Caught In Between Ten and Twenty
November 11, 2009
On your first birthday. You weren’t nearly as messy on your fifteenth.
To My Oldest Son On His Fifteenth Birthday,
Fifteen years ago I had no idea what I was in for. I didn’t have much of an idea of what it meant to be a mother, other than having a tiny baby. A tiny baby I thought would be like the babies on tv, chubby and smiling on cue. I would still be me, but with an adorable accessory and a little tupperware of Cheerios. I thought all mothers carried Cheerios around with them.
I never did.
I had no idea how much I would change. How much you would change me.
Two weeks before my due date I went into labor with you. I remember pacing the floor of our apartment after my water broke. The contractions coming one on top of the other.
I remember laboring with you in the hospital. I didn’t know that someone could feel so much pain and survive. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. At one point I remember telling the nurse that I changed my mind. I didn’t want to have a baby after all and I would just be leaving thank-you-very-much.
Of course that wasn’t possible.
The labor itself was short maybe four hours until I reached 10 cm and began to push. And push and push. You were stuck. And so I pushed and pushed. Finally after three hours of you stuck between my tail bone and pelvic bones, your heart rate decelerating, the doctor got out the vacuum and pulled you out. It is not a gentle thing being sucked out of a person’s body. The doctor pulled with all his might, I half suspect he had a foot up on the end of the bed for leverage. It was awful. Broken bones and stitches. God Lord the stitches where no one should ever have to be stitched. I have blocked most of that out.
Then I hemorrhaged. Blood was everywhere in the room. I don’t remember most of this because I was losing consciousness. I do remember a controlled sort of panic in the room and getting shots in my legs to stop the bleeding. You were taken from my arms. It would be some hours later before I would be aware enough to view the scene and think it looked like a horror movie butcher shop.
The dimples.
It would be a few hours after that a nurse would catch me crying in bed holding you. It took a few minutes for me to gulp out that I was sad you would be an only child. There was no way I was going to go through THAT again.
And yet…
This photo makes me laugh. You still have this same expression when you are exasperated with me.
All the plans I thought I had, the absolutes I held onto, all of those things have evolved over the past fifteen years. You have paved the path for your siblings behind you. You are my practice child… the one who gets me at my most uptight, my most fearful, my most uncertain. You are the one who gets all the rules, until I realize around kid number three that the rules are not that big of a deal. And by kid number five, well, it is a free for all.
Not really, it just seems that way because I have a clearer picture of what is important.
I have honed whatever new mothering skill it is which that particular age requires. And most often I have discovered that the new mothering skill is just remembering not to get hung up on the small stuff.
Christmas 1997
You have a very different mother than your youngest siblings do. And really, that is not always a bad thing. I remember what it is like to be fifteen. Very clearly remember in fact. So clearly that I wonder how the heck I became old enough to have a child of my own that age.
I look at you and can sometimes still see the baby in your face, the toddler when you smile in that mischievous way. But the chubby cheeks are gone. The dimpled knuckles and wrist creases have been replaced by arms that have muscles and veins, arms that more resemble those of a man than the little boy I still think of you as being.
Summer 1996. With Dee-Dee Bear, your constant companion for the first few years of your life. Your bed mate for the next handful. Now he is in a dusty box somewhere in the back of a closet.
I wonder where the time has gone. Because you aren’t a little boy anymore.
How is it possible that you are that same baby who was torn from my body that cold rainy November day? I wish I could remember those days and years with better clarity. So much of it has been lost from my memory.
I wonder how much of right now will eventually be lost.
I look at the old photos and want to weep. And yet it doesn’t stop me from continuing to wish away the days.
I wrote a few weeks ago on Twitter that every morning you pause at the front door on your way out to the bus stop and yell, “Bye, Mom. I love you!” People thought that I was joking. Will I forget this one day? Or what about your recent sneaker obsession? How many pair of sneakers does a growing teenage boy need, I wonder? Especially since all of your clothes are virtually identical, different colors of the same thing.
