Just When I Think I Have Seen It All…
February 3, 2010
Yesterday my 10yr old son got a birthday party invitation in the mail. From a girl. That is somewhat odd for this age group, all things they do seem to be gender specific for a few years– you know those years when you can’t have a girl as a friend because then everyone will say it is your girlfriend, but she isn’t your girlfriend. And you don’t like girls anyway. Because ewwwwww cooties. Furthermore if you did like a girl you would show it by a)completely ignoring her, and b) being kind of rude to her.
Anyway, my son gets the invitation in the mail and asks if he can attend the party. I take a closer look at the party notice the time. 4pm - 10am. Awwww, she wrote am by mistake. Hahahaha.
Um, wait a minute. It says feb 20-21. Could it be? Nooooo. Yes? What?
Hey, is this party a sleepover party?
I don’t know. That would be weird.
Well, look at the date and the time…
I don’t know.
[Girly name] is a girl or a boy?
Moooooom, that is a girl name. OBVIOUSLY.
Nothing seems obvious right now.
She knows you are a boy? Right?
WHAT? Of course she knows I am a boy. Don’t I look like a boy?
Yes, you do. But I am just confused. Maybe the girls are sleeping over and the boys are going home earlier and you got the wrong invitation by mistake?
And honestly I was confused. In what world is a boy-girl sleepover party a good idea?
So I called to RSVP.
Hi. This is Chris. I am calling to RSVP about the party… Uh, is it a sleepover party?
Yes, it is.
A CO-ED sleepover party?
The mother started laughing uncontrollably. Which is turn made me laugh.
I am glad you are laughing, because I thought something had to be wrong… I asked my son if maybe you thought he was a girl.
The boys are going to sleep in a different room.
More laughing. I am begining to think she is high, because the laughter and the co-ed sleepover party?
Well, my son can attend the party, but I will be picking him up at night.
We didn’t want the boys to feel left out.
More laughter.
Yeah. This just isn’t a precedent I want to start. I have teenage boys who will want to know why they can’t sleepover their girlfriends’ houses.
I was worried that my son was going to be mad, but he actually thought that it was weird too. And so far everyone I have mentioned it to thinks that a co-ed sleepover party is a bad idea.
What do you all think? Would you allow your son to sleepover at a co-ed birthday party? What about your daughter? What if you dropped your daughter off to this party and then found out the next day that boys had spent the night also, would you be mad?
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My daughter goes to an all girls school so a co-ed sleepover; I think not!! LOL! Even if she did go to a co-ed school, I would think it’s weird and certainly not allow it.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:43 amBTW, I send her to that school not to keep her away from boys, but because it’s a great school, just to clarify.
Uh. Hell no.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 amI’m with you on this one! Sorry; bad precedent setting for that mom.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 amWould I let my son sleep over at a girl’s house? No. Capital NO. I find it completely ridiculous. And I think that mom is off her flipping rocker. Trying to play the Cool Mom is going to come back and bite her in the ass. HARD.
I would let my daughter go to a sleepover with other girls, sure. Especially if I know the girl and/or her family. Someone I haven’t met, I am a little iffy on.
AND IF I found out there had been boys at that sleepover, I would have been absolutely LIVID. Seriously.
Quite frankly, I would be leery of having my child go to that party at all. She kind of sounds like the sort of mom that would just be letting the kids do whatever, tra la la, as long as they’re happy. ICK!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 amno i would NOT allow my son or my daughter to sleep over at a co-ed birthday party and if i dropped my daughter off and found out later that boys slept over, i would be furious. sorry, but that mom is buying herself a LOT of future trouble!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 amAll I can say is (puts on my best Whitney Houston voice)…”Hell to the no!”
My 7-year-old daughter would love to have a sleepover birthday party this summer. And at one point she mentioned inviting boys, too. I told her that her sleepover would just be for girls only.
I can’t imagine this mom is willing to open this door. I mean it’s going to be tough enough during the teen years!
Yeah we’ll see who’s laughing in a few years. I think she WAS high.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 amI am 100% with you and your son. Kids get into enough mischief at sleepovers as it is, why would you want to add to it?
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 amNot in a million years!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:49 amNot happening in my world. Just plain nuts.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:50 amNo!! I would not allow my boys to sleep over and if I was the mom of a girl, I would be furious!! I would hope those girl moms would find out before and hopefully they have more sense than laughing mom!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:51 amI have never heard of such a thing. My daughters have attended birthday parties that were co-ed, where the boys went home at 9 or 10pm and the girls slept over. The boys sleeping over? No way. If my daughter went to this party and I found out the boys had spent the night? Yes, I would be livid.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:51 amNo, I would not let my 10 year old son (or daughter) sleep over at a Co-Ed sleepover! Yes, I would be upset if I let my 10 daughter sleep over found out later that boys had slept over too. Even with them sleeping in separate rooms that’s just out of my comfort zone.
What about you Chris? Would you be mad if your daughter went to a sleep over and you found out later it was Co-Ed?
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:53 amMy daughter who is 16 going on 25 asked to sleep over on NY’s eve at a co-ed party. She has asked before and we always said no. This apparently was a big deal and EVERYONE was going. I called the mom and she actually said, “we won’t be here but at a party down the street, we will be home around 4a.m.”. Umm what wait? She further stated “I informed my son that we will not be responsible for any drinking or anything else”. Umm, what? I was shocked. My daughter who is either very good (NHS student athlete) or really smart or we are usually drunk on the weekends, I don’t know take your pick, as never given us reason not to trust her. She begged and begged, cried and told us everyone else was LYING to their parents about the party and she was telling us the truth!!
With much trepidation we let her go, I texted her about 15 times that evening until my husband made me go to bed at 4:30 and I spoke to her before I went to bed. Picked her up the next morning, she looked fine (I looked worse) and reported that some kids were drinking (she did not). Umm..yea, but it was with a heavy heart Chris to allow her to go. I really don’t think I would ever host such a party but I also swore I wouldn’t allow my kids to sleep with me as babies and yea they did sooooooo….I now try to keep my big mouth shut! At 10, she would not have been allowed. K, I’m done.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:54 amMy kids don’t sleep over at anyone’s house. Period. They have “late nights” and I pick them up at a later hour than they are usually able to stay out, so they still get to participate in most of the fun. Too many crazy things happen at sleepover, most of them not good. If I have a blanket rule, then there is no question of why it would be okay to spend the night at one friends house and not another’s (such as not knowing the family well enough, or knowing too much about a family to be comfortable with our child there all night). I would watch out for this co-ed sleep over mom - she may have good intentions, but I wonder if she has thought this through!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:55 amI think that a co-ed sleepover is pretty odd. Scratch that, really odd. I had one co-ed sleepover in high school- a group of us was going skiing and leaving at 5 am so we all slept at one of the guy’s houses, in separate rooms, with parents in between the rooms. It really wasn’t so much of a sleepover as a logistical manuvering and trust me, the parents were hyper-vigilant about it all. But at 10? For a birthday? That is just weird. And inappropriate.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:56 amWow. I can’t believe it. “We didn’t want he boys to feel left out.” ?!?!?
I would not allow my 10 year old son (which I do have) to do a co-ed sleepover. Nor my daughters.
If I sent my girl, thinking it was a regular sleepover, then found out boys were there the whole night, I would be very mad. I think something that unusual (or crazy, or weird) should definately be made know to the parents, so they can make an informed decision.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:56 amI honestly don’t know what to say… except that I agree with you. I’m *already* sweating (unsupervised-by-me) playdates for my 5-year-old, and refuse to even consider sleepovers. It’s occurring to me that I will have to call and see if sleepovers are co-ed?!?!?!?! The mind, it BOGGLES, as if to say “WTF?!” whipped together with “OH HELL NO!” and coated with a heavy slathering of “ARE YOU NUTS????”, just for good measure… and all of that from a good Southern, Christian girl who only curses when it’s REALLY warranted.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:57 amUNREAL!!! I would never host such an event for my daughter, and I certainly would not let her stay for the sleepover part of the party. What happens when her daughter becomes a teenager and co-ed sleepovers is what she has become accustomed to? This parent is asking for T-R-O-U-B-L-E!!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:58 amYes, I definitely know that out here in California this is done occasionally, but we never let our kids participate in it. First of all, as you point out, it is just a bad idea and second of all, I despise sleepovers in general (my sister calls them awakeovers). We never allowed sleepovers of the opposite sex ever. Just NO. We did exactly as you are doing: the kids could attend the party and then we picked them up at a reasonable hour (11 or so)…
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:00 pmTotally weird. Could only lead to trouble (which at this age, I’m assuming would be more along the lines of the boys teasing girls or more likely, the girls being to huggy and demanding with the boys.). Ugh. And seriously? Would need more than one adult in the house and awake though the night. Um, no.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:00 pm“I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don’t be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I’m not like a *regular* mom, I’m a *cool* mom.”
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:04 pmHell no and hell yes
hell no to a co-ed sleep-over and hell yes i would be mad if i found out after the fact.
I know we are not suppose to judge others and i try not to but i would not be comfortable with this sleepover for my daughter or son.
my daughter received a party invite last spring when she and all her friends were 11 turning 12. The invite was for a movie and a sleepover. The parents of the birhdsy girl were dropping twelve 11 & 12 year olds off at our local movie house on a friday night(chris you know where we live and where this movie house is)and then picking them up to return to their home for pizza cake and a sleep over. I asked my daughter if the parents were staying at the movies. NO mom we are old enough to stay without an adult. Alot of the other girls have been doing this for a couple of months and their moms let them. So i told daughter you can go to movies and i will stay but be in back ground or you can skip movie and i will drop you off at their home and you can stay for pizza and sleepover. she was besides herself. but i told her that was how it had to be. when i called the mother to rsvp she was shocked that i had this point of view and she and a few other parents tried to sway me to allow her to go. I told them and her that i felt strongly that they were to young to be left on a friday night at the local movies. she ended up shedding lots of tears and then going to said movie with me stalking in the background. she had a great time and i knew she was safe the end.
so yes i feel you made the right choice in allowing him to go but not sleep over. parenthood who would have known we would have all this drama..
