Now You Are Five
December 17, 2009
The day you were born is still etched in my mind like a series of snapshots. You know those little flip books that you flip through with your thumb, and the quicker you flip the less they look like individual pictures and the more they look like a cohesive story? That is how I remember your birth, only my thumb involuntarily pauses and I get stuck on certain photos longer than others.
Flip, flip, flip…
Waking in a pool of my own blood, gushing like an artery with each contraction. It was shocking to see my own blood everywhere.
Flip, flip
Running back to get my camera from where it was charging. I almost didn’t bring the camera. I had paused with my hand on it and walked away.
Flip
Driving to the hospital in frigid temperatures. The roads were icy. There was some sort of weather advisory. I sat in the front seat silent. My hands on my belly, silently pleading with you to move, even a little. You were stubborn. I watched the scenery pass by through the window, the frozen landscape whizzed by. The sun was just beginning to peak over the hillside in the distance. Hope rising.
I remember thinking that this is what it felt like to feel absolutely nothing. And yet to feel everything with a striking clarity. All of my senses were heightened. I was concious of the contractions, the gushing of blood, the heat blowing out of the vent and hitting me in the face, the frost on the car window, but mostly the stillness of my belly. I rolled the window down. I need fresh air, I had said.
The cold air hit me in the face. It seemed to speak to me, to say everything I had feared for those nine months.
Who do you think you are to be so lucky?
Flip, flip
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.
Please. Just please.
I prayed and bargained with the universe, if you only you give me this– this one thing I am asking for. I have forgotten now what all the things were that I held up as offerings, all the ways I promised that I would be worthy. I hope that I have kept them.
I hope.
Because you were worth it. Are worth it.
Flip, flip, flip
I am laying on a table wearing a hospital gown. The nurse is trying to find your heartbeat with the doppler. We hear nothing. I am acutely aware that I am not in a regular labor and delivery room. I am tucked away in some assessment room. There is no litttle bassinet, no receiving blankets folded and waiting. She moves the doppler around to a different spot on my belly. I am holding my breath.
Finally we hear whoosh. whoosh.
Flip, flip, flip
You came out of my body screaming. You were laid on my chest. Our eyes met and you immediately stopped crying. You were an old soul in a tiny five pound package. In that moment it was like we had known each other forever.
My heart seized in my chest. As much as I couldn’t bear for anything to happen to you moments before you were born, it was ten fold now. I kissed your perfect little face.
Flip, flip, flip, flip…
Now you are five.
And I? I am lucky beyond measure.
The prayer I say when I close my eyes is still the same.
Please. Just please.
Flip…
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beautiful.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:57 pmI am not a regular commenter .. but this is not the first time your blog had made me a little teary. Happy Birthday to your 5 year old!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:12 pmBeautiful. Thank you for sharing your story and him with us. Happy Birthday Miles!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:15 pm“You were an old soul in a tiny five pound package”
Love that. And happy birthday to the new five year-old!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pmWow. Just wow.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:20 pmYES YOU ARE VERY LUCKY!!!
Nothing like eating a nutty butty bar while sobbing my eyes out!!!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:26 pmHappy birthday! And excuse me while I replace the box of tissues I went through reading this post.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:27 pmBeautiful.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pmEven though I knew the outcome, I was worrying with you as you “flipped” through the book.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:35 pmEloquent - as always.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:36 pmI’m sitting at work fighting back the tears…what a beautiful post. Thank you for trusting us all enough to share such a deep and meaningful moment. Many blessings to you and your whole family!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:45 pmAnother lovely tribute to another lovely child. You and all your children are indeed lucky to have one another. And Happy Birthday to Miles!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:46 pmThanks - now I’m crying at work. Beautiful post.
December 17th, 2009 at 2:48 pmLovely. So very lovely. Happy Birthday Baby and Mommy . . .
December 17th, 2009 at 2:49 pmhow ” FLIPPIN” fabulous is this story ???
December 17th, 2009 at 2:50 pmVERY !!!
*sniff* dabbing at eyes…That was beautiful!
December 17th, 2009 at 2:55 pm*Sob*
December 17th, 2009 at 3:00 pmChris - your birth #1 and birth #7 strike fear to my very core…indeed, you are a blessed woman to 1: have survived birth #1 and birth #7 and 2: to have such sweet treasures to replace the horrors known as birth #1 and birth #7…happy birthday sweet Miles, you are so special…you make me smile or laugh because you are such a fun guy!
December 17th, 2009 at 3:08 pmWow! You’re not supposed to make me cry at work! What a beautiful story, and what a beautiful family!
December 17th, 2009 at 3:13 pmMy son and your son share the same birthday, except my son is six today.
We lost our other son at 16 weeks earlier this year. I will never forget that feeling when the doppler couldn’t detect a heartbeat. You describe the awareness, fear and panic so concisely and completely. Thank you for this post.
