to your shirt is perfectly normal, so there you go.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:36 pmSeriously? I have one child and feel exactly the same way. I dread the hall of school, because I’m the cliche of the helicopter mommy who puts too much energy into her ONLY precious baby — when the reality is, I’m praying they don’t kick him out for fear I have no idea what to do with him. (I jest, maybe.)
My point, I feel like a failure all the time. I feel like my son’s grades are a reflection on how well I raised him — how much of me he gets or how little. I fear that I’ve given him a handicap by being my only, but I can’t change that.
Is it our lot in life as mothers to never realize that we aren’t failing at something all the time?
September 29th, 2009 at 8:38 pmI seriously don’t know how you homeschooled your kids with 7 of them in the house! I have a hard time even getting through homework with all the chaos and fighting (and 3 less kids). I had a tiny taste of homeschooling last week when my 1st grader was too wheezy to go to school. It stressed me out when he got back to school and had to take 2 tests.
I have felt like that cliche mother with too many kids many times. But hopefully one day they will all have good jobs and I will live in a really fancy nursing home! I will have the last laugh. (If I can even remember what I’m laughing about by then.)
September 29th, 2009 at 8:40 pmIsn’t it funny that no matter what our circumstance we beat ourselves up? I am the polar opposite of you, but a self proclaimed failure as well. I am the mother of only two children, one of which started kindergarten this year. This brilliant child went to a top notch, ivy league type of childcare facility while I worked. He is struggling socially in his new public school. And I assume that I am being judged because I am a bad mother and he was surrounded by other brilliantly sequestered children and now can’t cope in the “real” world. You are a great mom. Your children are loved and allowed to be the individuals they want to be. Chin up.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:50 pmI so know that feeling. I stayed home with my son who has Down syndrome and because I was a stay home mom, I was regarded at times as less, even though I have two degrees in education. I was treated very differently when my education level was known and THAT irritates me!!!! Having a special needs child is hard and sometimes leaves you feeling very inadequate and when educators use their positions to intimidate, well I have been known to be very let’s say not nice. I also do not let doctors do the intimidation thingy either. I guess I am a trouble maker but that’s Ok with me!
September 29th, 2009 at 8:50 pmHow many diplomas do you have?
Chris says: Only two. I made it sound like I had a whole armful, huh? But I *could* photocopy them and make it seem like even more
September 29th, 2009 at 8:53 pmThe fact that you attended the meeting tells the teachers that you care. Horrible mothers wouldn’t even show up.
You home schooled all of your children, so you obviously were/are doing something right. I’m sure you and the school will have a plan in place soon.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:01 pmChris:
September 29th, 2009 at 9:10 pmI love how when you are an mother of far too many children and choose not to work outside your home, it automatically labels you and not educated. Well gosh, no one educated enough would have too many children, right? I mean those women aren’t good for anything but taking care of children. Right? They let their husbands go to work all day everyday and slave away just to feed all those mouths! I just love it when the staff sits there and giggles at me when I am rushing my children in, while eating their toast, before the late bell. Or when I am the second to the last one to pick up my children. Or when one of them forgets their lunch box so I have to drop them off, drive home, and come back with said lunchbox in hand. I mean I would just love one day to casually mention..oh wait I think I remember having my oldest in Medical School….OH wait..you guys didn’t know I use to be a doctor. Yea…wait I can’t remember if that was when I was getting my undergrad. OH you didn’t know I have a Human Resource Management Degree with a minor in Marketing. OH I’m sorry..maybe it was last year when I was studying for my MBA. Yea I know, when did I find the time between keeping my children alive, getting them to this practice or that, having one in the choir the other homeschooling BUT playing sports for the middle school, and a husband who is gone six months out of a year, oh he’s in the navy, did I find the time to go to grad school and get my MBA. Who knows? And then they would ask..well what are you going to do with all that? Oh nothing..I just let all those decorate the walls of my craft room..aka the office.
I hate people who assume.
You homeschooled 6 children, one all the way until he got to high school, one with ADHD, three more ACTIVE boys and one girl. The ones that spent the most time at home GOT ALL A’s. The FIRST time they went to school. You rock!
Your younger sons WILL catch up. The 8-yr-old has learning issues that you had already recognized and that will be addressed by people trained spcifically for that. The 10-yr-old is a free spirit who will also catch on. All kids are different, if some are not straight-A students, then so what?