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:06 pm18 kinds of no.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:10 pmMy boys will not be attending any co-ed sleepovers.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:13 pmHonestly? Over my dead body. That’s just me. (But really? Really? I think you are asking for all kinds of trouble…)
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:15 pmI’m right there with you. Totally strange.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:17 pmUmm, let me think. Uh, NO. Not a chance. Really, some times there are things you just miss out on in life. I’m right with you having your 10-y-o not spend the night. I wonder if the invited girls’ parents know there will be boys spending the night.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:18 pm>>>What do you all think? Would you allow your son to sleepover at a co-ed birthday party? What about your daughter? What if you dropped your daughter off to this party and then found out the next day that boys had spent the night also, would you be mad?>>>
1. That the mom is obviously way more free-spirited than I am.
2. Hell, no.
3. Hell to the double NO.
4. Beyond mad … Furious at the parents for not telling me, and furious at my daughter for not calling me to tell me.
My kids have gone to many co-ed parties where the “opposite” sex goes home before the sleepover, which I think is fine. But like you, I feel this is the first step down a very slippery slope, and the answer in our house would be a resounding NO.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:18 pmThank God my children aren’t old enough for this yet. (Boy is 4, girl is 10mths). I can’t imagine that I would want them sleeping over at a co-ed sleepover but I guess I also feel like I should trust them and the parents of the party. I would definitely want to know ahead of time that it was co-ed. I think your solution seems perfect.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:21 pmThey didn’t want the boys to feel left out? Then why on earth did they decide a sleepover party was in order? When my kids were young, these things didn’t come up. There was either a sleepover party OR a co-ed party. I’m with you, Chris. Let your kid go for the afternoon/evening and the other parents try to figure out where they’ve screwed up.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:21 pmOh, yes, I would be sooooo mad. Co-ed parties are one thing, but sleepovers? If it were my son I would be upset, but if it were my daughter I would be irate. Even at the young age of ten, it is completely inappropriate. I have known boys that age (or younger) to be perverts and I wouldn’t trust them not to sneak to the girls room for nefarious reasons.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:22 pmUm if my daughter (although I have no daughters…) went to an innocent sleepover and I found out later that there were boys I’d be over the moon mad! That’s crazy! 10 years olds know way too much about anatomy to be left to their own devices all night…just my opinion!
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:24 pmMy sons won’t be doing any sleep over parties unless they are all male. If I had daughters it would be the same. There is just something wrong with the whole idea.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:26 pmI remember in grade five (10 years old)a trend started of having co-ed sleepovers. I was able to go to one because my grandmother was babysitting us, and didn’t know any better. When the next one came around my mother said no-way, no-how. I could go to the party, but she picked me up that evening.
In retrospect, my grown-up self realizes that the families of kids who held these parties were a little…strange.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:26 pmI wouldn’t let my sons, no matter what age, sleep over at a co-ed party. That mom must be high. “Separate rooms” indeed. What, is an adult going to be sleeping on the threshold to keep them separate? I had a friend who went to a college with “co ed dorms” and to soothe parents, the college had the girls in one side of the building, the guys in another, with doors that supposedly locked at midnight. And of COURSE there wouldn’t be any guys or girls on the “wrong” side of the building before the doors locked, and of COURSE students would never jimmy the doors so they wouldn’t lock, ho ho! What an idea!
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:28 pmI can’t even digest this. Unbelievable. NO WAY do I find this acceptable and NO WAY IN HELL would I let one of my kids attend. Is this what I have to look forward to?!? I would be especially upset if my daughter attended and I didn’t know about the boys. Ummmmm…. lucky you have a boy that was invited and you called. I mean, if your daughter had been invited, you wouldn’t have called, except to RSVP, right? You’d never have known. Am I going to have to ask at every sleep over invite if it’s co-ed????
Chris says: Well, I am certainly going to be asking if they are co-ed from now on!
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:30 pmUm, this is weird and it is even more unsettling that the mother was laughing and said “we didn’t want the boys to feel left out”. It is inappropriate, to say the least.
My 7.5 yr old daughter asked to spend the night at her friend’s house. Her friend is a boy and while I don’t think they fully understand the implications I said, NO. When she asked why, I simply said because boys and girls don’t sleep over at each other’s home until they are married. Then I ran away before she could asked if she could marry her friend.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:30 pmI think that it depends on the relationship that I have with the party-girl’s parents. If we were really close friends, I’d be more inclined to allow it. If I didn’t know them at all, probably not. My oldest is 8 and we’ve had a couple co-ed sleepovers of the 7-8 and 5-6 year olds, but I think they’re young enough for that and don’t see anything more to it.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:32 pmWhoo boy, that’s weird. I’m the mama of many girls, would be FURIOUS if I found out ex-post-facto that boys were sleeping over, too. I think my husband’s head would probably explode. It’s a bad idea.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:34 pmAllrighty then.
Is Mommy dearest planning on SLEEPING at all that night?
No matter what the gender my children would not be spending the night. These will be the same parents that will buy liquor for a 15 year old’s party and say “well we all know they will drink so we thought we’d supervise it.”
Sometimes I wonder if people think?
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:34 pmWhen I see and hear about things like this happening I realize the gap between what some parents find inappropriate and what others deem as completely acceptable is growing wider. It makes me sad.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:35 pmOh, and those co-ed sleepovers of the 7-8 and 5-6 year olds were my two boys and friend’s two girls, not loads of kids! Loads of kids, most likely not, and especially not as they get older.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:39 pmI wonder how many parents will say yes?
Isn’t the point of a sleepover that the boys are left out?!
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:39 pmum….no…way….ever…
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:50 pmBIZARRE!!
Wow–so glad you called and so glad to read that your reaction was exactly like mine would have been. A big fat NO! No co-ed sleeping over until marriage, right?
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:51 pmI will just say “ditto everything Kristie wrote”. Times 3. I have three 12 y/o’s and none of that will be happening on my watch!
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:52 pmHELL NO to the co-ed sleepover. We actually have been invited to one and my daughter didn’t want to go because she knew boys had been invited. (Ewww, cooties.)
Also, if you are 10-ish, and have a girlfriend, you ignore her, are a little mean to her, but you change your Facebook status to “in a relationship”… and then hope that your mother doesn’t detach a retina from the eyerolling.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:52 pmI would be FURIOUS. RIDICULOUSLY FURIOUS if my kid came home from a slumber party to tell me that it was co-ed. And completely baffled.
The worst part is this poor mother thinks she can actually supervise appropriately. There’s no way she’ll be up all night making certain that nothing inappropriate happens.
Nothing good ever came from slumber parties. I had WAY too many experiences as a kid to think that this could ever be a good idea, ever.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:53 pmUmmmm, NEVER would I think this is a good idea. I have a 10 yr old boy and this would not fly with me or dh. Also, I don’t think my 10 yr old would be interested. And if I was a parent of a 10 yr old girl and found out boys had stayed the night…. I’d be mad for sure. I just don’t think it’s appropriate at all.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:56 pmI think you made a great compromise, Chris!
My kids are 15 months apart in age. At times we do have boys and girls sleeping over but the girls are in the girl room and boys sleep in the living room because we have two sets of friends both with the same age dynamic and boy/girl dynamic as our family. So far they are not at an age that it has been a problem but I have already thought of issues for the future. I would never call it a coed sleepover and have them partying together, etc. I think it is weird and I would be furious if I dropped my girl off and found out boys had been there without my knowledge.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:59 pmNot in this life…especially because its, like, really obvious that this girl’s mom is smoking crack. Or something.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:59 pmMy friend’s son is 9, and very, shall we say, unique. He loves fashion and accessories, music and musicals, and acting. So, naturally, all of his friends are girls. He is regularly the only boy invited to slumber parties, and my friend just quietly checks with the other moms to make sure they are cool with him being there. The answer so far has always been yes, since the moms love this kid just as much as their daughters do.
But this does not seem even remotely the same, so I completely agree with you. I don’t think most boys in general would feel left out of a slumber party.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:59 pmYES! This idea is FANtastic!! My daughter turns 9 next week and I’m totally going to give her a coed sleepover party!! Maybe if I do, I can be a grandma in a few years!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:01 pmFor my daughter’s 9th birthday, we had an afternoon of skating with her best friend, who is a boy, and then a sleepover for her girlfriends. We’ve known this boy since at least kindergarten, they’ve been best friends ever since, and I love his parents, but hell no.
one of her friend did have a coed party this year, and the boys left before the sleepover began. I’m glad that mom thinks like me.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:06 pmNo way…boy or girl at a co-ed party. I would let them go but pick them up at night
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:11 pmMary Jesus and Joseph….NO! Double hell-no. Lord have mercy! It was a NON co-ed sleepover that led me to my first “serious” HS boyfriend (he was the brother of my bestie). For this reason my kids will NEVER sleep over ANYWHERE…I know that will bite me in the ass later b/c it will happen but for right now I’m saying never LOL!
What the heck is WRONG with this mom? As PW would say, “lawsie mercy!”
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:13 pmOn another after thought. Chris, what is your take (or most peoples) for sleepovers (of the same gender of course).
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:14 pmMy daughter is turing 9 and I just am not sure how I feel about sleepovers at people’s home’s I do not know VERY well (the mom and dad). Thoughts?
I think that it would always be a bad idea. I’d be frustrated.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:16 pmHmm, maybe I’m a weird one here, or just naive, and maybe it’s only because I don’t have older children (my only kid is almost 2) but… I just might allow this. It would still strike me as odd, but I won’t say I would rule it out categorically. If I knew the parents and the other kids well, and I trusted my own kid. I would definitely use it as a teaching opportunity… I feel like my own parents/religion spent a bit too much emphasis on keeping the genders separate and not enough on not doing bad things when the genders are together.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:19 pmI find this idea as weird as everyone else, but it’s also brought up some questions for me, too. For everyone who wouldn’t allow this in a million years (pretty much everyone so far), what is your policy when there are siblings of the opposite sex in the prospective sleepover home?
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:21 pmI think that no matter what age they are, if they’re in the same house overnight, they’ll find a way to get to each other’s rooms. I am really shocked that this is “the new thing”! I wouldn’t allow my boys to go to a co-ed sleepover — although now they are 7, 5 and 22 months, so it’s not an issue YET. I will say that we have a babysitter who keeps our kids overnight when we go out of town, and she’s an adult with a 10-year-old daughter. She lets our boys sleep in her daughter’s room on trundle beds and on the floor in sleeping bags, and I honestly hadn’t thought anything of it until now. Granted, this isn’t a bunch of kids from families I don’t know, and I feel very comfortable with this woman’s judgment (she is a good friend). However, as her daughter and my sons grow older, they’ll need to sleep separately for sure. Hmmm. Probably starting this year!
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:26 pmN-U-T-S. Are they crazy? Of COURSE the boys should feel left out. It’s a sleepover. Duh.
Honestly, you did a fine, fine job recounting this story. My blood pressure is so high just reading your post that I’m not sure I could have been as fair and even-handed. No, I’m sure. I couldn’t have been. Hats off to you and your high road.
