Lessons in Parenting
January 15, 2010
I bought this huge glass jar before Christmas. It is filled with those red and white plastic wrapped mint candies. I had it sitting out on the counter, looking pretty, when the kids came home from school.
Oooohhhh, candy!
That is a big jar of mints!
I love mints!
Can we eat them, Mom? Huh? Can we?
It was then that I had a vision. My candy jar emptied before the week was over. And with that, cellophane wrappers stuffed in between the couch cushions, in the washing machine, on the floor.
It is just a decoration.
What, Mom?
It is just a decoration. The candy is not real.
They get in really close to the glass jar for a closer look.
Wow, they look so real.
I know, it is amazing.
It is now January 15th and the jar is still filled to the top.
*****
The week before Christmas my eldest son had final exams. Because of his good grades, he was able to waive 3 of his final exams. He ended up with a day off of school that fell right before the day of his toughest class, Spanish.
Perfect, I thought, for having an entire day to devote to studying!
Perfect, he thought, for having an entire day to devote to sleeping, eating junk food, and watching tv.
Even though tv watching is forbidden on school days.*
He sat on the couch and literally DID NOTHING. Other than annoy me with his lazy attitude. Because time is a wastin’. Get cracking on that studying! Where is your study guide? Your vocabulary words written on notecards– color coded by parts of speech? Your textbook?
I had errands to run and I knew as soon as I left the house he would turn the tv on. I was a teenager once. So on my way out the door I turned the tv to the guide channel and then slipped the remote control into my purse.
Our tv can not be changed without the remote.
I said goodbye and Miles and I left. At one point Miles saw the remote control in my bag.
Mama, why is the remote in your purse?
Ummm, hahahaha, I do not know. I must have put it in there by mistake.
You are so silly, mama.
We arrive home several hours later and I can tell my son is annoyed. He can’t really tell me that he was trying to watch tv, since it was expressly forbidden, can he?
He was helping to put the groceries away when suddenly Miles pipes up.
Don’t forget to take the wemote out of your purse, Mama.
I looked at my teenage son. He looked at me, mouth agape. I began laughing.
You have just been busted by your 5 year old!
I continue to laugh uncontrollably.
I can’t believe you took the remote control with you. Do you know how long I spent looking for it?
Clutching my sides I manage to squeak out:
Weren’t you supposed to be studying? Why were you looking for the remote to turn the tv on?
Well, well…. I, uh, well… I wanted to check the weather.
At that point I had to sit down I was laughing so hard. Even he was laughing at the absurdity of it all.
*****
If you are having a frank discussion about sex and STDs with your teenagers, make sure to work the words “oozing warty penis” in as often as possible. Judging by the looks of abject horror on my sons’ faces, and the way they protectively clutched their business, it is better than any abstinence talk. Of course they may need years of therapy to recover.
*****
To sum up, good luck out there. This parenting thing makes us act CRAZY.
*For reasons unknown I have eased up on this since winter break. But I am about to put my foot back down because if I have one more kid “remember” a homework assignment and wave it in my face at 6am at the breakfast table AFTER TELLING ME THEY HAVE NO HOMEWORK, I might just explode.
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Oh my. The remote…speechless…you absolutely ROCK.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:15 pmYou are totally my hero! I love the remote control story.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:18 pmyou are an AWESOME mom.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:28 pmThis week my 8 year old son was grounded and lost Wii access for the week. Because he is not to be trusted, and because I don’t want to have the responsibility of having to dole out a second punishment because he broke the Wii rule, I just made it easy on the both of us and removed the power cord from the cabinet and slipped it in a show box under my bed.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:28 pmI can picture your eldest son’s aggitation over the missing remote because I’m sure it’s the same fidgeting unease I’ve been greeted with every morning this week that my kid has snuck out of bed early hunting around trying to find that missing power cord. LOL!!
I have always wanted a “no TV on school days” policy, but I cannot get my *husband* to buy into it … he simply can’t imagine not turning on the TV to watch The Simpsons or World Series of Poker or whatever as soon as he gets home - in the Family Room, next to the Kitchen, where all of the kids are trying to do their homework.