You can hold your head up high and know that you set terrific examples and standards and it’s an adjustment that the kids will make at their own speed. This is their FIRST year of institutional school, there are bound to be some bumps. Besides, no one ever didn’t get into college or didn’t get a job because their fifth grade report card was not up to par. You have already proven to be one of the good parents, the ones who are involved in their children’s lives and schooling. For teachers and administrators, that alone makes you awesome.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:13 pmone:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
Elenor Roosevelt (1937)
two:
Did they do/say anything to ” infer” that this is something that y-o-u should have “caught”?? Give yourself a break!! so, mr 8 & mr 10 both get evals, you take it from there. late readers? Not ” sucha big whoop” as my husbands grandma used to say. when they call home from Yale (for more $$ , natch) you will be laughing, laughing, laughing.
three:
All of the children at this outpost of crazy ARE SO VASTLY DIFFERENT.how they anything— Learn,think, enjoy- you name it. and ( I think) WHO YOU ARE effects so much of HOW YOU LEARN. One of my FAV books of all time. ( helped me breathe & remember this at impossible moments!)
Nurture By Nature
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ISBN-13: 978-0316845137
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3 straight A’s!!!!! is amazing. ESP from coming from never having been to “school” before. I ( would imagine) you expected the general adjustment would be harder for some then others.
you know, I’ve always thought you sounded pretty DUMB.
mmmm…. no, no - not a word I would use.
on a totally different note - HAVE YOU SEEN THE WINEGLASSES THAT HOLD AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE? O yes, yes they do.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:18 pmand its funny, it kinda just looks like a reg serving. I’m just saying……..
witness the idiot savant attempt to link
nurture by nature
September 29th, 2009 at 9:32 pmhttp://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_5_5?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=nurture+by+nature&sprefix=nurtu
Chris,
Do not beat yourself up! I am a special education teacher who works primarily with learning disabled learning children. Your kids will be ok. All school districts have programs that will assist them in the progress of their learning deficits.
I know we try not to call attention to the programs and the names of the programs. My students’ friends BEG to come with them for some extra help. You have done nothing wrong and your children’s progress or lack there of, in your mind, is not the end all. The best kids, some of the brightest kids I have ever met, have a learning disability.
I teach them tricks. I call them crutches. I tell them that like a person with a broken leg, they need crutches..my tricks …to help them GET IT! That smile and the twinkle in their eyes when they do finally get it, keep me going.
Your children will graduate. I am always explaining to my students, their parents, and even their classroom teachers that a C is average. What is wrong with average? Average is what makes the world go ’round.
If every person does everything they can, and work with the very best of their ability, who are we as teachers, parents, school administrators and John Q Public, saying that is not good enough? What is better than anyone’s best?
Screw high honors, honor rolls and public notices in the papers. My own two children were born fortunate enough to do well in school, no disabilities, made honor rolls all the time. Does that make them better than anyone’s child who tries their very best and gets a C? NO!!!!!!!!
My son, who never had to study in school to get excellent grades in school, who said he just needed to as much little as possible to get by, never graduated from college! He got into top college and failed out of all of them. He never had to work in high school and so he never learned to study! Talk about a blow to one’s ego!
It really P’s me off that the public recognition of a child’s success is the grade they receive and not the effort they put into it. Also remember, unless the grades are reflective of memorization of facts, spitting rote learning, many are subjective grades, especially in writing.
In other words, give yourself a break. The kids will be fine. I commend you for the years you home-schooled It is not an easy task to undertake, and there are few rewards. I say that because most home-schooling families are always judging themselves and end up wondering if they the right thing. Who is to say it wasn’t?
Sue
September 29th, 2009 at 9:34 pmChris, I teach elementary school and I’ll let you in on a little secret, I feel that way too. I pray that every year I send my kids to the next grade properly prepared!
September 29th, 2009 at 9:41 pmYou are not dumb.
Come on.
Say it with me ” I. am. not. dumb.”
the end
September 29th, 2009 at 9:52 pmYou could “just” be taking the diplomas to get framed. Seems like a very reasonable situation. Then you would be smart and not crazy!
My daughter’s teacher said something very profound to me this year… that in the big scheme of things that it doesn’t matter when your child starts reading or doing xyz. That colleges do not ask when you learned to read or finally got your multiplication flash cards down. She also encouraged us to not push our children so hard. A good word for me and my husband!