Did I mention how I really feel? Crazy. They are Crazy!
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:26 pmUNBELIEVABLE. I’m still shocked by my 7 year old daughter’s (girl)classmate inviting her for a birthday sleepover when I have never laid eyes on the parents of this girl. Oh, sure, take my beautiful little girl, Complete And Total Strangers. RIGHT.
I am also still reeling/FUUUUMING over the fact that my 6 year old was LEFT ALONE at a birthday party jumpy place because the party ended early and I had yet to arrive ON TIME to pick her up (and yes, they had my cell number which they did not call).
Why are WE the crazy ones in this scenario?!
HELL IN A HANDBASKET I tell you. Seriously. Why should you have to confirm if it is or isn’t a co-ed sleepover (?!!!?!) and why should I have to inquire if a parent believes it is or is not acceptable to abandon children? UN.BELIEVABLE.
Sitting here with a blown mind. Can’t stop repeating. UNBELIEVABLE. How is it possible people think this stuff is ok?! (UNBELIEVABLE.) I will now shut up. Except in my head.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:29 pmI would not let my boys go to a coed sleepover at any age - isnt that what college is for (kidding!). Seriously, I wish I was shocked by this, but with a 12 and 14 year old, I can no longer be shocked. Parents that drive their 12 year old kids to the movie with their date and drop them off. Parents that let their 12 or 13 year old kid have their boyfriend/girlfriend over and allow them to shut themselves in the bedroom for hours. I don’t agree with any of that and I don’t parent like that. And yes, I would be furious if I dropped my child off and found out the next day that it was a coed sleepover. Thats a pretty important detail that should not be left out.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:31 pmNope it wouldn’t happen in my world either. I don’t think you are off the mark by saying “i’ll pick him up” and I’m glad he was okay with it.
Just read the baseball email too and I have my fingers crossed for oldest son. Isn’t it nice to know they do have a heart beating in there for their mothers - even though they would probably deny it!
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:31 pmNo. Never. Absolutely not. There is never, ever a time I would allow this for any reason at age 10.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:41 pmI would be steaming pissed if I picked my daughter up and she said boys spent the night and vice versa. I just think it promotes things that do not need to be promoted at that age. If they were in Kindergarten and they were best friends, then I might consider it, but seriously doubtful. Some people are either blissfully ignorant or high, or both 99% of the time.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:42 pmI’m going to come down on Jamie’s side of the analysis…if it’s a family we know and are close with, then I might consider it, but a co-ed sleepover inviting the whole class? Really? Whose “interesting” idea was that one?
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:46 pmHeck no. I don’t have kids that old but I’m already weary just thinking about sending my 1-yr-old daughter to future all girl sleepovers much less a co-ed sleepover.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:52 pmNo way, not in a party situation. But here’s a thought, I have a son and a daughter only a year apart. If one of them has a friend sleep over at our house… won’t that be like a co-ed sleepover??? Teenage years are going to be tricky around here
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:58 pmI hate sleepovers and my younger 2, both girls, have never been on one, unless you count to their cousins. My main objection, as someone said, is that they don’t sleep at all. The other thing I hate is that they are awake at night when the parents are asleep and watching totally unsuitable TV etc.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:02 pmMy older 2, boys aged 15 and 13, have been at sleepover parties, see above, which is why I hate them so much! Now they do occasionally have one or two friends to stay over, not a party as such. It did just occur to me though that this is effectively co-ed sleepovers as my daughters get older. They are 11 and 9. Now that I have articulated this I don’t think I will be having teen age boys to sleepover for much longer!!
Heck no! My daughter is 10 and I’d be furious if I found out boys slept over at a party even in a separate room. Honestly, I can’t imagine my daughter even wanting to go to a co ed party nevermind sleepover, but either I’m naive or she just is odd.
hopefully you and your husband were on the same page. I have to wonder what that mom is thinking - perhaps she will do anything to keep her daughter happy, including hosting a co ed sleepover.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:06 pmHell No and Hell Yes I would be furious. My 13 year old is allowed to sleep over at friends houses, but I have to know who is staying and I have to at a MINIMUM meet the parents ahead of time. There has only been once when I allowed her to stay at a friend’s house where I didn’t know the parents extremely well, and that was for a friend’s birthday. I hated it and worried the whole time. She was fine of course, and she had her cell phone along just in case, but I worried. If I found out that there were boys at a sleepover, I would be furious with everyone involved. At any age.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:09 pmHmm - I’m going to be an anomaly here (bear in mind that I have no children and my answer might change if I did): I went to a co-ed sleepover in elementary school and a couple more in high school and it was no big deal. In elementary school it was the birthday party of family friends (about the worst thing that happened was that we had a water gun fight); it was all kids I’d grown up with, we all slept in the same room, and it was no big deal.
In high school I think my parents just figured that I was unlikely to hang out with people who’d do improper things at sleepovers, let alone do improper things myself (true. I was a very boring teenager). I mean, yes, they quizzed me on whether the parents would be there and how well I knew these people and who would be driving me and when I’d be home (and would never have let me, say, sleep over at a significant other’s house - oh wait I wasn’t allowed to date anyway), but… they also knew that if there was a problem I would call them. It always worked out.
So… for now I’d have to say that I’d evaluate things on a case-by-case basis.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:15 pmOh yes, “a different room,” and mom will be in one and dad in the other? I think not. What a screwy mom that kid has. I bet yours was not the only call she got. Why invite the boys at all if you are planning a sleepover. My 16 year old grand daughter would think this was a screwy mom.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:17 pmYou certainly did the right thing.
i think it’s completely fine under a couple of conditions. 1- knowing and trusting the bday child’s parents, and 2- addressing your fears of what could happen by sending your child to attend a co-ed sleepover party.
i wouldn’t want/allow the boys and girls to sleep in the same room/commons, of course. seperate sleeping quarters are appropriate and acceptable. i give the girl’s parents kudos for “thinking outside the box” and encouraging co-gender socialization at the age of 10 (because it’s not typical like you said in your post).
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:21 pmA co-ed sleepover party? For ten year olds?! Hell yes, I would be mad if my daughter spent the night and I found out later that the boys did too. What is that mother smoking?!
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:26 pmNo way would I let my girls attend. And I can’t imagine that I’d let my boy attend if I had one. Sleeping over someone’s house - whether a friend or more than that - involves a kind of intimacy that doesn’t belong in mixed-gender friendships at that age. As for whether I’d be upset if my daughter had slept over and I found out later there were boys present: yes, I’d be upset, but I think part of the blame would be mine. I think part of my job as a parent is to ask about who will be attending parties (etc), no matter what the age. That way the kids know I care and that I’m involved and might think twice about trying to hoodwink me. *Maybe.*
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:28 pmSeriously? I do not see you as an overprotective mother and you are saying no. I am hyper-overprotective and I would have a hard time even letting him go until 10:00. It shows such bad judgement on that mother’s part that I wonder what would happen earlier that I would not like. Perhaps that mother was laughing because she was embarrassed.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:29 pmThe boys are supposed to be left out, so it’s OK if they feel left out. Holy Shitballs! This is so not in any way acceptable!
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:32 pmI lost my virginity at a co-ed sleepover. Now granted I was 16 years old and not 10, but what’s this mom going to do in a few years when her daughter still wants to have co-ed sleepovers?
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:32 pmClearly that mother is on crack.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:33 pmMy older son’s friends have had them! They are 7th graders this year and apparently, where he wasn’t in school last year, he didn’t get invited. BUT, he says, ALL the other kids went and YES their parents let them sleep over. In his defense, I did see the photos and yeah, looks like they all slept over! What the hell? It’s like, go ahead, get pregnant, or get someone pregnant, I don’t mind…really…Sheesh!
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:36 pmThis didn’t come up until my daughter was older, probably about 14 or 15. We compromised by letting her go to the party, but I picked her up well before “bedtime.” She never told me exactly what happened there that night, but she made me promise to never let her go to a party like that again. Mother knows best.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:36 pmProbably not at that age unless I knew every single child at the party and every single parent and every single parent had the exact same parenting philosophy as mine and every single child was completely obedient and innocent of differences in boys and girls and none were prepubescent. Then I’d say, “Great! Sounds like fun!” (and I’m not high)
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:37 pmI have always hated sleepovers; the kids come home exhausted and cranky and then I had to deal with the aftermath. And a co-ed sleepover at 10? I can imagine what this mother will allow in a few more years.
My friends allowed their son to have a co-ed sleepover after the junior prom (keeping them safe, blah, blah, blah); the kids were outside in tents and the parents roamed around with flashlights all night long…
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:39 pmI would have no problem with it in theory (in practice it would depend on who the kids were, including mine). Apparently I am the odd mom out here. Though I would be pissed if I were finding out about it after the fact.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:41 pmMy 10 year old daughter was also invited to a co-ed sleepover (a boy’s party). Not only did she not sleep over, she didn’t even go to the party! NO WAY!
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:43 pmI went to a co-ed sleep over when I was a child, but the birthday girl had a twin bother. My mom did let me go but the parents had the girl sleepover upstairs and the boys sleepover down stairs. I’m not sure if it really counts as co-ed party.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:46 pmOMG, my daughter is only 3 and my son is only 5 1/2 but I fear the days when I have to start dealing with this stuff. I am already amazed that my son has a little girl friend in his class who he wants to marry. But that was two weeks ago and he still likes her and they are still friends but he doesn’t want to marry her anymore. Phew, I just hope he doesn’t want to marry someone else already. I don’t think I would allow my children to sleepover at a co-ed party. Its going to be weird when they want to sleep over their friend’s houses period! I’d rather have the friends over here. I would especially NOT be happy if my daughter were at a sleepover party and it turned out to be a co-ed sleepover. Not cool. I’m glad your son also thinks its weird. Phew for you. Hmmm, just read Jamie’s reply and I guess that makes sense too.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:47 pmThis is a wake-up call that all sleepover parties should be looked into (who are the parents, what about supervision, etc.). My girls have only ever spent the night at homes that I personally know the parents.
No. Way.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:51 pmNot in my lifetime.
Absolutely not. That is just asking for trouble, even at 10 years old. But thanks for the heads-up; now I’ll be asking if the sleepovers my daughters are invited to are co-ed, just to be sure!
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:54 pmTo Pat: I was VERY hesitant about letting my dd-16 go to a party on NY eve. I let her go only because I met the Mom at the door and saw for myself that there were ADULTS there. Her curfew was 12:30 am.
To Chris: There is no way I would let my kids do that. My dd-16’s friend was allowed to have her boyfriend spend the night “in another room”. We have had the discussion numerous times now how that is not appropriate!