You excel in sports and school, but more importantly you excel in life. Your teachers and coaches all like you, even that crotchety teacher who hates all athletes on principle, even he likes you now, grudgingly as it may be. You have friends who text you at all hours of the day and night. You are funny, smart, and able to lift heavy things for me. You also always laugh at my jokes. I couldn’t be prouder of you.
Happy Birthday my first born son.
I love you.
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and…cue tears. *sniff*
November 11th, 2009 at 2:51 pmwritten beautifully, what a lucky mom you are to have him as a son.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:51 pmWell now, you made me cry. Not because our paths are the same but because I have this brown-haired, dimpled boy who I ask the same questions of, have the same dreams for, hold just as tightly. And imagining him 15 is just…well, I can’t do it.
You, beautiful, brave, honest, hilarious, amazing mama — I send you all my love on the day that marks the beginning of the journey into motherhood for you.
Now please send that kid over here to open a few jars and take some crap to the basement for me.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:56 pmAwwww, happy birthday, First Child! Between this and all the Veterans’ Day posts, I can’t seem to keep my mascara on my eyelashes — it’s running all the way down my cheeks.
I’m the oldest of four kids and I love how you said this, Chris: “You are my practice child… the one who gets me at my most uptight, my most fearful, my most uncertain.” So true, I love it.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:56 pmWow. You are very lucky, Chris. He sounds like a great kid. Happy Birthday, Oldest!
November 11th, 2009 at 2:57 pmYou were a baby when you had that baby. It’s amazing how much we(our kids and ourselves) all grow together.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:00 pmHe does look like the baby picture still. What a great birthday message to him!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:02 pmMade me cry! So thankful for my boys, too. Thank you for this.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:02 pmHappy Birthday!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:03 pmBeautiful post, beautiful pictures! The shot of your breastfeeding is very classy. I wish I had some shots of me nursing my boys. Happy Birthday to your first son!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:04 pm“And most often I have discovered that the new mothering skill is just remembering not to get hung up on the small stuff.”
SO true. Great post.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:06 pmWhat a sweet post, and boy look at how young you looked in the breastfeeding picture.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:10 pmwonderful wonderful. and wow, he’s a handsome boy.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:10 pmso poignant. i felt the same way last week when out eldest just turned 26.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:11 pmI have a lump in my throat after reading that! Beautiful description of something so real………….all of it. My oldest will be 10 shortly and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I wonder what he’ll be like when he’s 15 and I’m hoping he’ll be great like yours!
Enjoy that yummy looking cake!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:14 pmthat was ridiculously beautiful. Happy birthday to your son, and to you, because it’s your birthday too, kinda.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:16 pmWhat an awesome post!!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:16 pmthe tears are flowing again
thanks for the great post it reminds us all to remember the past and live in the present. every day is important
November 11th, 2009 at 3:17 pmBeautiful words from a fantastic Mum to a wonderful boy.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:18 pmThe tears are falling.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:19 pmWhat a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your family with us. You have such beautiful kids!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pmAw, so lovely. You must only be about 27 years old now because it looks like you were 12 when you had him…
November 11th, 2009 at 3:28 pmA stranger on the internet is proud of him too, for what it’s worth.
Thanks for sharing Chris, and thanks for the tears.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:30 pmThat was beautiful Chris. Wow, fifteen years! You seem like a great mom.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pmHave you arranged a marriage for him yet? ‘Cause I have a daughter….
November 11th, 2009 at 3:45 pmHow is it YOU still look the same after 15 years?! Those are some good genes you have, I hope your children appreciate them!
Happy Birth day to both of you!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pmHappy Birthday!
November 11th, 2009 at 3:48 pmHappy Birthday! If I were 15 I’d have such a crush on him!