Take courage that most of your children are passing with flying colors! The other ones will catch up in their own time. You are a great mom.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:56 pmif the older boys were late readers than i would not be too worried about the other ones. all you can do is help them as best you can and tell them to do their best.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:37 pmLOL! I feel the same way about my diplomas. I have five children and feel like I need to walk around with my Master’s in my purse to prove that there really is a brain in here and not just a sad little highschool drop-out with a ton of kids. I also feel like I should tell people, for the record, that I’ve only been pregnant twice. (one baby, a set of twins, and two full-time stepsons)
Clearly, you must be doing something spectacularly right for your older kids to be doing so well. Congrats!!! Your other children will catch up. Not only do they have you, they also have great sibling role models. : )
September 29th, 2009 at 10:44 pmAw. Don’t talk about you that way. You are clearly quite lovely and have lovely kids. AND the older 3 got straight A’s and they are the ones you homeschooled longest. Clearly you did a good job.
Plus your kids are all still alive, you know where they all are AND they’re wearing clothes. If I had seven kids it would not be pretty.
Don’t take the diplomas. Too much fuss. Wear your mortar board. Stylish, it’ll keep the sun out of your eyes AND it’ll show THEM.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:46 pmI have alot of anxiety about school stuff, too (and my kids are only in preschool and 1st grade!). I’m not sure if I think it has to do with my own parent insecurities or the fact that I want everyone to know how special and smart my kids are. Or maybe because my mother was a teacher and I know what she thought about certain families! UGH. We just do all we can, I guess.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:49 pmHmmm, I think it’s telling that your oldest three got all A’s. I’m sure that you’re a great homeschooler otherwise how did that happen?
And didn’t school just start? Is this a mid-term grading thing?
Chris says: 6 week progress report. So I guess it is also called midterm? I need to brush up on my school lingo I think!
September 29th, 2009 at 10:54 pmMy mom was one of those women with “too many” kids…she only had an 8th grade education, she could barely afford clothes and food, let alone put away money for us for college or anything like that. She worked her butt off and didn’t always have the time to sit down with each of us individually to read or play. We all learned to read, and we’re all doing quite well in life…most importantly we all have each other as best friends, and the kind of bond you can only have when you’re from a big family…
I put mine in school after homeschooling and I can’t help but refer to it every now and then as the “soul sucking factory”, but I’m sure it will be fine! I’m on edge too wondering if I’m being judged because my younger kids are behind some of their classmates, but I don’t regret the time they were at home with me and I just let them be kids for a little while longer instead of drilling them with facts…congrats on the all A’s!
September 29th, 2009 at 10:57 pmMy oldest son was a late reader - he started at about 9 years and 3 months. 2 months later, he was reading Harry Potter. Some things cannot be rushed. Your 8-year-old (if he is doing the other pre-reading skills okay) is probably just fine.
All my other kids have read at a “normal” age, by the way. Late reading has nothing to do with the mother and her perceived lack of teaching skills. As long as the kid isn’t glued to a screen 6 hours a day, it’s not your fault.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:59 pmChris, please don’t beat yourself up. Gosh, having ONE kid make all A’s would be an accomplishment - you have THREE! The 8 and 10 year old *will* indeed catch up. I may be assuming too much, but the transition to a completely different kind of school may have been harder on the younger kids - they don’t have quite the emotional maturity to deal with such a huge change as successfully.
You have done a marvelous job teaching your kids - you have no reason to feel inadequate. But if it will help - do you have any of those little pins from college honor societies? They may the same point, without you risking wrinkling your diplomas when they fly across the room.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:00 pmDear Chris,
Just Wow. That is so wonderful about the three oldest!!! I just want to share a bit about the learning issues (or not) with the 8 and 10 year olds. First of all, often these are the exact ages that schooled kids start to flail if there are reading issues. Especially bright kids (how do I know this you might add? Well been there - said boy will be graduating high school with honors and is applying to top schools in the country btw, and I am also a teacher or was a teacher…This is the same boy who I was desperate to have read, and I homeschooled him for a year while I sorted out with the help of many experts, exactly what it was that was preventing him from reading…)
September 29th, 2009 at 11:01 pmWhat happens is that they have been sort of figuring it out or limping along or doing an incredible job of covering it up, and it is NOT usually discovered until they are about 10 because that’s when it starts to get difficult to fake a biology textbook etc…
NO Guilt either - again the reason being that until about 8 or 10, the stuff they need to learn to really begin reading usually doesn’t even start until now. If indeed there are learning issues, these are the years to discover them and to give them the tools that are needed. These tools vary depending on what the exact issues are, but they are there.