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:57 pmMy daughter went to a private school and one of the Mom’s did this with fourteen 6th grades……yep co ed sleepover.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:57 pmWhen I called to RSVP she even admitted she would not be there but the sitter would have a close eye on things.
Ummmmm my daughter got picked up at 10PM…way late enough for a 12 year old. BUT guess what she was the only one in her class that did not spend the night!
Knowing how my sons were at 10 years of age, which was the “eewwww, girls” mentality, why in the world would any boy want to go to a sleep over party like this, unless the seperate room had unlimited pizza, sodas, a playstation 3, tons of games and a 50 inch t.v.? Kind of makes you wonder what the father of the birthday girl’s take is on this party , it’s apparent the mother is nuts. Would my kids have gone…..No.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:58 pmSusan’s comment brings up one of my biggest concerns about it…at least you were able to conclude it was co-ed. Girls’ parents may have no idea. Great! Now I’ve got something else to worry about.
The whole idea is more than a little insane.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:02 pmSleepover parties in general are just way too much trouble. Why would they want to maximize the hassle and have a coed sleepover party?
On another parenting note, I was at an acquaintance’s house the other night and her 14yr old daughter had 3 girlfriends over. They asked the mom to drive them over to ‘Zack’s’ house, a boy the mom didn’t know, and the mom took them all over there! and left them there ’till 11pm. I would be so mad if I was one of the girlfriend’s moms and found out that instead of being at the girl’s house, my daughter was at a stranger’s house all evening.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:03 pmExcuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.
This is almost as a bad, if not worse, than the co-ed dorm rooms you posted about a while back.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:05 pmUm….no. No co-ed sleepovers. I’m not a huge fan of sleepovers in general.
Wow.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:07 pmWhen my son was in 9th grade he was asked to sleepover with the soccer team (9-12grade)at one of his teammates house. I called parents to make sure they would be home,there would be no drinking ,and that once the kids were there they would not be able to leave. Everything sounded fine . I allowed him to go but the next day found out it was a co-ed sleepover. Girls slept on seperate floor with grandparents in between. You would have thought the parents would have said something.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:09 pmWhat??? What world does this woman come from?? I’m sorry, but there should NEVER be a co-ed slumber party. She has to be on drugs.
And I’m guessing, like you said, that some parents are going to be dropping off their daughters, COMPLETELY oblivious to the fact that it is a co-ed party, and all hell will be raised the next morning when they pick those girls up and see boys there. Heck no.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:22 pmThat is crazy nuts! Never would I allow my boy or girl to spend the night at a co-ed sleepover. What the heck was that mom thinking?
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:38 pmI have no children, but when we used to go on CHURCH-SPONSORED mission trips where we were all sleeping in adjacent dormitories, we all snuck out and, ahem, fraternized. That was with several patrolling adults. I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with two sleeping parents being the only supervision, even if the kids are only ten.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:42 pmMy son attended his first co-ed sleepover this summer, WHEN HE GOT MARRIED!
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:44 pmNever in a million years would my daughter be allowed to go. And hell YES I’d be mad if I found out boys were there afterwards! That mother obviously has her priorities way out of wack if she is worried that boys would feel left out!
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:46 pmit’s a dumb idea. what’s dumber is when this bday girl gets pregnant at 16 and the parents will wonder how and why this could have happened.
I am far from conservative and proud of my liberal self, but this is really just plain inappropriate. and yes, if I was the parent that found out a boy spent the night with my daughter, I’d be pretty pissed.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:48 pmIt would depend on the friendship. My eleven year old doesn’t have the sense that girls are different, so I wouldn’t worry about inappropriate stuff happens. But I probably wouldn’t go for it unless we knew all or most of the other families, and were on sleep-over status with them. But if there was any boyfriend & girlfriending going on, then no.
I hate the way the world tries to frame all children into romantic stuff and I’m very glad that my kids don’t do that. The boys have more friends that are boys, but they see girls as just less important friends, not as possible girl friends. And it is individual girls that they are rating, not the species. Of course, some day that stuff will start, but hopefully it will be when they are ready, not because they are forced into silly roles. (Sorry, fell into a rant there.) Anyway, if I were comfortable that the kids were all just friends, I’d probably be OK, but if I thought some were into romantic stuff, then I’d be uncomfortable. And it sounds like your neighborhood is one of the boys and girls are different and don’t mix sort, so NO.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:48 pmBad idea. PERIOD!
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:49 pmI have a twin brother (I am the girl twin), and your story reminded me of the many times growing up that my girl friends begged me to invite them to sleep over on the night my twin was having either a sleepover birthday party or even just a buddy spend the night because they thought it would be “so cool” to have a co-ed sleepover. I just wanted to shake them and say, “Dude, it’s soooo not interesting what 10-year-old boys do at 2 in the morning — trust me.” However, my mother (despite being a fairly laid back hippie) never allowed both my twin and me to have sleepovers on the same night. Growing up, I probably assumed her rule was just another unfair quirk of being a twin and having a larger family (five siblings total so a single birthday sleepover could mean upwards of 15+ kids in the house overnight), but now as an adult, I can’t even imagine parents throwing a co-ed “sleepover” party for their 10-year-old (let alone a child older than that). Co-ed regular party, seems fine. But sleepovers? I don’t even have children, but it just seems kind of inappropriate and unnecessary.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:57 pmI must preface this by stating that I do not have kids, but mu boyfriend has two, a 10 yr old boy and an 8 yr old girl.
My knee-jerk reaction is hell-no, they would not be allowed to attend, but then I got to thinking… what if the host of the sleepover has a sibling or two of the opposite sex around the same age? I’m preparing for the s-storm here, but how different is that? Would we expect the host to send their opposite sex children out of the house for the night?
When I was in high-school I was friends with a girl who had a sister and two brothers, the older brother being one year older than she and I. I slept over at her house several times, all while dating the older brother.
No, my mother was NOT liberal, and we behaved.
I suppose I’m just saying that it may not be as clear-cut in all cases.
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:58 pmWTF. HELL TO THE NO.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:03 pmSheepishly, I’ll admit that I’ve hosted what basically amounts to a co-ed sleepover. My 16 year old twins, girl and boy, run with the same crowd, so they frequently have “the inner circle” bunch, Daughter’s 2 best friends, and Son’s 2 best friends sleep over. I dont let peripheral friends stay over when they do this. It helps that I have known these kids and their families for years, and my husband is an insomniac and stays up with them. Nobody’s Virtue is gonna get compromised on our watch.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:08 pmI wouldnt let them go to one either, they only co-ed at my house. oh and boys sleep in sons room and girls sleep in daughters room. Oh and if I find out anybody on the “inner circle” is dating, sleepovers…not gonna happen…
This story made me laugh out loud because it is THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I’VE EVER HEARD!!! What is wrong with these parents? My 14 y.o. daughter would be freaked out by the idea and wouldn’t want to go at all! At 10 it would have been the same feeling - and *hell* no would I allow it anyway!! Jeez louise…
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:08 pmI’m speechless.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:08 pmUm, I may be the only one on here, but I don’t think it’s weird. Perhaps it’s because we’re two queer parents (through adoption), but we don’t really see gender that way.
I mean, yes, it may be unusual, but many kids these days have mixed gender friendships. At weddings (of people my age) - straight or not - I’ve always had boys and girls stand up on the bride’s side and vice versa for the groom. Many of my good friends are boys. My kids have friends of both genders. I don’t really see that it’s a big deal.
I think it’s odd as parents when we sexualize our kids when there’s not really a sexual intent or undertone - and we’ve all done it at some point in time or another. And in doing so, we often presume our kids are going to identify as straight. What if one of your kids is gay? Would you not allow same sex sleepovers. Our daughter identifies as bisexual, so should that mean we shouldn’t allow male or female sleepovers?
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:09 pmWell, crap. Now I’m the weirdo here. I don’t get why this is a big deal? I think I would handle it like any sleepover (I have girls, oldest is 6) and fully vet the parents. Coed or not, if the parents pass, they pass, if not then nobody’s going anywhere anyway.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:13 pmI’m obviously missing something here.
My kids are seven and that is probably coloring my response but I don’t get the adamant responses. I don’t know many ten year olds who would want a co-ed party, but if they did I don’t see the harm in a sleepover. The ten year olds I know are not at all interested in kissing or experimenting with anything sexual. I can’t think of anything else I’d be terribly concerned about. I remember plenty of overnight camping trips at that age. It didn’t harm us to be in a mixed-gender group. It was a fun change.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:17 pmUm…no way in hell.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:20 pmYeah, no. I don’t understand why some parents think this would be no big deal. Maybe they think because it’s at their house that nothing bad could happen but unless both the parents plan to stay up all night making sure the boys and girls stay in their respective rooms they are leaving themselves open for a whole lot of trouble.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:22 pmI have 2 boys - 10 and 16 yrs. I don’t allow sleepovers -ever. I don’t hold sleepovers and they don’t participate in them. They can go over someone’s house for a while but that’s it. I just don’t want to have to deal with someone else being in charge of my kids. What is ok to them, may not be ok to me.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:25 pmWell I had answers to your questions and then remembered the my husaband has said that Lael (now 6) will not be attending any sleepovers (ever) because parents are crazy nowadays. She can have sleepovers at our house but that’s it. What a girl to say?
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:26 pmUm…hell no. It is totally inappropriate and that mom is just whacked.
I have a 14 yo girl and she is best friends with a 14 yo boy and his 16 yo sister. Our families are very close. The girls did sleepovers once in a blue moon when we lived in the same town. Girls in the basement and boy on the second floor, with the parents’ room on the ground floor in between. And a dad threatening him within an inch of his life if he came down the stairs after lights out.
But a stranger, and a co-ed party for a ten year old. No way, no how. And I’d be pissed if my daughter attended and I didn’t know boys were staying.
Honestly, we don’t do a lot of sleepovers away from home. Only with very close family friends. I’m not even real crazy about kids I don’t know very well staying at my house. Too much potential for trouble.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:37 pmNo co-ed sleepovers. That is what college is for.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:40 pmThat’s it, I’m moving to the middle of the desert before I have to face issues like this with my 5 year old.
Sheesh.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:45 pmUtterly ridiculous!
I’m so glad that I’m not the only one whose kids don’t do sleepovers. I will gladly go pick them up at 10:30-11:00PM so as not to have to deal with their unholy, hellacious attitudes the next day or 2AM calls to come home.