January 15th, 2010 at 4:31 pmI love this, it is so fantastic!
January 15th, 2010 at 4:37 pmLOL! Great stories!
January 15th, 2010 at 4:43 pmhttp://jessicavitalis.com (Stop Pinching Your Sister!)
stil…laughining…..oh my……remote…warty penis…..oh my……I love having boys…..
January 15th, 2010 at 4:50 pmDying. Laughing.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:08 pmBut have you checked to see whether it’s actual candy still inside the wrappers, or have you been outwitted by someone replacing it with chewed gum?
And make the most of your power - when you have university-age children still at home, still watching TV when you know they should be studying, there’s very little you can do. Because they have the money to buy their own TVs.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:10 pm“oozing warty penis” is my new favorite phrase. Priceless.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:19 pmLOL! I’ve also carried the remote control around in my purse for the same reason. But, then I found a hiding spot in the house that my teenage sons wouldn’t consider checking - a box of tampons.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:47 pmDear Chris, love the oozing warty penis comment. I’m a high school librarian, and we make the wellness students do reports on STD’s. The filter blocks out so many websites, as you would expect….youtube, myspace, anything with naked people in it. So imagine my surprise when my students typed genital warts pictures into google, and were able to get them. OMG. The teacher wanted them to put them in their presentations, so, um, yes, there were lots of pictures of warty penises in their powerpoint presentations. They were pretty grossed out. But, alas, I’m at an inner city school, and 20% of the girls still get pregnant. Still, they were grossed out.
January 15th, 2010 at 5:56 pmSpontaneous combustion is pretty much the only way to deal with that. This is the conversation in my house, my daughter just turned 15 and is a freshman.
“Shannon, do you have any homework?”
“No.”
Two hours later:”Shannon, do you have any homework?
“I already told you, no!”
Later - “Shannon, are you positive you don’t have any homework?”
“Yes! I’m sure! God! Leave me alone!”
10pm, after an evening of TV watching and internet, I swear she’s doing something that looks like homework.
“Um, I thought you said you didn’t have any homework. I asked you like three times.”
“Mom, I just FORGOT about it. Geez!”
Like that’s a perfect excuse. Does anyone else have a child that refuses to write down his or her assignments? It’s maddening, I tell you. Makes your head want to explode.
January 15th, 2010 at 6:08 pmI only have four years left until my oldest becomes a teen. Actually I am fairly sure they will all become teenagers at the same time.
January 15th, 2010 at 6:15 pmSo keep talking I am taking notes.
(Oh and my kids would have tested the candy just to be sure)
Love the idea of taking the remote.
My 10 year old has spent the day sitting around doing nothing. I have spent the day resisting the urge to cuff him upside the head and instead have been giving him annoying chores to do whenever I look over and see him staring dumbly at the ceiling.
January 15th, 2010 at 6:18 pmHilarious! My mom used to put post-it notes on the TV screen that said NO TV. I was terrified she would find out somehow if I disobeyed. Taking the remote is so much better though, I’m going to file this story away for future use with my kids!
January 15th, 2010 at 6:47 pmI love the idea of hiding the remote but at my age I may forget all together where it is!
January 15th, 2010 at 7:04 pmFunny. We take the router when both hubby and I leave at an “internet restricted” time, because like you, we’re not stupid!
January 15th, 2010 at 7:14 pmI’m tired off the big huge make a scale model of the globe theatre and describe the area with historical correctness projects.
January 15th, 2010 at 7:15 pmWe are hoping to get pregnant soon and I hope it’s a boy so that I can use “oozing, warty penis”! So funny!
January 15th, 2010 at 7:21 pm“Oozing warty penis”! I have 3 boys who are way to young now for that, but I’m totally filing that away in my memory bank for future reference! If that doesn’t scare them away from pre-maritial sex nothing will!
January 15th, 2010 at 7:46 pmHow did eldest son do on the Spanish exam?