So very thankful that your story had a happy ending. Enjoy this special day.
Chris says: So sorry for your loss, kathy.
December 17th, 2009 at 3:18 pmThe entire internet is praying that same prayer with you. I feel lucky to enjoy so many snapshots of his (and your) life. Happy Birthday, sweet little boy!
December 17th, 2009 at 3:35 pmYou are such a wonderful writer. That brought tears to my eyes. Happy Birthday Mr. 5 year old!
December 17th, 2009 at 3:39 pmI still can’t believe he is 5. 5 years already? I can not possibly have been reading his entire life.
Happy Birthday to Miles! I do remember the day he was born!
December 17th, 2009 at 3:57 pmEnjoy the day
December 17th, 2009 at 4:43 pmOh, lovely, Chris!
And happy birthday, Miles. May this next year be filled with good things, cupcakes as big as your head, and love.
P.S. What kind of cake is that? And did he seriously make it himself or did he get help?
Chris says: he picked it out at the bakery
December 17th, 2009 at 4:49 pmHe is such a doll! Happy Birthday to your little guy!
December 17th, 2009 at 5:03 pmAnd now I am crying.
As a mother - I know just how you feel.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:12 pmOy! How early was your little big man? Happy belated day to you and him.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:28 pmOMFG…..my heart raced reading this….beautiful as always…Happy Bday Miles…as tears slide down my face.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:43 pmThat was beautiful. Happy Birthday, Miles!
December 17th, 2009 at 5:53 pmWhat a moving, vivid post. How anyone could possibly read that and NOT well up with tears is beyond me. Hope Miles has had a wonderful birthday. (And it’s funny that his newborn photo and birthday photo bear strikingly similar expressions.)
December 17th, 2009 at 5:58 pmSniff. Five. He’s five. Please. Just please. Indeed. Yes, indeed. Five. Sniff.
Chris says: I know, Denise. It is unbelievable.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:59 pmOh wow. What an incredible way to tell an incredible story. Thank you.
December 17th, 2009 at 5:59 pmOMG. What a beautiful boy. Beautiful cake. Beautiful writing.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:02 pmah, perfect.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:10 pmHappy Birthday to your son! Lovely story.
December 17th, 2009 at 6:53 pmAnother beautiful post…you must be feeling very reflectful this holiday season…you have shared many intimate feelings with us…thank you…and Happy Birthday to you little soul mate!
December 17th, 2009 at 7:34 pmFIVE?!? Really? I can’t believe he’s 5!
Happy Birthday Miles!
December 17th, 2009 at 7:56 pmWith this post, you just killed me.
An arrow to the heart!
I am so glad you have your Miles.
December 17th, 2009 at 8:29 pmBeautiful. I have known those moments of feeling nothing, yet everything.
Miles is such a cool little dude. Happy Birthday!
December 17th, 2009 at 8:44 pmHappy Birthday to the wonderful Miles!
I remember vividly the internal pleadings of “just please” when I started bleeding at almost 6 weeks early with my son. He came via c-section later that day and is fine today, but as you say, you never forget that icy feeling at your very core. That woosh, woosh is one of the best sounds in the world!
December 17th, 2009 at 8:50 pmHappy birthday to him. What a terrifying story with the happiest ending in the world. At the risk of sounding corny you have such a gift for storytelling - even though we all obviously know that the story ends well, I was on edge reading the whole thing.
December 17th, 2009 at 9:29 pmI love you both very much from all the way over here where I live. I’m very glad you’re five Miles. I’m very glad he’s five, Chris.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:08 pmThat was beautiful.
A very Happy Birthday to Miles.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:08 pmChris - That post is very beautifully written. Happy 5th Birthday, Miles.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:19 pmYour writing makes my heart fill with Joy. And the pictures of your beautiful children…well they don’t hurt the Joy factor one little bit! Thank you for sharing your life.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:37 pmThose 5 year olds sure are awesome. Happy Birthday to your 5 year old little man.
You certainly described that feeling of waiting for the heartbeat to a T. Sniff. So glad you had such a happy ending, and I will certainly share that prayer over and over again with you. Please. Just Please.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:38 pmcannot be said better than this…never, ever…absolutely written so perfectly…we are all there…we are one with everyone who feels this….thank you chris
December 17th, 2009 at 11:11 pmLovely! We never do stop that prayer, and I’m guessing, never will. As a mom of a recently-turned-five-year-old myself, it is remarkable how fast five years goes, huh?
December 17th, 2009 at 11:27 pmbeautiful.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:09 amChris never stop writing. Loved it.
December 18th, 2009 at 12:12 amplease, just please… i know that prayer…every mother knows that prayer…
December 18th, 2009 at 12:39 amHappy Birthday, Miles! All the best people were born in December
(says she who is about to celebrate being a bit older than five in a couple of days).