I work with 10 year olds every day. I cannot imagine that most of them would WANT to have a sleepover together. But, I also know that there will always be a couple of kids who will definitely “sexualize it” (to use another poster’s phrase.) Stand behind your average group of 4th graders on any given day and you’ll hear what I mean. Don’t kid yourself, they start young these days.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:46 pmA world of NOOOOOOOO! These are the parents who are going to be wondering how their daughter got pregnant at 13.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:54 pmI’ll add my name to the tiny list of people who think co-ed sleepovers are fine. I am female and grew up with a group of friends who were both male and female, with male and female siblings. We had co-ed sleepovers, and regularly crashed at each other’s houses during high school. Our parents would rather have us stay at a friend’s house than drive home on icy roads late at night.
We were raised to be respectful, responsible kids, and we behaved accordingly. If you can’t trust your kid to do what’s right and talk to an adult if they are uncomfortable, then I think that is a problem that has little to do with co-ed sleepovers. It sounds like your son did awesome - he was uncomfortable with it and thought it was weird. And was comfortable expressing that to you.
I’m curious as to what people think about sleepovers at houses with opposite gender siblings. Many of my female friends had brothers, which means I attended many de facto co-ed sleepovers.
I also agree with the commenter who mentioned the assumption of heterosexuality - what does that do to sleepover rules? As someone who identifies as bisexual, I would never have been allowed to sleep over anywhere!
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:55 pmI think it would depend how well I knew the parents. For MM’s (he’s
two best girl friends? Sure. I know their parents really well and know that when they say “separate rooms” they mean it, and when they say “well supervised” they mean that too.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:56 pmThat smiley face was an 8 and an end paren.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:57 pmOh, no way! When I was in high school, my parents threw a party for my brother’s sixth grade class. My job was to keep them them from making out and to retrieve the couples that took off into the woods for alone time. I can’t imagine the hell that a coed sleepover would be.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:06 pmHeck no, I wouldn’t let either my sons or my daughter go to a co-ed sleepover. And, yes, I would be furious if I found out my daughter went to a sleepover and boys were there. They are 10 years old? That is crazy! Yes, the mom must be high.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:16 pmI guess I’m the blacksheep here, but this doesn’t seem all that crazy to me at all. All these comments saying how completely shocked they are and all… it’s not that big of a deal. I’d let my kids go to a co-ed sleepover.
It’s probably that this is an issue close to my heart. Up until the age of 12 or so, I had a really hard time making friends. Then I realized it was because I didn’t fit in with other girls. I wasn’t a tomboy at all, but from about 7th grade all the way through high school almost all of my friends were guys. Girls are catty and bitchy. They hold grudges and backstab. Gossip, gossip, gossip. I can’t handle it. Guys just seem to make such better friends in my experience. So as a teenager, ALL of my close friends were guys. I had a few female friends, but they weren’t close at all. In high school I had dozens and dozens of co-ed sleepovers. I say co-ed, but really it was just a group of bestfriends. One of whom just happened to be a girl. It wasn’t ever like a bunch of girls and a bunch of guys. It was a few guys and me. But, these were my BEST friends. I think it would have been extremely unfair if I weren’t allowed to have sleepovers with my best friends just because they weren’t the same sex as me.
There was never a sexual aspect to these sleepovers. At all. The idea of having sex with my best friends would be like having sex with my brothers. It just would never, EVER happen. I wasn’t some crazy novelty amongst my friends. We co-exsisted in a co-ed way. I talked about sports, music, cars, and video games with them. I didn’t always understand what they were talking about, but I listened and learned. Likewise, when I talked about clothes, shoes, shopping, lip gloss, make up, fashion, etc. They certainly didn’t always understand what I was talking about, but they listened to me and learned. In fact, they all learned how to French braid hair hair so that they could French braid my hair for me. (We were all in marching band, and girls had to have their hair French braided under their head-dresses) It wasn’t like they were all “Zomg she has boobs” all the time. The fact that I was a girl and they were guys didn’t really matter. We did normal sleepover things… watch movies, play video games, talk, eat, etc. We would then all pass out in the same bed. (just like girls do at a sleepover. You know how like a bunch of girls cuddle together like a pile of kittens in a bed during a sleepover?)
And I liked the point someone brought up about sexual orientation. Would you let your (straight) daughter go to a sleepover with gay boys? Bi or lesbian girls? Would you let your (straight) son go to a sleepover with lesbian girls? Bi or gay guys? Would you not let your bi-sexual child go to any sleepovers, period? What if you had a straight child and a bi-sexual child? Would the straight child be allowed to go to a sleepover with the same sex; but not allow the bi child to go to any sleepovers at all? To that point, how can you be sure that you aren’t sending your child to a sleepover where some of the other children might be bi or homosexual? Is it appropriate to call every parent and ask the orientation of their child that will be attending the sleepover?
Then again, not every parent knows the orientation of their child. I had LOTS of gay male friends in high school. And almost all of them were completely 100% in the closet. Their parents had NO clue whatsoever. They’ve told me so many stories about going to sleepovers (with other boys) and doing sexual things with them. Their parents didn’t know that their son was gay or that they were basically sending their child to spend the night with a sexual partner.
So what’s the verdict? I think the bottom line is know your child and trust them, and know the parents that host the sleepovers. And don’t try to sexualize completely non-sexual situations. (like my teenaged co-ed sleepovers)
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:17 pmI sense that I am in a minority, but when I was 10, my parents let me go to a sleepover party at a boy’s house… where I was the only girl. It wasn’t all that weird, and I slept in the other room with the door closed. They ambushed me in the middle of the night for a pillow fight, and I forgot that my mother had packed a flashlight in my pillowcase. Perhaps needless to say, but I won that fight. Anyway, it really wasn’t a big deal.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:18 pmUh… no way. Never! (Not that the teenager wouldn’t try!)
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:19 pmWay out of line!
They are TEN. It is a little weird.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:19 pm10 is way too young for that, not to mention weird. My son went to a co-ed sleepover after his senior prom, but a. it was prom and they didn’t get there until 4 a.m. b. he was over 18 and c. he was ready to graduate and leave for college. His date, meanwhile, was a sophomore, and if she was my daughter, I would never have let her go, but it was up to her parents, not me. I made sure he knew it was a crime for an 18 year old boy to have sex with a 15 or 16 year old girl.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:22 pmGlad to know I am not the only one not hip on sleepovers…
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:29 pmI know it is rather common around here for church youth groups (grades 7-12) to have lock-ins. The teens stay up all night (occasionally crashing) and males and females are both present. Tons of chaperones are around. So I wonder how I will feel when my kids get older, right now a lock-in wouldn’t bother me, but a overnight co-ed sleepover does. But, there does’t seem to be a big difference between the two?
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:31 pmI Have heard of these before. There is no way, on this God given earth, I would host one, or allow my child to attend one for the whole time. In addition, if I heard of one, regardless if if a grandchild or my children were not invited, I would still voice my concern. What are in the birthday guests goody bags? condoms? Some parents are just so naive and not with it. DUH!!!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:32 pmNo!
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:34 pmTo Rebecca, I teach in a rural school district in upper ne NYS. nOur 6th graders range from late 10 year olds to late 11 year olds. AND yes, they are aware of the other sex and are aware of the feelings of pre-teens. Check out statistics of 11-12 year olds having sex. OPEN YOUR EYES<<<<<<< I would love to believe this isn’t a problem, but I see it everyday.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:36 pmIs it possible this is a boy/girl twin party and your son knows the girl? Because as a twin, I can see how a co-ed sleepover might seem like a reasonable birthday party solution.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:40 pmI don’t see what the problem is. They’re gonna be sleeping in different rooms. Also, what do you guys think would happen? They are 10 not 16.
February 3rd, 2010 at 5:54 pmNo way! It is crazy, and while I have seen the same around my way, it still completely boggles my mind. I am in 100% agreement with you.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:11 pmOkay, WHAT is that mom thinking? That’s insane.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:15 pmOh heyyyl no. A “hell no” won’t even suffice. And I’m not even southern.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:17 pmSo, obviously the majority here are NO, or HELL NO, but I have a question. What happens if you have a girl and a boy? Are neither allowed to have sleepovers? Are they only allowed if the other gender is away for the night?
As the mom of 2 boys (ages 2 and 6 months), I really don’t know the answer to that one. In the future, can they only sleep at homes that have only boys?
Also, I have a friend with a 6 year old girl who has been “playing doctor” with other girls, so isn’t it safe to say that inappropriate games happen with either gender, whether mixed or not?
Good topic, Chris. I’d be interested to hear more than just “No.”
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:20 pmYes, that woman is CLEARLY on crack! Who would think a co-ed sleepover is okay?! And to the people who say “Oh, they’re only 10 year olds”, I say have you seen 10 year olds these days? They know more and are aware of a whole lot more than we did at 10. I absolutely HATE when my daughters are invited to a sleepover and don’t know why parents insist on having them. I know the other parents think i’m mean or overprotective, but we never let our girls spend the night. They are 5 and 7 and are just way to young, in my opinion. I don’t know why parents subject themselves to sleepovers anyway. The kids act like apes, they tear up your house, eat all your food, and the poor parents have to stay up all night to supervise. PLUS, there’s always one or two kids who get their feelings hurt over something or get homesick. In the morning, you have to deal with all these cranky, tired kids, plus get all their crap together to take home. The only house our girls are allowed to spend the night at is OUR best friends house whom we’ve known for 15 years, and they have three little girls. Our kids are comfortable around them, and we know they are supervised and taken care of. People these days are just crazy and unless you know the parents REALLY well, you just can’t trust sending your precious children over to a strangers house for the night. Too many things can go wrong that you’d never forgive yourself for.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:21 pmMy concern with the judgement of the adult in charge would encompass much more than the sleepover. I’m certain my child would not be attending any part of the event.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:30 pmI would anxiously await next year’s party invitation to see if the sleepover idea is repeated.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:32 pmI taught 4th and 5th grade and they are already sending each other notes about sex. Will you have sex with me, Check box yes or no!! Honest!! Why give them the opportunity?!?!
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:34 pmHi Chris…I feel like I have to introduce myself, as I’m reading your blog for a long time already and by the way…I enjoy every single post. So first of all, thanks for that. I’m from Germany and you know every nation or country has something where people keep saying “that is so typical for…”. And in this post it sounds so typical american. I mean there will be lots of prejudices about germans, but one typical attribute for americans is being prudish. I hope I don’t sound rude and I really don’t wanna attack anyone…but seriously: what do you think might happen, if 10 year old boys and girls are having a sleep-over-birthday-party???
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:35 pmI just don’t get it. Here noone would even think about that as a problem. They are just kids celebrating a birthday. I had many sleep-overs as a kid, even with boys in the group. What difference does it make? The boys are playing cool, trying to freak the girls by telling ghost stories or something like that. What else should happen?