Chris says: He did not do as well as he could have. You know IF HE HAD STUDIED. He finished the semester with all A’s so I shouldn’t complain. Except that they could have been HIGHER A’s. Argh.
January 15th, 2010 at 8:00 pmHilarious story about the “missing” remote. Gotta love Miles’ innocence in the whole deal. Thanks for some good laughs today, Chris.
January 15th, 2010 at 8:10 pmI have totally done the same thing….even to my husband!
I have also resorted to hiding the mouse for the computer. Altho I couldn’t remember where I put it so I had to sheepishly ask a guy in our IT dept at work if I could borrow one…when I told him I took it away from the kids so they would stay off the computer and couldn’t remember where I put it he just laughed and told me that at his previous job one of his co workers actually would bring the power cord to work with her so her kids couldn’t use the computer!
January 15th, 2010 at 8:31 pmThank you, thank you, thank you! It was just what I needed after a long day - including one heck of a fight with a 9 year old. The “oozing warty penis” almost made me spit out my drink, now what do I tell girls though?
Chris says: Uh, if they want an oozing warty penis near them?
January 15th, 2010 at 8:51 pmScary how much this reminds me of our house. Truly scary. Although not just the remote, but the Xbox as well….yeah, Mom took it to uhhhh get cleaned?!
January 15th, 2010 at 9:08 pmMy favorite is to take the power cord to the xbox with me. Ooops, guess you won’t use that, will you?
Also, oozing warty penis. Not sure how I had sex talks without that phrase but I will correct it immediately!
January 15th, 2010 at 9:17 pmThis gave great joy to me and my husband. There’s nothing quite like a good laugh at a teenager who is indignant about being caught, it’s a beautiful thing!
January 15th, 2010 at 9:29 pmOMG, I just read that out loud to my teens and told them I’m going to be using that phrase a lot during the next few years. We haven’t laughed so hard in weeks! Also, I think I got them really thinking and I bet they’ll be google searching after I go to bed, lol. Good.
Thanks!
January 15th, 2010 at 9:34 pmThis cracked me up. You have some great tricks! And you know, despite your last post, I don’t think you’re lacking for adventures now at all. You’ll look back on these teenage years and laugh too.
January 15th, 2010 at 9:38 pmI’ve decided to drink through my daughters teenage years. I can’t take it!
January 15th, 2010 at 9:45 pmI have “accidentally” lost the remote a few times too, during exam times. Once I actually put the TV remote on the phone charger and left the portable phone on the coffee table. No wine involved in that faux pas, no sirree!!
Parenting is hard work, but the belly laughs at times like that make the hard times a bit more bearable.
Now that they are all grown up and flown the coop, I kinda miss those times. *sniff*
January 15th, 2010 at 9:56 pmYour funny most definitely did NOT go away as your toddlers grew. Oh my Lord, I am dying over here, and I am going to have to remember that STD talk for when my boys are older. Completely awesome.
January 15th, 2010 at 10:35 pmPerfect!
My #6 kid is the biggest offender about ‘Magic Homework’ which is not there at all until either 3 hours after bedtime or 5 minutes before he needs to leave for the bus.
It is driving me batty !
Karen
January 15th, 2010 at 10:36 pm“Oozing warty penis” is now one of my favorite catch-phrases. I just have to figure out how to work it into a conversation.
January 15th, 2010 at 10:48 pmYou rock, plain and simple.
I love ALL of this, except that my 9 y/o dd would use it to assist her current favorite defense when telling a fib: “But mom, EVERYbody lies SOMEtimes, no one tells the truth 100% of the time!” I have my work cut out for me….
January 16th, 2010 at 12:06 amSheeeee’s baaaaaack!!!
January 16th, 2010 at 12:17 amI’m going to remember the warty penis thing when I talk to my boys about STDs and sex. Thanks for the tip.
January 16th, 2010 at 1:53 amOMG you are an AWESOME mom!
The jar full of red and white candies… well they work for Valentines’ day too, so you can enjoy pulling a fast one over your kids even longer!