I hope your school district is a good one and that they know how to help the boys. The only advice I would give you because you have done an amazing job without me (incredible though that may seem!) is to STAY on TOP of it. That is the only thing that is critical from now on because you do not want this to fall through the cracks now. Nobody will ever care more than you do about their ability to read well - that is the key to it all of course!
May seem simple, but have you had your 10 yr old’s eyes checked? My 10 yr old was a reluctant and poor reader, to the point I punished her for not reading a book fast enough. She needed to finish for a book discussion group. She spent 2 whole days trying to catch up before I realized her complaint of a headache wasn’t just a ploy to get me to let up. She needed glasses, badly, 20/40 in one eye and 20/60 and something else I can’t remember. Almost as soon as she had her glasses she started reading for fun and often. It was just hard for her and I didn’t catch it. She’s my youngest of four. My other girls hadn’t needed them, it just didn’t occur to me. She’s had them just over a year and reads for about an hour every night.
Chris says: Yes, he has had his vision tested and it is perfect.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:01 pmAll kids are so different…I always feel the same way you just described when I go to conferences for one of my sons…I know he will come around eventually, but it is hard in the meantime….Hang in there…the fact that you feel these things shows how good of a mother you are
September 29th, 2009 at 11:04 pmDelurking - they don’t think you are dumb or a poor mother. Nor are they darkly muttering imprecations about “home schoolers” under their breath. Promise. And the kids will be fine, too. Good luck.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:05 pmChris says: While I believe that you are right, I still feel that way. All of the teachers at the school have been so incredible with my boys that I am truly in awe. And even better than all the help they are receiving isthe fact that they love going to school every day.
Chris, do not be so hard on yourself. The fact that your older children have straight A’s shows that you did something right. The younger two will come along in due time. I do not speak from experience, but I figure that if the boys need any type of support whatsoever, they have you and their older brothers to rely on. I only have two and sometimes I am baffled at what they DO NOT know versus what they have actually learned. My 11 year old cannot count quickly enough and always need help (in my opinion) yet she was placed in advanced math. My 7 year old HATES reading, but LOVES to be read to. He enjoys going to the library and the book store to add to his collection, but as for reading - that’s another story (no pun intended). I think that as parents, we feel as if we have failed our children if they do not do well. Your boys will get there sooner than you think and the worry that you have will be a distant memory.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:29 pmDon’t stress! As a teacher, and mother, I’ll tell you more teachers than you would know have kids with learning issues. I think it makes us a more empathetic teachers and more understanding mothers.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:30 pmUm, I think you need to change a few words in your post…
“And the dozens of blog readers all looked back at my post confused and asked what Mom I was talking about, because they see none of those things.
Yeah, that Mom, had straight A’s and all her readers regarded her highly.”
I’m just sayin’
September 29th, 2009 at 11:30 pmDon’t panic - the younger boys will probably pick up speed and comprehension as far as reading is concerned - just give them time. Like you say - in the home environment you have created, they’d be hard pressed NOT to!
September 30th, 2009 at 12:08 amOh wow, I am going through this exact same thing right now! I also have seven children. I also homeschooled and recently decided to send them all back to school. I struggle feeling the same way every time I go in to discuss IEP’s for two of my boys who have ADHD, speech and occupational therapy issues. I am unnerved every single time when they bring up one particular third son who also has ADHD but lacked the speech and occupational therapy issues that automatically qualifies him for extra help. He was a late reader also and at age eleven is not at grade level in that area. I feel like a blabbering idiot and I want to toss my diplomas across the desk too but also I want to point my finger and scream… “Remember when he was six in kindergarten and we all recognized he was struggling, and you suggested that I hold him back another year in spite of the fact that he would be doing kindergarten with a younger brother. I asked you then to give him extra services but you told me he was not far enough behind, well he learned to read six months later when your two teachers couldn’t even get him to correctly recognize the ABC’s after a full year of kindergarten!!!!
September 30th, 2009 at 12:45 amMy boys were just like yours. Slow to begin reading–not necessarily learning (one read at 5) but getting into it and embracing it. Now the two oldest ones are always reading and not just youth books but classic novels and huge fantasy novels. Makes a mother’s heart sing!
I completely sympathize with the feeling of inadequacy and being judged. Unlike you, I have no diplomas to spill across a desk–just a lifelong love for reading and learning and that is what all of my kids have inherited but like most good dishes they have to simmer for a while and get just right.