Pls let me know, so maybe I can banish that prejudice of Americans out of my mind.
I hope my English was not too bad and noone feels offended, because that was definitely not my intention.
yes, i would allow it, supposing i knew the child and their parent(s). yes, i’ve had co-ed sleepovers at our home. we’ve got five kids. so everything is usually co-ed. we always supervise and we have known the kids we invite and their parents for YEARS… i would however be upset if my children, male or female, spent the night somewhere with opposite genders without my knowledge. i’m the parent. i’d like to have the choice.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:36 pmhellno.
and yes I would be p’d if I found out after.
and hell would be raised.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:39 pmI’ve been reading this blog for years and years, never commented, but I obviously love this blog since I keep coming back.
I don’t have any problems with this. I don’t see the big deal.
I’m a mom of 6 kids, three of each, from 4 yo. to 21 yo.
And we’ve always done sleepovers, at any age, with their friends. And we don’t care what sex the friend is.
I’m totally with gus&otto, I hate it when people sexualize their kids.
Our kids are perfectly capable of having friends. Just like we are. Of both sexes. And you don’t sleep with your friends. I’ve never done that, and I have mostly male friends, and I’ve even slept in the same bed as many of them on countless occasions at all ages without anything happening. Because we are just friends.
And, most people seem to assume their kids will be straight. What if they are gay? Or bisexual? Then they shouldn’t be allowed to have sleepovers with anyone, not even their own sex. ‘Coz they might be gay. Or bi.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:45 pmI’m gonna wholeheartedly agree with all the “hell no’s” you’ve gotten in response to this post.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:46 pmI’m not even really sure what the point would be to a co-ed sleepover?? I think it’s a little naive in this day and time to think that 10 year olds don’t “think” about sex. They may not realize that’s what they’re thinking about or that’s what those feelings they’re having mean…but they’re thinking and feeling it. All they really know at this age is what feels good…sounds dangerous to me.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:52 pmNot sure. My girls are still young (5 and 2). I have not encountered this yet.
Thinking back on my childhood, I stayed in a hotel room with my girl friend’s older brother and his friend while on vacation when I was in 5th grade. I had a crush on the brother’s friend. We watched a lot of tv and nothing happened. We all attended the same Catholic School together. This is weird to me now.
I don’t like the idea of sleep overs with either sex of classmates. This is how I started experimenting with alcohol and cigarettes at a young age (5th-8th grade). And as I stated previously, I attended a private Catholic gradeschool. This led to my use of numerous drugs in highschool.
However, heliocopter parenting does not sound desirable either. I’m not sure what road to take. All this sleep over talk frightens me. I need to start reading more child manuals.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:59 pmThat mother needs to add a new word to her vocabulary.
No.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:06 pmUmm, no, I would not be comfortable with this and think it a very weird idea.
But the part I think is the weirdest is that the mom actually wants how many 10 year olds to stay all night at her house? Is she insane? I have two grandsons and they can destroy the house in no time. She really must not know just how much havoc boys can create. OK, mothers of sons, don’t go berserk. I know that girls can create havoc too but boys….man they don’t even have to try.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:32 pmWe never had coed sleepover party, with lots and lots of people (not ’til I was in high school and the theatre kids would have hangouts and just crash where we all landed), but I remember being allowed to have a guy friend of mine spend the night. We slept in separate sleeping bags, but my parents knew we were just friends, and nothing ever happened.
I can see how a party might be iffy, especially if you don’t know the parents well or even all the kids, but I can safely say I had coed spend-the-nights and I turned out okay…didn’t even KISS a boy ’til I was 17.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:40 pmThere is no way I would let my son sleep over either! That is just something you don’t do!
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:42 pmNo. End of story.
I remember being 17 and having a boy that I was dating come visit from very far away, and sleeping downstairs in the room next to mine. My parents were either upstairs, and during the day, they were out.
BAD idea. Hormones just are too wild at that age and kids get swept up in the moment. It’s better to have cooler adult heads prevail, I think.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:01 pmI think its odd. I am not sure why the mom “wouldnt want the boys to feel left out” Really? I remember the sleep overs when I was that age - we played light as a feather and tried to see who fell asleep first and put their hand in warm water to see if they would pee? I cant imagine you could do that w/boys “sleeping” in the other room. At 10 do you have a cell phone (My kids are only 6/4 so I honestly dont know)…If yes, wont they just text each other all night? I think you are right to let your son go, but pick him up.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:02 pmI thought I was CRAZY.
My daughter is 15. My nephew is 15. They live in the same town and are friends with the same kids(both girls and boys).
I actually had a parent call to LOBBY for my daughter to go to a sleepover her SON was having. The parent’s reasoning was that since my nephew was going it would be OK. again?
I barely know this women, but even if she was my BFF Jill, the answer would still have been NO. I had to bite my tongue OFF to not ask about the CRACK she must surely be smoking..
Scary part of the story?
3 girls were allowed to go. 10 boys: 3 girls. AGE 15.
This is why MTV has a show called 16 and PREGNANT.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:18 pmI remember my first boy-girl party when I was about 9 or 10.
It was NOT a sleepover, but I was certainly introduced to some interesting concepts. Like a “medium rare hamburger”. (ewww, gross!) and then “Spin the Bottle”. (Even Grosser.)
Just because the birthday girl is 10 (+/-) doesn’t mean there are things that “won’t go on because they are only 10″.
My middle child (now 21) was best friends with a girl, for years. They never got to do sleepovers, despite the older siblings doing sleepovers (boy/boy girl/girl). Ben and Tami always thought it was unfair, but too bad. They “outgrew” their friendship as they hit their tweens and so much peer pressure was put on them to only have same sex friends.
Hang on to as much innocence as you can in their childhood!
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:25 pmIf my child was invited to an overnight with close family friends that I knew well, and parents would be home and actively present, then *maybe*. If my child’s entire classroom was invited to a co-ed overnight party, absolutely NO.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:49 pmWhen I was in high school our church youth group had a few coed sleepovers throughout the year. No problems ever arose, and I didnt ever hear any parental objections.
BUT.. I would not allow coed sleepovers for a party at a friends, I barely allow a sleepover with no party (very rare). I would be upset if I found out later it was a coed sleepover….maybe more so if I had any girls. Double standard…yes I guess so
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:02 pmUh, no. No, my boys will never be sleeping over at a co-ed sleep-over. Not unless they’re married to the party-girl. That’s just a real head-scratcher to me. I would be ticked if I found out a sleep-over would be co-ed. That’s just freakin’ weird. I would’ve handled it exactly as you did.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:11 pmReally, sleepovers in general are tricky. I had a friend, usually a very over-protective mother, constantly try to have my 3 year old daughter sleepover with her daughter. They were the best of friends - but no, I didn’t let it happen.
Sleepovers with teenagers - not going to happen. Maybe a few same sex friends once in awhile. The whole high school sports “team building” sleepovers is a disaster in the making. I was surprised to see the amount of partying and bad behavior by high school athletes. I’ve seen too much sneaking out at night, smuggling booze in and going out to party or “visit” that special friend. I now refuse to host team-building sleepovers or allow my kids to stay all night. [Somewhat off the subject, some of the top athletes in our community (they also had good grades), pooled their money and rented a cheap apartment for girls and partying. They would charge couples by the hour to use the place! I was shocked by some of the kids who did this.]
But to answer your question - as much as I want to be gender neutral, I would not allow my son to have sleepover with girls. I might have some different rules if the girl was his very best friend, but some random girl in the classroom - no.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:27 pmnope. would not have happened when my kids were that young. just nope.
and, I would have been real ticked if I found out that there was co-ed and I did not know till next day. Fortunately, that never happened.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:41 pm1.) I have read your blog for quite a while now and I love it. I love every part of it. Thanks!
2.) I have three toddlers and I teach high school.
3.) I never know what I am doing in the toddler department, but after teaching for 10 years. Nope. No co-ed sleepovers. That’s bizarre!
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:53 pmNot ever. and I would be ticked if I’d dropped off my daughter & didn’t know the boys were sleeping over.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:11 pmMy grown children are now 23-29 years old, and this didn’t come up until the youngest was in 8th grade. In that case it was a co-ed group spending a week, during the summer, at the coast with one of the girls divorced father.
What did become apparent, though, is that a lot of parents had a very, very hard time saying “no” to their children, therefore anything went. Many of these kids, from affluent families, were drinking, partying, shoplifting and having sex at a young age.
My oldest was invited to a boys sleepover when he was 9 but we didn’t know the parents very well, so we picked him up at 9pm.
I’m not so sure that I would trust this clueless mother to do a good job supevising the kids at the party till 10pm.
My 23 year old daughter has thanked me more than once recently for being a strict parent. She said I was in her ear, and made her choices that much easier when she was in college, facing all the poor choices that the people around her were making.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:15 pmWhat kind of party favor? Flavored condoms?
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:24 pmNo. Freaking. Way.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:38 pmHowever, that said - my daughter did spend the night at a co-ed sleepover when she was in high school…which I only found out about after the fact. I think she regretted her decision after the multiple “good decision” speeches I gave her and the phone calls to the parents ofthe girl who had the party and the parents of the other girls and boys who were there. Yes. I am a troublemaker - and proud of it.
out of the question!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:44 pmI’m clearly going against the convention here, but my friend and I had plenty of coed sleepovers in high school. It wasn’t a big deal, except that a few of the boys occasionally got their toe-nails painted by particularly enterprising female friends. Come to think of it, I had a male friend who slept over in my room when I was 8 or 9 as well.
Amusingly enough, my high school boyfriend was not allowed to sleep over in my room, nor I in his. Not that this ever stopped us from doing what we wanted to anyway…
I can see why you wouldn’t want this to set a precedent, especially for the older boys, but I don’t think this mom is off her rocker at all.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:47 pmWell, at least now it’s clear why you NEED to move back up here to New England.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:48 pmMy kids are older than 10, and I have no problem with this scenario. What exactly do you think is going to happen with a bunch of 10 year olds, an orgy? I would judge this sleepover as I would any other–that is, on the basis of whether I know and trust the family well enough to have my kid spend the night there. When my D was 9 she was friends with a boy in her class. He invited her to a sleepover–not a party, just a chance for the two hang out together. I thought it was very admirable that he felt he could treat a girl just like any male friend. I knew the parents. They had fun. End of story. As for those paranoid types who wouldn’t let their lids spend the night at ANYONE’S house–I am speechless. It’s the way kids socialize, it’s a lot of fun. You get to stay up late, try a different brand of toothpaste and discover a breakfast cereal you don’t get at home. What’s to be afraid of?