November 11th, 2009 at 4:22 pmThere, you went and made me cry again! You have so much to be proud of in your 15 year old! Hope you all enjoy this special day.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:23 pmOh Chris - I have tears now - was reliving my oldest child’s birth. It sounds almost identical to yours - the uncontrollable bleeding, the vacuum, the stitches. All I really remember is hearing my husband’s voice, coaching ever so gently as I hollered that I just wanted to go home. And now, I look at my son - 25 years old and wonder how I got so lucky!! I had no idea what to do with that baby when we left the hospital, and yet he has turned into a man that I am so proud of! We only had one more after that, a daughter that was born after an hour and a half of easy labor and one push. I am proud of the woman that she has become - and I still wonder how we did it!! There was no owner’s manual provided with either one of them, just us muddling through together.
You have a wonderful family - be proud of each and every one of them!
November 11th, 2009 at 4:23 pmWow…At 26, I only have two dogs who are classified as children to me, but you have left me at my desk with tears! You have such a gift with words, (not to mention mothering, cooking, and saving the world-ing) and it is so beautiful to read. Your kiddos are SUPER fortunate to have you - and to have your recollection of the years and moments gone by. Job well done, 5 times over.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:42 pmHappy birthday Chris’s first born son!
It looks like he had a good birthday. I love the pictures you posted.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:43 pmOh, gosh, Chris. That was a beautiful post. And now you’ve got *me* all teary about your old pictures when I’ve never even met your family. My oldest is turning 8 soon and already his baby pictures get me all teary.
And you’re a brave, brave soul having so many more babies after that first experience. After two of those experiences (like that, but different) in a row I couldn’t think about more babies…not with the logicaly part of my brain anyway…
BTW, What in the world is that cake he has? That thing looks deadly! Yummy, but absolutely deadly. Did he let the rest of the family have a piece?
November 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pmCrying at work in my cubicle…
November 11th, 2009 at 4:57 pmOh, you are so beautiful with your writings. Your son has turned into such a strong, strapping young man. I see why you are proud and love him so. I am w-a-y older than you and can tell you that you will forget lots, but you will also remember lots. The thing I find surprising is that, though I cannot remember exact events, I can remember the feelings and they are always pretty intense. I love your post and stalk it daily. Thank you for allowing us into your life. In my case it helps me to know that my daughter (mother to 9) is not the only one — you and she often think, talk and react very much alike. I can’t wait to hear about your son and his driving escapades. Give him a great big belated birthday hug for me.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:59 pmAw, that was so beautiful Chris! I hope he has a wonderful birthday. And Happy Anniversary of becoming a mom!!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:00 pmBreathtaking photos and such a sweet post. Happy birthday to your young man.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:00 pmSo, so sweet. I love this. Happy momiversary!
November 11th, 2009 at 5:01 pmAww, so sweet. I love your birthday posts. Lucky for me you have 7 birthdays a year to blog about.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:08 pmI have 6 children and only 1 son who just happens to be 15. This post really touched me. You put into words all the things I feel but have a hard time putting into words. You are a great writer.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:11 pmTears. Beautiful tribute to your first born. The one who made you a mom.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:40 pmsimply beautiful.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pmTears - I am 3 years behind you and really felt what you said about wishing the days away….the same ones you want to treasure and hold onto. It’s not fair - the sheer volume of everything we are supposed to remember…he’s a doll! Blessings for a sweet year with him. The last one he’ll be dependent on you for anything big: transportation.
my stringbain just turned 12 - http: //www.16ballsintheair.blogspot.com/happy-birthday-biggest
November 11th, 2009 at 5:58 pmAwwwww, MAN. This one killed me dead.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:00 pmThat is just SO sweet. Happy Birthday to him.
Also, that cake looks INCREDIBLE.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:00 pmBeautiful. Happy birthday!!
November 11th, 2009 at 6:00 pmChris, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, but have never commented. This post really touched me because in about 6 weeks, I’m about to have my first son. I absolutely love the pictures you posted, especially the one where you are nursing him in the hospital. I imagine I will have the same wide-eyed look myself. Thanks for sharing.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:02 pmBeautiful post, Chris!