Congratulations on the success of your older boys. You’re on the right track!
September 30th, 2009 at 1:51 amI’m sorry. I used to feel a little insecure when I first went to those meetings too. (I have one today at 4pm) And they were with preschool teachers.
I think you get used to it and the insecurities fade into the background. At least, that is what has happened for me. (But who knows if they will come back into the foreground when my kid starts elementary school!)
I hope it gets easier for you. If it helps at all, I think you’re smart. And have a done a great job. What does your husband say?
September 30th, 2009 at 2:33 am8 and 10 year old boys + first year in public school = SOCIAL STUFF is more fun.
It isn’t you, it is them … sadly you’ll have to buckle down, maybe get that extra outside help to get them over the hump - but the socialness will always play a HUGE part!
Congrats on decent and very decent midterms.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:46 amI hate to break it to you, but you’re not alone. We all feel inadequate when our kids have difficulties in school whether they were homeschooled first or not. I think it’s part of being a parent who cares about their kids.
My oldest son has behavioral issues where instead of acting like a 3rd grader he acts like he’s in Kindergarten. It’s frustrating for all involved, and when I get calls from his teacher and principal I feel like an epic failure. They know we are working with him at home intensively, and we’ve done 4 years of therapy, but it doesn’t take that sting or feeling of a stigma away. There’s too much pressure for our kids to be perfect and for us to be perfect parents.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:38 amNow that you know that there is a “problem” you can work with the school to find a solution. They should have an early intervention program that would target his weakness. When I worked in Chicago Public Schools it was call School Based Problem Solving. If it’s implemented correctly it could do wonders.
September 30th, 2009 at 7:56 amDid you talk to his teachers about before or after school tutoring? All my friends who teach consider that part of their jobs.
I don’t know if you live near a university, but they might have “reading clinics” run through their school of education - The one I am familiar with targeted working with kids like your son - no diagnosed disability but below grade level.
Also, you have fun, well adjusted, caring kids. A great sense of humor and what a appears to be a clean house with yummy food - you’re doing a helluva a job.
To echo everyone ~ you’ve done a fine job. The Minion has had an IEP since first grade, struggles with math and reading, but somehow this year ( 6th grade ) it has all clicked. Like a lightbulb has FINALLY clicked on. Okay, so the math still is stick-a-fork-in-our-eyes frustrating, but his reading is grade level. I never thought this would happen.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:06 amChris, give yourself a break! This is only their first four weeks of school, and everyone is going to adjust just fine. Don’t question yourself over your teaching skills. You obviously have your 3 oldest sons to show for this. The 8 yr old will receive the help he needs in reading, and the 10 yr old will make his own progress as well. It is never too late to improve. In fact, it may push them to work harder. You are your worst critic. It is easy to see that you have created a very nurturing environment for your children, emotionally as well as intellectually. You are one awesome mama!!
We’re rooting for you!
September 30th, 2009 at 8:19 amUm….you managed to homeschool so many kids for so long….I don’t think anyone would ever think of you as dumb!
September 30th, 2009 at 8:19 amOops, just realized that the kids have probably been in school longer than 4 weeks. Maybe 5 or 6? Anyway, I also meant to add that your older 3 boys with the straight A’s must be so proud, and you as well! What an accomplishment!!
September 30th, 2009 at 8:31 amWe all feel like that, mothers, women, we make a mistake and suddenly we become blind to all the good parenting we have done. I’m sure this feeling will pass and you will once again be a proud Mum who see’s all the good you have done.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:38 amWay to go boys
i am waiting for the progress report to come home for my 8th grader. i think he is doing okay
September 30th, 2009 at 8:42 amas he will tell you and i think one of your posters stated a C is AVERAGE and what is wrong with that
Maybe all the years of homeschooling and having people question your “ability to teach” has given you this inferiority complex!
I am a homeschooler and the hardest thing, for me, is the way people interrogate you on “how do you know they are learning?” or “what makes you qualified to teach your children?” or, my personal favorite comment-”Aren’t you setting your kids up for failure?”