And I LOVE the remote story. It totally speaks to what teenagers can be like.
January 16th, 2010 at 3:40 amMy kids would absolutely have checked the candy - but very nice win for you! And what would we do without Miles?! Gotta love him
January 16th, 2010 at 4:40 amSuch a good post. Loved the remote gag. Unfortunately my kids know very well how to operate our stuff without the remote.
January 16th, 2010 at 7:21 am‘wemote’… a true classic!
Love the post by the way. You’ve brought back the funny stuff into this post. You really did bring back the humour!
January 16th, 2010 at 8:54 amBWAHAHAHAHA! Cannot. stop. laughing.
Will try to remember that “oozing warty penis” is for conversations with teens and not dates.
Chris says: yeah, I am not sure it would go over that well with dates…
January 16th, 2010 at 9:29 amI laughed so hard while reading this. Boy has having 7 kids made you very smart with all the tricks you have learned. I guess having only one kid has not made me as wise to all the tricks. I am SO using the “oozing warty penis” with my 15 yr. old though:)
January 16th, 2010 at 1:50 pmI’m filing away the oozing warty penis for future convo’s too! You are hilarious. Thanks for the laughs,
January 16th, 2010 at 3:03 pmthis is the most awesome parenting advice I’ve read in years!
thnk you!
I’ll use the remote trick for sure, and apply it to the computer mouse, and the Wii remotes… geez, I’m going to need a bigger purse to go run errands without the kids!
January 16th, 2010 at 4:22 pmYou are my hero. Love the remote story!
January 16th, 2010 at 5:59 pmFantastic! Made me actually LOL, I will be sure to add the “Oozing warty penis” part in future talks with my offspring! I also like the idea of taking the remote with you, something else I might do when my children are older as well!
January 16th, 2010 at 6:01 pmAbsolute genius on all counts. Those of us with the teenage boys, well, I think we have been there. Not only do I keep the remote in my purse or the glove compartment of my car or any other sort of strange place where it cannot be found, I also take the remote controls of the PS3 and take them with me too (my purse is very heavy!). The best part is that they cannot complain because hey, they were supposed to be studying!
January 16th, 2010 at 7:07 pmOur school district has some online gradebook thing. Supposedly it’s so students and parents can keep an eye on grades and upcoming assignments, however the username and password for each kid’s account is only given to parents- so it’s not “really” for the kids then is it. I am also responsible for signing my 6th grade daughter’s planner weekly- I guess that’s some sort of acknowledgment that I checked her work was done. Pfft…sure.
I make every effort NOT to get into the online gradebook thing or actually view the planner when I sign it. It will just lead into battles over time management and responsibility, much like you experienced. And what kind of message is that sending the kids- ‘it’s ok, you don’t need to take responsibility for your work because we’ll make sure mommy and daddy do’. I like the way you handled it. You removed the distractions- what he chose to do with the time was on him. Kudos.
January 16th, 2010 at 9:07 pmI’m going to have to remember that remote control trick when my girls get older.
January 16th, 2010 at 9:43 pmWe never have Magic Homework. No siree. They are up sometimes until 11 getting it done. Then they smile and wave and hop on their bikes in the morning, forgetting it because it is IN THEIR CUBBIE AT HOME - the one with their names on it and a neon sign that points to it and says HERE IS YOUR HOMEWORK. And this 6th grade teacher does not accept “homework Mom drops off.” Are all 12 y/o’s this brain dead?
January 16th, 2010 at 9:58 pmThis is all fantastic!! Thanks for the laugh today. And the excellent advice.
January 16th, 2010 at 11:34 pmHilarious. Now I now what I have to look forward to, I mean dread: sex conversations and hiding homework. I’m still at the “How come the dragon [from Shrek] is wearing lipstick?” stage.
January 16th, 2010 at 11:47 pmOh - you are my new FAVORITE blogger! I found you through something you wrote on another site and glad I followed the story over here.
I have just the place to use that “warty-you-know-what” phrase. My oldest son, 15, now has a girlfriend. I, his mother, am completely unprepared. I swear, yesterday, he was just 6 years old.