December 18th, 2009 at 12:49 amI hope you got your wish–what’s the story behind the “extra” candles?
Weeping over the beauty of these words.
December 18th, 2009 at 3:18 amHappy Birthday you are so loved!
You truly have a gift!!! Thanks for sharing your story with us.
December 18th, 2009 at 7:40 amHi Chris,
December 18th, 2009 at 10:20 amHappy Birthday to the little one…5 is big! I just wanted to let you know after reading this and the last few posts together that its a relief to read about all those issues you go through and stay sane and raise such wonderful kids. I have two and sometimes I wonder if I should have stopped with one. So your energy and passion for raising your kids - I feed on those vicariously. Your common sense and wonder, those too. Your kindness and hard work, those too. You’re a blessing and your kids are very lucky to have you too.
I love the way the way the newborn Miles is giving the “okay” sign.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:26 amand so between my tears I wonder -
December 18th, 2009 at 10:32 am~have you had a ‘normal’ (meaning easy time of) delivery with any of your children?
~how many degrees do you have?
How did you manage to
(I wasn’t done)
~How many of your degrees are in creative writing?
December 18th, 2009 at 10:33 am~why aren’t you writing books?
~seriously?
What a beautiful story of you and Miles! Happy Birthday, Miles! December 17 is a special day. (I had my first baby on this day).
December 18th, 2009 at 10:41 amHappy birthday Miles! You are a lucky kid to grow up with so many awesome brothers and a sister to watch over you. And I CANNOT believe it’s been so long since I started reading your blog and you posted pictures of him in his baby xmas outfit! How does time fly by so quickly?
December 18th, 2009 at 10:55 amHappy Birthday to Miles! But wait, 5? Wasn’t he just 3? These kids (including mine) need to slow down.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:58 amBeautiful!
December 18th, 2009 at 11:06 amYou have an amazing way with words. I’m not sure a mother could read this and not get a lump in her throat or tears in her eyes. Thank you for reminding me that rather than feeling annoyed with my untidy house that I must clean, I should be singing and dancing like a lunatic whilst cleaning. Thanking the universe for my blessed life and my two healthy children.
December 18th, 2009 at 11:46 amOh. My. Gosh.
Beautiful Story, Beautiful Boy, Beautiful Mother… May you continue to be blessed.
Thank you for sharing, Happy Birthday Miles!
December 18th, 2009 at 1:38 pmAbsolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful story.
December 18th, 2009 at 2:22 pmThat couldn’t have been more beautiful.
December 18th, 2009 at 9:19 pmI’m glad I’m not the only one who was touched to tears by this post. You have a way with words and love, Chris.
December 19th, 2009 at 12:55 amYou are just killing me (in a great way - does that even make sense??)
The trips to triage for the doppler. Then the whoosh, whoosh, . . . pause . . . whoosh, whoosh . . . pause . . . whoosh, whoosh (repeat). Talk about incentive to push - it was only a few pushes within 9 minutes to get our little five+ pounder out.
It sure is nice to remember the gratefulness of that wish this time of year — especially when they are running around the house with bells on and completely whacked out on sugar! All the best to you and yours.
December 19th, 2009 at 1:02 amHappy 5th birthday, Miles!!!!!
::sniff:: Oh, I know this flip story well - it resonates within me. That was my first; the old soul whom I somehow already knew so well the minute he was on my chest and in my eyes…he’d been in my heart forever. Just beautiful, Chris — and a fitting cake for a most amazing Miles!
December 19th, 2009 at 4:25 amYou have mad writing skills! I can’t believe Miles is 5! Enjoy him and thank you for sharing your family with us.
December 19th, 2009 at 7:44 amBeautiful, thanks for making me cry!
December 19th, 2009 at 3:13 pmI am weepy too. Happy Birthday Miles!
December 19th, 2009 at 11:23 pmlove your posts… I never got to the end… my journey ended on the gurney in the weird room with no stuff in it… 3 times. I love to read about your little “don johnson” he is a hoot…. along with the others. You are a lucky girl. Thanks for sharing!
December 20th, 2009 at 11:54 amWauw. I almost cried.
December 20th, 2009 at 5:17 pmBeautiful story and a beautiful boy…
You made me cry. Again. Love you and your family - a source of entertainment, inspiration and a little drop of joy too!
December 21st, 2009 at 10:11 amthat was beautiful… I had chills reading it. Happy birthday Miles!!!
December 21st, 2009 at 10:22 amGeez woman!
I love these posts..(I love all of them but these are special to me)…but gosh darn I cry everytime I read one!
You are an inspired writer! All the best from Maine!
January 3rd, 2010 at 1:22 am