Did you ever experience that? I look at my kids and and amazed at how well they are progressing and some nitwit comes along and makes me feel two inches tall in the span of a minute.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:21 amDelurking as well - The fact that they love going to school is good enough. Who cares that in some areas they are “behind” because I bet in other areas they are waaaaaayyyyyyyyy ahead of the other children.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:21 amWhy do you only use Miles name in your post and everyone else’s ages? I’m trying to keep up with who is who but they keep having birthday!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:33 amI am a frequent reader since 2005, but I hardly ever comment. This post made me want to: don’t you DARE beat yourself up over this. I have been both a classroom teacher (high school English) and a homeschooling mom, and I know the joys and diffuculties of both, too. There is no guarantee that your boys would be any better readers had they attended traditional school from the start. As a matter of fact, they will probably leap ahead quickly, due to the one-on-one attention they received from you for so many years. As a classroom teacher, it is hard to assess everything quickly and correctly, though God alone knows most of them work much harder than to what their payscale testifies! Chin up! I just bet you see an improvement by spring.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:37 amSounds like they are doing great! Quit beating yourself up. I will make you feel better…my son’s kindergarten teacher told me he didn’t know any of his numbers and letters, I was astounded. Then she jabbed the knife further into me by saying, I was really surprised considering you have a teaching degree and you work as the children’s programmer at the library. Ya, I am still bleeding a bit. I thought that was what Kindergarten was for? They will get the reading down, some windows open slower than others.
September 30th, 2009 at 9:44 amChris,
September 30th, 2009 at 9:53 amThe teachers are probably thinking that they admire you for having a lot of children, and you still manage to take excellent care of every one of them. I can see how happy your kids are just by looking at their pictures.
Just know that no matter what, they will always have fond memories of their time at home with their Mama.
I didn’t even homeschool Lael and I feel that way. She goes to a “wealthy” school but didn’t start out there. I’m afraid that she’ll be a little behind because I didn’t get her in the TOP preschool at 3 but she continues to progress and yours will do. Just breathe.
September 30th, 2009 at 10:01 amDon’t beat yourself up! You’ve obviously done a wonderful job. Besides, I fully believe meetings like that are meant to make the parents feel bad.
BTW, I’ve been interested to know how your children have adapted to the public school setting after so many years of home schooling.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:00 amAs the mother of a 9 year old with ADHD and Dyslexia (a fun combination, let me tell you…), I think you are doing a great job with your kids! Now you’re probably wondering how I know this since we don’t know one another in real life. I know this because I see the pictures of your fun, smiling kids on this blog and I can see that they are being loved and being given the sense of self-worth to grow into happy, healthy, helpful adults. You can’t beat that!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:13 amDon’t beat yourself up for thinking you were trying to teach too many kids. Your kids are actually further ahead than most of their peers. My daughter’s first grade class has 24 kids and one teacher. Although she does her job well and does care for them, she is not their mother, and will not put in all of the extra effort that you did with your “students.”
September 30th, 2009 at 11:22 amI’ve been feeling guilty because my 2nd grader has not fulfilled his required reading minutes for the month. Totally my fault, because I don’t have time to sit down and read with him for 20-30 minutes EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He’s not an independent reader yet — if I hand him a book and tell him to read to himself, he’ll just look at the pictures. I frequently wonder if the grades are for the kids or if teachers are really grading the parents.
September 30th, 2009 at 11:24 amMy 11yo has never caught the reading bug, despite living in a house full of books with a mother who considers reading about equal to food in necessity. I’ve always been told that he would eventually turn around, but I was starting to lose hope, until recently. We started reading the Harry Potter series as a family, and he has started reading ahead on his own. I think part of the joy in it for him is that he knows what is happening before his brother does, but whatever it takes to get him reading, you know?
Regarding your son’s reading difficulties - I used to teach children with learning difficulties, and his is a strategy that many of them used - memorization of words, skip words you don’t know or read the beginning of the word and guess at the rest, and hopefully get enough of the story to figure out what is going on. The problem is, as they get to harder material, that strategy becomes less effective. Many parents and teachers miss that they are having difficulty when they are young because they are able to fake it, then suddenly in jr high or high school, they are struggling and no one knows why. I would suggest having them evaluated through the school system, or by a private reading specialist. Maybe its nothing, and they will get it in their own good time, but if there is an actual issue, it will be easier for them to learn strategies to cope with their difficulties now than if you wait until they are older and possibly more behind in their learning.
Cut yourself some slack, Chris - you’re a great mom, and obviously you’re doing lots of things right - look at your older boys!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:43 amThis post hits home for me in a way that I can’t even explain.