He was the last of his group of friends to “get” a girlfriend and I was kind of hoping he would stay girlfriend-less for awhile (is that wrong of me?). I’ve already had the “if-you-do-anything-stupid-i-will-hurt-you” talk but, frankly, that wasn’t specific enough. At his age, I have a feeling there’s a lot of stupid coming his way and all I really want is for him not to get a “warty-you-know-what”, not to mention all the other heavy consequences.
Thanks for making me smile.
January 17th, 2010 at 2:24 amAnd you thought you had nothing funny to write about now that you no longer have toddlers.
January 17th, 2010 at 7:15 amWhen we got our new tv, I kept the old remote. Guess which one sits out most of the time. I also have a big bag I carry with me, that she thinks I have “work” stuff in, but in reality it has the batteries to the wireless mouse, the actual remote and the power cord to the game thing. I have also often taken the phone with me, when the boy crazy phase sits in. She now knows that I can see every call on her cell phone on the internet, and she thinks I can read her text on there as well! It helps to have a phone number one digit off from hers I often get her text on mistake! Until she figures the truth out………I am playing dirty.
January 17th, 2010 at 1:18 pmLeave it to a five year old to rat a lady out. The funny part is he probably spent the whole time you were out looking for the remote instead of studying. But at least he wasn’t watching TV.
January 17th, 2010 at 10:10 pmI’m taking notes Chris!
January 18th, 2010 at 8:51 amRead this to my husband and he suggeted “Next time she should leave it on the Spanish Channel.”
we regularly unplug the internet (and they need a wireless key o get back in that we are absolutely not sharing…) and yes we have magic homework - although a couple of incidents recently might mean this mostly disappears.
i have no boys to use the oozing warty penis on, although asking if they’d like to be approached by one might gross them out a little. they’re a bit smart though and might just point out they could check so i might turn it into oozing warty cervix that they can’t see so won’t know about until they pass on the oozing wartiness to their boyfriends and then he’ll know and so on and so forth….
check they haven’t stuffed the centre of the jar with tissue paper - i used to eat the ‘back’ of easter eggs, usually my brothers always discovered on easter morning but hey i’d had half of each of my brothers eggs so i didn’t care!
January 18th, 2010 at 10:08 amThis was one of my fave posts - and to think you accused yourself of losing the funny when you “lost” the little kids! BWAH!
January 18th, 2010 at 5:05 pmOh this was funny while being a little too realistic. I have b/g twins, same grade, different classes. They have a lot of the same teachers. The girl is swamped with homework, piles of it that she methodically works her way through. The boy is casual, playing video games, roller blading, swearing to me he already studied for the math test. It only took him 5 minutes to study. Sigh. Their grades reflect this.
January 18th, 2010 at 6:05 pmI’ve been known to hide things, remotes, often in my purse..at 5 and 9 they know I don’t carry a purse often but they never think to check there either…the box of Tampons might be next
January 18th, 2010 at 9:21 pmBrilliant. My Father-in-law used a similar tactic on my husband in his teen years by actually showing him photos of oozy warty penis’s and other types of STD’s.
Needless to say this affected him so much that even in his mid-20’s when we met he insited that we both go get tested before we ever came close to having sexual relations, lol.
January 19th, 2010 at 4:43 pmYou are so SERIOUSLY my hero.
I have a 3 year old and a newborn. My daughter is having trouble adjusting to life with baby brother. Let’s just say the tantrums and diarrhea and whining are about to drive me to drink. Normally not a problem, this might be a problem as I am nursing. SO thank you for the laughter and perspective, neither of which I have been able to find for sale anywhere.
January 19th, 2010 at 10:32 pmI am so going to remember the remote trick! That is awesome - and I’m w/you on the 6am homework meltdown…
January 20th, 2010 at 9:30 amCatching up on some blog reading today and I just LOVE this post. I haven’t had to take the remote, but we HAVE taken the handset off the telephone! Who knew parenting would come to this?
January 27th, 2010 at 12:22 pm