November 11th, 2009 at 6:06 pmone word: beautiful
November 11th, 2009 at 6:08 pmSad and happy at the same time. I share your feelings exactly about my growing 13yr old.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:11 pmHappy Birthday eldest son!!!
That cake looks amazing! Did you make it? What kind?
Chris says: It was a Snicker cake and according to my kids it looked better than it tasted.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:51 pmI am weeping at how beautiful this was wrote.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:45 pmHow proud he will be to have this heartfelt, wonderful letter from his Mom.
You write the most beautiful birthday wishes to your children. I am crying my eyes out. What a heartfelt post!
November 11th, 2009 at 8:01 pmBeautiful. My oldest is 15 also, and I have no idea how we got here… but it’s a wonderful place to be.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:27 pmAwww! Happy B.day to your man-boy!
November 11th, 2009 at 8:43 pmAwwww… so sweet. My boys are 7months, 2 and 5… and I know I’m going to blink and they will be 15, I try to savor the days… but it is t.o.u.g.h. to do so! Kudos to you Chris, you are a great great mom….
November 11th, 2009 at 8:53 pmBeautiful.
Happy Birthday to the Biggest one
November 11th, 2009 at 9:35 pmWill mine ever be 15? I can’t hardly fathom it…
November 11th, 2009 at 9:35 pmI can’t believe you did have more children after that (yikes!). But from an internet stranger, he is so cute, and seems like such a nice kid. What a great smile! Congrats –
November 11th, 2009 at 9:44 pmSweet. Enjoy each and everyone. Time only goes faster and our babies move away way too quick.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:54 pmHappy Birthday to mother and son. Congratulations, it’s a milestone.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:33 pmIts a great thing being a Mom isn’t it?
Enjoy it all while you can….it will be gone before you know it! (I agree don’t sweat the small stuff…. ummm could you tell my Dear daughter in law this???)
15,, so much living yet to come…..Happy Birthday #1 son
November 11th, 2009 at 10:56 pmHe looks just like his grown up self in the dimple pic. So adorable! He seems like a great kid. You’ve done a great job!
Love the nursing pic too! Good job momma!
November 11th, 2009 at 11:04 pmI have been a lurker for some time now. I don’t even remember how I came across your blog. After reading this post, I decided I had to comment! As as mommy of two little boys ages 3 and 18 months, I cried while reading and wondered about the feelings I will have when my oldest turns 15. My oldest just started preschool, turns 4 in January and is growing way too fast. I choke back tears every day I drop him off at school. Anyway, back to what I wanted to say…Happy Birthday to your oldest! You wrote a beautiful happy birthday to your son!
November 11th, 2009 at 11:45 pmI know you don’t post details or photos of your older kids as often, so this was really nice for all of us cyber-stalkers (you know that phrase is a joke, right?) to see what a great kid /strike young man he is turning out to be. Happy birthday to son #1!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:09 amDidn’t you write a very, very similar post (heck, some passages identical) for this son’s birthday last year?
Chris says: Yup, I revise it every year. One of these years it will be perfect. Not sure why it bothers you though.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:24 amLove the post. Sniffing away the tears reading this and thinking of my two little boys. Thank you for reminding me to not wish away the years
November 12th, 2009 at 2:37 amWow Chris, I can’t believe you have a 15 year old teenager. When I look at your photos of the kids and yourself over the years, even looking at the photo in this post, you don’t appear to have aged at all. I am being totally honest with you here, you have maintained your figure and your looks.
All the boys are really good looking kids, hold on to all your memories of those years, so glad you have kept journals of them all.
You are an amazing Mother who has raised and educated all 7 of your children and have done it well, as you found when the boys brought home all those A’s in their school reports.
What more can I say.
Happy Birthday to a smart and athletic young man, keep up the good work both in school and in sport and I am delighted you tell your Mum each day that you love her. Help your younger sibblings as you have done, you are all a wonderful family and a great example of what a family should be.