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:49 pmI have two daughters and one son. My younger daughter and my son are only a year apart in school and have many of the same friends. Anytime my son wants to have a friend sleep over that friend is sleeping over in a house with girls. Anytime my daughter wants to have a friend sleep over that friend is sleeping over in a house with a boy in it. So, we live in a co-ed house and we have co-ed sleepovers. Although the boys tend to sleep in a loft we have and the girls tend to congregate in the girls bedroom.
When my middle daughter turned 14 she wanted to have a co-ed sleepver. She is part of a huge group of really good friends and she said there would not actually be any sleeping. I said ok. And we invited 50 kids and rented 10 movies and bought a ton of food. I stayed up all night. We had girls who left at 10, 11, 12, 1 and 2. We had boys who left at 12. At 12 the remaining 30 kids settled all over my family room and started watching scary movies - all fully clothed - and screamed most of the night away. Some fell asleep sitting up. Some wandered into the dining room where we had guitar hero set up. No one drank, no one smoked anything. We had juice, muffins and fruit at the crack of dawn and they were all gone by 10. It still is remembered as the best party ever. But maybe when sleeping wasn’t the intention, it shouldn’t really be called a co-ed sleepover, maybe a co-ed all nighter?
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:53 pmSeriously - 10 yrs old! No wonder the world is going to hell in a hand basket! I think I would have actually peed my pants on that one!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:00 pmwow, a lot of comments here. I’m posting my 2 cents before reading even ONE comment, because hey, I don’t like to be intimidated one little bit, and I’m O-pinionated to the highest order!
Co-ed sleepovers? Do they provide condoms as party favors? Like, hand out the party bags, and inside you find your choice of birth control?
Oh, man I bet my comment there won’t get any brownie points, but that’s all I’ve got. Sleepover’s at any age, before marriage, are a recipe for early grandmothership, and STD’s. And boys? will always want to be taken off the hook, whereas girls (of which I’m one) would always prefer there to be boys over, all night long. Call it a party, call it whatever you want, the longer the boys are there, the better.
This mom of a 10 yr old? She’s nuts. Her daughter will undoubtedly be gifting her with a mini-me before she’s out of high school if this mom doesn’t get a slap upside her head pretty damn quick.
To answer your last question? If I had a daughter (which I don’t, and won’t ever) I’d be so pissed to find this out after the fact (sleepoever w/ boys) I’d be calling up that stupid ass mom faster than my fingers could dial the phone. I’d probably be back to her house, words spitting out of my mouth faster than I could open my lips. This type of stupidity? Just screams white trash.
Girls will ALWAYS find a way to wherever the boys are, chaperoned party (allnighter or no) or not. What’s next, passing out the 6 packs as the kids walk in the door? Because “getting drunk at home” is SO much safer than being out in a car drinking somewhere else? I think not.
What an example of motherhood, this mother is not.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:10 pmI don’t allow my kids to sleep over other people’s houses (excpet some family). So a co-ed sleepover…not even an option.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:30 pmnot gonna happen.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:04 amI have to say that your blog title is so correct. I thought I had seen and heard it all too but boy, this suprises me. I would never have had a sleep over party for boys and girls and I would never let my son go to one. My son is 15 yrs. old now but it would NEVER happen. I can’t believe the parent thought that it was okay. Didn’t want them to feel left out? Have the boy/girl party and boys go home at a certain time. UGH!
February 4th, 2010 at 12:07 amA bunch of little kids, like toddler age? Yes. I used to have sleepovers with my male cousins when I was that age. But for the age group you specified, no freaking way. He can wait until he’s in college, then he’ll have plenty of opportunities to pass out drunk on his female friends’ couches (kidding…sort of).
February 4th, 2010 at 12:08 amMy parents let me go to a co-ed sleepover when I was 16 or 17. The entire group of kids were from our church, not that that necessarily makes a difference. I went, but I thought it was weird, and 20 years later, I’m still surprised they let me go.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:18 amAbsolutely not. It would be one thing if you had known this woman for years & you had socialized at some point… but even then, I don’t see going for a co-ed slumber party. That’s just asking for trouble. Why wave food under the bear’s nose, ya know? And don’t kid yourself with the “they’re only 10″ stuff… we may not have known WHAT we were doing, exactly, but I distinctly remember playing a version of Spin the Bottle at a neighbor’s birthday party when we were in the 3rd grade. (Yep.) There’s always going to be that one kid in the group that has an older sibling that has “told” them things that they’re just DYING to share.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:21 amMy boys are too old for “co-ed sleepovers,” except for the very expensive ones every night in the dorms. Let the youngsters wait till they’re in college.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:24 amThey are 10 for goddness sakes. My ten year old grandaughter’s best friend is a boy-has been for going on 3 years. She goes to his house and they play with his pet rats. It was only natural that she attend his birthday party. And the sleepover part. There were three kids there-the birthday boy, my granddaughter, and one other boy. A good time was had by all. If it ever appears that the relationship is moving into something else we’ll have to rethink the whole thing, but for now they are having fun being 10.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:46 amUmm…man. I guess I’m the only one that thinks this might be ok. I think she’s nuts being willing to take it on, but I think I would let my kids go, if I knew the family.
And that’s all I’m going to say because people are gonna go nuts from just that.
February 4th, 2010 at 1:15 amI don’t get it either. My best friends daughter (6) is best friends with my two boys (5&6) and we have traded often…they all pile in one bed even….its not a big deal at all.
February 4th, 2010 at 3:44 ameven @ 10 I don’t see it as a big deal IF you know the family etc, now 12, I would start drawing the line.
I do think its a bit odd to have such a party, but kinda think its in relation to a bit younger generation raising kids, this whole not leaving anyone out thing, its the same ones who want to order trophies for all the soccer teams so the kids dont feel sad and give a ribbon to EVERY single kid who was in the track meet….
We have tried to teach our boys that you don’t always win, and you don’t always get invited and feel that its important that they learn that from us now than to have such a rude awakening when they say get jobs or go to college and find out the world doesnt revolve around them.
Steff
Ok, My daughter has twice slept over at a friend’s house, who was a boy, after the birthday party. She was 10 and, then 11 years old (they go to a really small school, and everyone knows everyone). But, the girls and boys slept in different rooms, and all the kids and parents have pretty much known each other since they were in kindergarten. Yes, I thought it a little different(read “odd”), but, it went just fine. It’s probably a good thing, that they weren’t all so boy vs girl.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:12 amI’m not American, so maybe that is why your outrage over co-eds surprises me so much. We had a co-ed for our 7 YO this year - there were three boys and one girl (and his little sister). No-one ever questioned this. In the end, one of the adults went to sleep in their room because they just couldn’t stop the pillow fighting, but other than that everything went fine. They had a blast. I am not sure he would want to do this again when he is ten, but if he would, we’d see no problem.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:24 amNo way. I am not in favour of sleepovers period. That situation really is enabling all sorts of mischief.
It would be interesting to find out how many boys do end up sleeping over? Will you find out for us Chris?
February 4th, 2010 at 4:37 amUh, no. My older kids have been to a few sleepovers (my 16 year old daughter many more than my 16 year old son), but they have been with a very good friend(s) of the same sex. NO WAY would I have let my 10 year old son or daughter attend the co-ed sleepover.
Glad you called and spoke to the Mom to find that it was co-ed. One reason why I am still a little iffy about my sonsattending sleepovers is because one of them was invited to a boys “sleepover” party when he was about 14 1/2 (naturally the invite was very boy-ish and I just assumed that it would be all boys - as did my son). We arrived at the party to find a group of girls there including his ‘girlfriend’ (I actually think that when you have a ‘girlfriend’ at 14 you don’t actually speak, LOL. Otheriwse we probably would have known there were girls there)
Just thought I’d give you another version to your scenario. I would be doing exactly what you are doing - taking my son home before the sleepover.
February 4th, 2010 at 6:35 amTotally different culture here - south european, catholic - but I have to say I don’t consider a co-ed sleepover that weird. My older children (boy, 9, girl, 7) have occasionally (that is, 2 or 3 times)sleptover at family friends’ in a co-ed room. These are children who are growing up together and we’ve been friends with the parents for a long time (prior to kids) - they’re more like cousins than just friends, really. They also have a long-time boy friend who occasionally will spleep here or where they’ll sleepover at - always in the same room (we all live in the city centre and apartments aren’t that big!). There is no story to that - they are kids!!! Also, my 3 children all sleep in the same room, and will continue to do so until the girl, the middle child, starts feeling uncomfortable about it (which I think won’t happen before she’s 10 or 11, really…). From this distance I’d say American society is at the same time very lax (and expecting a hypersexualization of 10 yo sleepovers is being very lax in our own culture) and very prudish, hence most comments.
I’m not judging, I’m only saying it is mainly a cultural/societal difference.
Still, I don’t think most parents in my culture would allow sleepovers (co-ed or no co-ed) with a bunch of 10 yo schoolmates whose parents we hardly know. I think the line must be drawn more between the families we know and feel at ease with and the families we don’t know/don’t want to know rather than at the children’s ages - as long as they are children, of course, and not 13, 14 and 15 yo who act differently and have physiological
reasons to act differently…
Marta from Lisbon, Portugal
February 4th, 2010 at 6:36 amChris, are you sure that’s how the phone call went ? Because if it did, then how could anyone let their kid sleep over at a house run by a high crazy woman ? Or even let them go to the party ?
February 4th, 2010 at 8:07 amOn the separate issue of co-ed sleepovers, I think you and most of the others here are over-reacting. The kids are only 10 years old. If I knew the family well, I’d definitely consider it, if not then I’d have to rethink.
I normally don’t read the comments on your blog but this time I had to; reckoned I’d see a lot of silly over-the-top replies !
There is no way I would let my children sleep over at a co-ed party!
February 4th, 2010 at 8:29 amMy parents let me sleep over a boy buddy’s house when I was 9 or 10 (just the two of us, not even a group setting). Of course, in those days, the thought of anything sexual didn’t even cross our minds. Then he did boy stuff like pull the legs off a hermit crab and throw a toad until it was dead, I didn’t want to be his friend anymore after that anyway.
I think if I knew the parents really well and how much the kids would be monitored, and if the monitoring met my expectations (like a couple more self-sacrificing parents volunteer to sleep over as well), I might allow it at that age. Especially in the case of fraternal girl/boy twins who may each be having a sleepover at the same time! But otherwise (such as in your case, where you really don’t know them), I think I’d have to say no.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:50 amI’d have to agree with the rest — Hell. No. That girl’s mother is opening a giant, Sam’s Club-sized can of trouble.