I too have and 8 year old and we just had a teacher conference on Monday. She too is really struggling with reading. All she does is just read the words, she doesn’t comprehend at all what she has just read. The teacher showed us that she failed the pre TAKS test and if it had been the actual test, she would not have been promoted to 4th grade. I could have burst into tears right then and there.
But — we also just found out this past weekend that she needs glasses. We are all hoping and pryaing that this will improve her comprehension skills.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:11 pmWHINE WHINE WHINE!
You are NOT dumb…but you ARE acting a little SHORT BUS with your self-deprecation. Read: RETARDED
Pull yourself together woman! You have a 4 year old that uses air quotes. Your children obviously come from quality genetic stock and the fact that you have managed to stay at home with all of them and HOMESCHOOL all of them until this year without ending up institutionalized is wicked cool.
You need a good bottle of wine, a mani-pedi, and a hot bubble bath VERY SOON! You deserve it! And your kids WILL BE FINE. CALM IT!
September 30th, 2009 at 12:14 pmIt’s so easy to feel like a failure when you’re focusing on the wrong things. Your family is a great success story. Hugs to you!
September 30th, 2009 at 12:17 pmOh Chris, I know how you feel. My second son (the one w/a serious heart defect and is lucky to be alive) is off the charts smart, but struggles mightly in reading. He’s had all the tests and is getting help - but when we are home getting him to read to me is a huge fight and well - I spend too little time w/him and I don’t want him to hate to read - so I end up reading to him - but I finally figured out the reason I get so darned mad at him when we are fighting about him reading Go Dog Go - is because I think the teachers will think I’m a bad working Mom (b/c you know if I were home full time we wouldn’t be squeezing it in at 8 or later) because he’s not reading enough at home. They don’t say it - they probably don’t think it - but I think it for them.
Don’t beat yourself up - every kid is different, you’re doing a great job and everyone does things at different paces!
September 30th, 2009 at 12:25 pmSee, this is actually an encouragement to me. I’m currently homeschooling and my two oldest sons have not caught on to reading. They can read, but we can tell that they still don’t get it. And it’s hard to be around other homeschoolers sometimes because there’s always the kid that started reading when they were three, you know? And my oldest has complicated learning “problems” that no one can find a box to put them in. And I always feel like it’s a reflection of me. I guess it would be easier to have sent them to Public school and then use them as an excuse, but really, we just need to find out how he learns, so that we can teach him. No matter where he goes to school or has gone to school, this problem would have come up. I have to constantly require myself not to compare any one of my children to anyone else’s kids. They are all different. They all have there own challenges and strengths.
Thanks so much for sharing. It would have been easier to simply not write about it and yet it helps more people to put it out there.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:40 pmHey, if it makes you feel any better, most parents beat ourselves up when we hear our kids aren’t perfect. Echoing what I’m sure others have said: focus on what you do right, and know the concern about the things that aren’t as good as you hoped means you’ll do something about it — making you better than the fat lot of parents who just don’t care or make excuses. You are good. You are enough. But you are a lot more than good enough.
September 30th, 2009 at 12:50 pmIt astounds me how we always find ways to beat ourseles up, to feel inadequate. I’ve been so impressed with your homeschooling. It would never occur to me that you would feel insecure in the presence of your children’s teachers and yet there you are.
For what it’s worth, I brt your children’s teachers look forward to talking to you. After all, how many of us have an understanding of the teacher’s challenges as clearly as you do? You’ve actually been there, done that.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:05 pmI am so glad you posted about this. I just got home an hour ago from a meeting with my sons 1st grade teacher.
September 30th, 2009 at 2:33 pmHe refuses to learn to read. He is doing way above grade level in math. He’s super smart. Too smart for his own good sometimes. But the schools have this schedule that says you have to be reading so fast and so many words a minute or else you are a failure. He’s already labeled a problem and he’s only 6! I found myself thinking the same thing as you, this is a reflection not of his abilities but of my failures. Never mind we spent the whole summer working on reading, sight words, comprehensino.
You are an awesome mom and I feel like your boys are like mine, they are going to do it on their own schedule. And good job big boys!
Proof that you’re doing a great job, I’d say.
September 30th, 2009 at 3:10 pmAnd this is another post of yours that reassures me about my own parenting worries. My 9 1/2 year old is just starting to read when at the same time her older sister was already devouring books. But she’s been like that with other skills, from speech to riding a bike or swimming, slow to catch on, but eventually mastering the challenge. So, I’m trying to not worry too much about the reading…
Hmmm…. how to share what we go through to help you feel better. First, you are not a bad mom. Yes I understand you feel that way but you have to KNOW that you aren’t.