Take Care and have a great day.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:13 amLots of Love Carolynn, and the usual BIG HUG for Miles and anyone else who would like one all the way from Western Australia. xxxxx
My firstborn will be 44 years old this Saturday, so I’ve been thinking a lot this past couple of days about his birth and those earlier years. What a nice surprise to read your well written thoughts about your wonderful boy — it’s something all mothers feel and too few of us can express so well. Thanks for a lovely photo essay.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:47 amMy 19yr old stepdaughter just gave birth to a son last night. I have known her since she was one. I have loads of pics like this of her and can’t believe she is now a mother.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:14 amHappy birthday to your son!
ps i also had the i want to go home with my doctor during my first childs birth. he told me if i could get up and get out of there he would let me go. how funny that is now. but i remember it like yesterday.
happy birthday again to oldest son
November 12th, 2009 at 8:48 amHappy birthday to him.
Don’t you hate it when you blink and suddenly they are 15?!
Karen
November 12th, 2009 at 9:13 amHappy Birthday to your handsome boy!!! He looks just like Rob. It seems as though you and your oldest have a great relationship - what a wonderful thing to have. I love how he tells you every morning that he loves you, such a sweetheart. From your writings over the years, I always gathered that he’s a great big brother to his siblings. Not only that, he is a well-rounded student athlete. What a treasure he is! You have done a wonderful job raising your children, and your birthday letters to them are beautiful. Love the baby photos
November 12th, 2009 at 9:22 amChris - What a beautiful post. Happy Birthday to your son!
November 12th, 2009 at 9:30 amHappy birthday! and happy becoming-a-mother day to you Chris!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:20 amI hope he continues to be an amazing son….we keep hitting speed bumps at our house and it’s soooooo hard….
November 12th, 2009 at 11:10 amTears here too…you wrote so beautifully what it sounds like many of us feel too! Happy birthday to your first born!! The time goes way too fast doesn’t it?
November 12th, 2009 at 11:25 amoh man…tearing up at my desk. I love the shot of you nursing, it’s beautiful.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:26 amWonderfully said. Sometimes I felt like those days with infants were eternal but, boy, the years–the years fly by. Congrats on 15 years of growing with your boy.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:53 amHappy Birthday, 15-year-old! (I would say more, but I am sniffling and dabbing at my eyes because one day MY kids will be 15 - too fast, too fast! Very sweetly captured.)
November 12th, 2009 at 12:57 pmOMG, that was a cute baby and a young, but still looks the same, momma. Happy Birthday!
November 12th, 2009 at 1:04 pmWell, that was the sweetest post that got me teared up.
Do your kiddos read your blog? Wondered what he thought of this. I know they will appreciate the posts more when they are older but wondered what they thought at the moment.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:17 pmI LOVE that he pauses at the door every morning. It seems so small but yet it is so big.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:01 pmOh, and Happy Birthday to your baby boy!
November 12th, 2009 at 3:02 pmMy oldest turned 15 last July. I know exactly how you feel. And I am not joking when I say they are just the same. OK well, minus the dimple, and he has blue eyes, and…
November 12th, 2009 at 3:25 pmBut the important things are just the same. He is wonderful. He just came up behind me, gave me a hug and asked me did I want a cup of tea. He has loads of friends. He does well at school and plays sport at National level and most of all he makes me so proud that I could cry. (OK, occasionlly he makes me so exasperated I could cry, but I digress)
Anyway in case you hadn’t guessed, this post resonates with me. Enjoy and have fun
Beautiful. My oldest is 10 and I can so relate to this! Love your Turkey day craft ideas too!
November 12th, 2009 at 3:28 pmGorgeous post. And gorgeous kid, too, if it’s not inappropriate for a 32-year-old woman to say that about a 15-year-old kid. You’ll have to beat those girls off with a stick, as my mom would say.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:55 pmStop making me cry! and Happy Birthday to your first baby
November 12th, 2009 at 9:19 pmBeautiful post. There’s something so special about a firstborn, isn’t there? I guess because that’s the child who first made us mothers.