On a lighter note, I tried your Baked Apple French Toast recipe this morning. Very well-received by all five kids here. The sixth wanted some, but at 11 months old, he’s going to have to wait a bit. The only suggestion I had was by one of my 10-y.o. boys (I’ve got two) — “Next time you make this, can you add chocolate chips rather than apples?” Typical. Thanks for sharing the recipe!
February 4th, 2010 at 9:53 amI’m going to be the odd one here. I had co-ed sleepovers when I was in HS at my house. My parents were by far the strictest in my group of friends, which makes it all that much stranger. The first time I had one, we all slept in the same room with my parent’s room next to us (it was a large living room and we just slept in the floor). It was literally me, another girl and 4 guys. But, at the same time, I have to point out that I was much closer to the guys in school than the girls. The second time we had an all night bonfire the night before graduation and the next night another guy had one. We all stayed, probably a total of 20 mixed. So, for me it wasn’t weird, nor was it something I even thought about, I was 16-17.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:59 amWould I do it? Probably not, and I sure as heck wouldn’t allow my daughter to attend a co-ed sleepover unless I was VERY close to the parents and knew they would keep a close eye on things. But, at the same time, I’m planning on taking my church teens to my Dad’s for an overnight trip to attend his church & I’ll have co-eds there. DH is throwing a fit and is insisting on coming, which is fine; but I really don’t give it much thought. Maybe I’m just crazy.
I would do exactly what you are doing and absolutely pick my son up early. Furthermore, I would be PISSED if my 10 year old girl was at a co-ed sleepover and I found out after the fact.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:16 amOMG, that is INSANE. INSANE. And by the way I am a psychologist specializing in pre-teens, teens, and families and with a million seminars/presentations/parent-education trainings/school programs under my belt about issues just like this. From a professional as well as a personal/parental standpoint, I would just say: INSANE.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:22 amThis comes at an opportune time. My 11 yr old step daughter was invited to an all girl sleepover. I called the mom, who I did not know and asked what was being planned.
February 4th, 2010 at 11:41 am“We’re going to all sleep in a tent in the backyard. We will do makeup and hair and there will be a big portable heater to keep the girls warm. I’ll be out there all night.”
So we let her go, even though there was that niggling sensation that something just seemed off.
So my daughter comes home. Two tents, five girls, no parent, no heater and my daughter the only one at 1am left in a tent, alone, in the backyard.
Your instincts are usually the best guide.
BTW that nervous laughter of the parent you spoke to… that was so her inner voices would be drown out and she could no longer hear the chant “condoms are 99% effective”
Wow! What a response. Very interesting perspectives all around. Kids of all ages get into all kinds of mischief in all kinds of situations. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer for this - every Mom needs to decide for herself and what’s best for her kid/family is what I say.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:02 pmmy younger brother and sister are twins. there have been many times when each would have a friend or two over for sleep-overs. while they would normally hangout together, when it came to sleeping the boys were in my brother’s room and the girls in my sister’s. there were also years when, god-forbid, the two sexes should intermingle! they would each pick a section of the house and stay there! my sister did have a male friend in high school who would stay at the house occasionally, but there was no chance of anything happening. (i remember a new year’s eve when the boy stayed over and my parents had gone out. the boy’s mom had even laughed when talking to my parents about how this would normally be a situation that she would never allow… but because it was us she knew it was safe!)
i think my family is also a major exception to the rule. my parents do not drink, smoke etc. (a good example of this is how we had to move the “liquor cabinet” for our new fridge and in doing so we realized that all the alcohol in the cabinet had evaporated… from un-opened bottles!) my siblings and i are also very open with my parents. they know everything- sometimes even stuff they don’t want to! since we are so open and trusting with each other my parents have been lenient with us- knowing we would never get involved in anything stupid. in addition, our friends have also been respectful of my parents and us and have never pressured us to join them in anything we never wanted to do.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:24 pmUm - SO not happening!
We have some really close family friends who I have known since I was 2 (I am now QUITE a bit older with 2 kids of my own!). We had sleepovers with them since the age of 2, mainly when we went sailing, but also because we both lived overseas and went on holidays together when we managed to be in the same country! Anyways. It worked fine, but past the age of 8/9 - NO WAY. We had GREAT sleepovers, really good fun - but it makes me blush what we got up to (I will spare you the details!) and my kids will NEVER get to experience that if I have any say in it! Let’s just say that I had my first kiss at age 9
*ahem*.
I have to say we HAVE had co-ed sleepovers, but then my son is only 4 and has known his friend since before he was born (her mum and I were in the same antenatal class), and it was a favour for her parents. When they get to school age, NO.
Thankfully my son’s class is all boys (he’s in a co-ed school, what are the chances?!) so I am saved for the time being
February 4th, 2010 at 12:37 pmYou know that I love you and I completely respect your decision but… your reaction is heteronormative. You’re assuming that these children are all heterosexual and so having a mixed gender sleepover might lead to uncomfortable and potentially inappropriate situations for the children.
When for some children, single gender sleepovers are the most difficult situations in the entire freaking world.
Sleepovers in general are fraught with problems for children (and their parents) because we make assumptions about their sexuality and their friendships. And, we let our own experiences and fears rule.
I would have been much better off attending co-ed sleepovers… but nobody ever bothered to consider that. And I certainly couldn’t have mentioned it to anyone. So, I was miserable - until they became really really fun… and no parents blinked an eye.
Just sayin…
February 4th, 2010 at 1:01 pmWow Chris, you sure know how to open a can of worms.. Laughing with you!
Love the post!
February 4th, 2010 at 3:26 pmI can’t say for sure yes or no to co-ed sleepovers. I guess it all depends on who is inviting them over. If my kids ever get invited to one then I’ll form an opinion and let you know.
No way… Not happening here. I remember all the crazy stuff we did at sleepovers when I was a tween and that was with just girls there. Can’t imagine what would have happened if boys were there! Besides, how are you supposed to prank call the boy you like if he’s sleeping in the other room?
February 4th, 2010 at 4:10 pmI got two words for you………HELL NO!!!!
February 4th, 2010 at 5:34 pmshe has watched one too many movies and tv shows where the boy and girl are BEST friends and sleep over
(Dawsons creek where joey used to climb up the ladder to sleep with Dawson)
Real life is soooo not Hollywood!
nutty!
February 4th, 2010 at 7:34 pmChildren were given parents to protect and guide them to adulthood. There are enough predators out there, both young and old that children DO need this protection. No matter what child, no matter what the circumstances, they DO need a parent to guard them. Any sleepover at all should be with only people well known to the parents and every relationship cautiously watched either same sex or different and any age. A child is not prepared for any grown up stuff until they are….grown up. There are other times when they can get their socializing, times when there is not that extensive of an unsupervised time frame for ? to happen. The statistics show a huge amount of children have been subject to inappropriate experiences at an early age. My gut says no co-ed sleepovers, only same sex sleepovers with the very well known friends, and a lot of open talk with kids afterwards.
February 4th, 2010 at 7:35 pmoh and I also think it depends on the situation…say you had very close family friends and the kids had known each other all their lives and were totally supervised during a visit. That is a whole different thing than a bunch of pre teens running around all night.
February 4th, 2010 at 7:36 pmI’d be more concerned about drugs and alcohol than sex, but that’s based on what I was like as a teenager. Older siblings are trouble because of their access to alcohol/drugs imo. I’m not sure what I’d do for teenagers but I can imagine circumstances in which I would allow it. For a ten yr old, in the situation you described it seems like a no brainer (no).
February 4th, 2010 at 10:25 pmAnd I forgot to say…I once had a girl sleepover (I am a girl) because we had early morning hockey and we were driving her. I showed her the guest room….she eventually joined me in my queen sized bed because it’s! a! slumber! party! …I was naive and thought nothing of it. Of course she’s gay we all now know. It just makes me laugh. It was harmless but yea the whole differing sexual orientation is just another wrench thrown in the decision making.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:30 pmNO WAY! I would not allow my son to go to an overnight co-ed party. This could just start a whole alot of trouble for our kids.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:57 pmI agree with you allowing him to go until a certain time and then picking him up. As you said he thought it was a little strange and he would most likely be very uncomfortable staying.
Good parenting on your part!
To be honest, I have a hard enough time with same-sex sleepovers when I don’t know the parents super well and I wonder if there will be too much candy available, or if the kids will be allowed to play outside until midnight, or that sort of thing. I’ve very often picked up my daughter early simply because I’d rather not chance it!
I don’t think anything too raunchy would go on at a co-ed sleepover at that age (although it *IS* possible!) but it’s still wrong on so many levels. It’s just not at all appropriate!
That woman sounds out of her mind.
February 4th, 2010 at 11:17 pmLord in Heaven, this is wrong. Co-ed sleepovers, BAD idea. I would react the same way as you, not a good precedent to start. YIKERS!!
February 5th, 2010 at 12:52 pmHow dumb is that parent? That’s just wrong. I wonder if any of the boys will actually sleep over. Ick.
February 5th, 2010 at 5:56 pmI would feel livid and betrayed to find out my daughter was at a co-ed sleepover! I’m not keen on my son attending one, either. Is she serious? I don’t even invite boys if I know it’s going to be a sleepover–that’s how you “don’t let the boys feel left out!”
February 6th, 2010 at 6:59 pmI love this topic–fun comments too. My kids (boy 10 and girl 7) started school last year after homeschooling. Boy, were our eyes opened to the world of sleepovers and slumber parties. How quickly I learned–I hate ‘em all! We allowed my son to have a boys only Halloween sleep over, and even though it went fine, my husband and I stood around all night just waiting for trouble (he said he felt like he was working in an ER, waiting for the doors to burst open!). We recently called for a sleep over hiatus because of the complexities and recovery time. Plus we anticipate invitations from homes we’re not too comfortable with.
As for the co-ed part with a 10 year old boy…most of the 10 year old boys in my son’s SMALL school (a group of about 6 kids) are not yet into the girls in any way other than friendship (my son is a startling exception). However, the girls of the same age are very aware of boys or of the idea of boyfriends. I know and like these girl a lot–they’re great kids–but I wouldn’t want to turn them loose with a bunch of “boyfriend” prospects! I don’t think too much would happen, but I think it is just not a situation the kids need at this age. And I don’t think it can be adequately supervised unless the parents are sleeping in the rooms too. So good call, I say!
February 8th, 2010 at 12:04 amThere’s a time and a place for co-ed sleepovers. It’s called College.
February 8th, 2010 at 4:15 am