I’m guessing your 8 & 10 yr old can read enough to play the Wii games. My 8yr old is pulled out for special resources to help him with reading. He can’t read all the dialogue stuff on the Wii. I have no idea how to help him myself. Whatever it is in his little mind that is blocking him is beyond my understanding. At least you have your college degrees. No college degree for me. Never thought of that- gee thanks.
They will do better over time. Maybe they will need some help. So what? The fact that you’re willing and wanting to get to the bottom of it speaks volumes. I have met moms that will deny over and over again that there’s anything wrong with their child. They will not get them help because the child is just “lazy”.
So I say to you- breathe. Take a deep breath in, let it out… and go to the next step. And know that you are a GREAT mom.
September 30th, 2009 at 3:44 pmGreat news about the older boys! And… there’s always football scholarships for the younger boys if the reading thing never comes to fruition.
I kid!!! I kid!!
September 30th, 2009 at 9:14 pmWhy, why, WHY do we have to take our kids’ failures so personally? My 7 year old is struggling with reading, and I feel like it is MY personal failure, and I don’t even homeschool. Like every time he struggles with a word, I think “It’s all because you let him watch Dora when he was little so you could shower instead of reading Wuthering Heights to him.” Ugh. I HATE feeling like this. At times I have thought about starting to homeschool so at least I don’t have to feel that way in front of anyone else. And, honestly, I think he’ll be fine, he’s just a late bloomer, like your sons, and he has so many other good points, but I just don’t want him to feel like a failure or to feel dumb or feel like he can’t “do” school. Parenting is hard. There’s a novel concept for you!
September 30th, 2009 at 11:54 pmYeah,
You are simple…and your Momma dresses you funny.
Your kids…perfect!
Love your Blog
October 1st, 2009 at 10:14 amFirst, congratulations on the great successes that your older 3 experienced in their first quarter in public school. That is huge! Pat yourself, and them, on the back. Yahoo!
Second, I know I would be beating myself up if some of my kids were behind and I had been homeschooling. BUT, some kids just take longer. And you know, there are kids who have been in school for all their years, and they are taking longer too. Nobody tells the teachers they are failing, and it’s a rare teacher who would beat themself up about it. And, btw, a kid who can get meaning from reading even if they can’t read that well is far ahead of the kid who can “word call.”
Your kids will do fine. You’ve done a great job with them. You’re a good mom, and sounds like a pretty darn successful homeschooler.
Now, coming from a person who worked in the schools, I have a suggestion. The more cooperative you are, and the more able you are to swallow the ever present defensiveness of parents in situations like these, the easier the school will be to work with. If you can go in and say “ok, there’s clearly a problem here, what suggestions do you have for how we can address it?” you will likely find some very helpful, supportive, people.
You are good.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:51 amI’m not reading all 78 comments, so I’m sure someone above has said this:
You are raising 7 kids.
Of those 7, not one is a jerk.
Of the two who are having trouble reading, one is smart enough to have faked his way out of having to work on it before this.
The other, you noticed.
Ergo, you are doing a fabulous job. You are raising seven smart, funny, honest, kind citizens. And I send you my thanks.
October 1st, 2009 at 11:46 amI would wonder more about their assessment. My son went into the school system having been reading for years. They told me that he was completely unable to read, and that if I thought he was reading that he had me fooled. Granted, he was a shy kid, but they were SO FAR off base it wasn’t even funny. There was nothing even a little off with his reading ability.
I don’t think you can “fake” reading. That’s silly.
October 1st, 2009 at 9:11 pmMaybe the reason your oldest kids are doing so great is that you gave them the time and space to do it at their own pace. The problem with traditional school is that kids are all expected to be at the same place at the same time. When they are not, then they get identified as having a problem. I’m not saying you don’t have cause for concern, but I’d be willing to bet that with the right support, your two younger boys will A OK. We had a great developmental reading specialist that spoke at our preschool a few years back. I will track down her information and post it to you. Think you would be very interested in what she has to say.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 amI feel you. And I am definitely there. I have thought about walking around with my college degrees, too. But the fact of the matter is, you would feel this way if you hadn’t homeschooled, and then you could blame the school for late reading. And not having had the history of homeschooling them, the children may never have become good readers. Hang in there, and they’ll make the transition smoothly. Before you know it, you’ll have THEIR college degrees to wave around!
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 am