My mom had once cut out/put on our fridge a little article saying, “You were my favorite because you were my firstborn…” and then, “You were my favorite because you were my middle child…” and so on and so forth. It really captured the essence of what being a mother to each child is. I’m sure it’s out there still if I were to google it…
November 12th, 2009 at 10:07 pmThat’s a beautiful letter, Chris. Happy Birthday to the boy, and happy 15th anniversary of becoming a parent to you and your husband. I hope I can say such wonderful things about my own son when he’s a teenager!
November 13th, 2009 at 2:03 amSOOOOOBBBB. I just had my first son (fourth child) and the thought of him morphing into a MAN, muscles and VEINS and all, wrecks me… and yet, I know somehow I’ll morph into the very proud mom of a man…
November 13th, 2009 at 7:20 amGreat. Now I am crying. Beautiful post.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:27 amWhat a beautiful and heartwarming piece. Happy Birthday to your son - he sounds like a wonderful human being and it is not hard to see where he got that from. Your account makes me realize how quickly every day I have with my children goes by. These moments that i take for granted some days when I worry about all the other “noise” are what I will miss most when they are older and some of these expressions or little quirks become distant memories.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:36 amThat was so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:56 amStop all ready you are making me cry! Beautiful post, would it kill you to age too? Handsome young man, you should be proud.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:23 pmLike many of those who posted, I found your blog through a friend and have been secretly reading along on your trials of life. Your letter to your son was such a gift. I do not have my own children (yet) but you encapsulated a small window of the experience beautifully. Thank you.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:15 pmBeautiful tribute to your oldest son. . . he’s become a very handsome young man!
November 13th, 2009 at 10:24 pmIt’s amazing how I can look at those dimpled baby photos and really SEE your son. Yet I look at my 6 month old and I just cannot fathom what he will look like in 15 years.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:26 pmIt’s only been 6 months and I look at pictures from his newborn days and say “oh yeah! remember when he used to do X?” because I am already starting to forget some of it. I wish I could remember it all.
That is the nicest tribute to a 15 year old I have seen in a very long time. I hope you printed this so you can preserve it for him. Priceless!
November 14th, 2009 at 12:16 amLove this post, Chris.
As for revising it every year, why not? It isn’t like anything changed except for another year of experience with this particular child. It would make no sense to write a fresh new post every year.
Congratulations on 15 years of amazing parenting.
November 14th, 2009 at 3:03 amyour children are lucky to have a mom like you. beautiful post.
November 15th, 2009 at 3:14 pmwow - first , what a handome young man he has turned into - isnt it funny when you can see the people they have become even in the baby pics?
2- make sure he reads this version of his birth story - lol - it will keep him from making you a grandma for sometime.
does he have a wall to hold up in the new house?
November 15th, 2009 at 3:17 pmK
Happy birthday to your son! I have an 18 yo, a 5 yo and a 2 yo and I loved it when my daughter turned 15. It meant she was that much closer to driving herself around so I could stop all the carpool nonsense! Hip, hip hooray!
November 16th, 2009 at 1:43 amYour writing often makes my cry at work - they are becoming accustomed to it - You have a way with words from the heart!
His dimples have remained and he was handsome from the first - (cute as a baby but those older little boy pics are flat out handsome).
Happy birthday to the Son - congratulations to the Parents.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:42 pmThere will always come that time that we have to let them go and watch as the fruits of our labor walk the earth. They grow up so fast.
November 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pmWere you 15 when you had him????
I know you roll your eyes when people say these things to you. I do the same thing. Although you are thin and youthful and I am just youthful. I guess one out of two is not bad!
Both my sons have birthdays in April so it’s a freak fest that month, oh and their father as well right in the middle of the two boys! Awesome.
This post was wonderful, sweet, and made me cry like a little baby. Which I remember from when both the boys were born. Like it was yesterday.
Congrats on getting this far! Happy belated to the man (baby)
November 17th, 2009 at 12:32 am