There is a Reason a Tie is Like a Noose
February 6, 2010
Last night my 9yr old son has his third grade recital. An event which required dressing up in “fancy” clothes.
My 9 yr old, like most of his kind, hates dressing up. We have been having ongoing negotiations over what constitutes “fancy” clothes. Even though he told his music teacher that he owns no “fancy” clothes and that his family doesn’t believe in wearing “fancy” clothes, I told him that he was in fact going to be “fancy.”
I agreed to the dark jeans and sneakers in exchange for the button down shirt and blazer.
Then last night I snuck a tie into the mix. And it was then that the APOCALYPSE happened. A tie? A red tie? Clearly it was sent from Satan himself! And once it was on my son, why he turned into one of Satan’s fire spitting evil minions.
Duuude, it’s a tie. Not a live rattlesnake around your neck. said one of his brothers.
You just want to make me look stupid.
Yes that was my plan! Damn, foiled again!
You just hate me!
…
You just want me to look like.. like… like a gay retard!
A gay retard? What? I… I don’t even know what that looks like…
IT LOOKS LIKE THIS! LIKE THIS!
And Internet, I know I shouldn’t admit this. But I laughed. And his brothers laughed too.
Before anyone gets on me for the words “gay” and “retard,” know that I didn’t teach him those words. Nor are they permissable in my house. But I think we have all had the experience of being so angry or so frustrated that we literally can not think of any words to use to appropriately express our feelings. And “gay” and “retard” are the insults hurled around the schoolyard.
What he really wanted to say was “fucking douchebag” but he doesn’t know those words yet. Not to worry I am sure he will pick them up in the next year or so.
Don’t be fooled by his cool, collected appearance. Or his Fabio hair.
And here he is about to bang his drum. From the amount that he had spoken of the drumming I thought he was going to have a five minute long drum solo. Instead I think he banged the drum a handfull of times during a song. I captured it on video, but do not fear I will not share it. There are some things that only a parent can love. A third grade recital is one of them.
After the concert I commented on how cute all the girls looked dressed up. Most of the girls seemed to take the dressing up very seriously.
Girls are so weird, Mom.
How so?
They were all running around and making screaming noises about each others dresses. And then some of them were standing in a circle and they put one foot in the middle and were talking about their shoes.
The boys didn’t do that?
NO! Sheesh. We mostly talked about how stupid we looked in the stupid clothes our mothers made us wear.
…
You know what else was weird, Mom? The girls with straight hair made their hair all curly and the girls with curly hair made their hair all straight. Girls are so strange.
And a boy losing his mind over the prospect of wearing a tie is not strange. Not one little bit.
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I have similar fights with my daughter. She feels that leggings and her brother’s old, huge sweatshirt are appropriate wear to just about any event! I feel that it wouldn’t hurt to wear boots and a cute tunic instead. Isn’t it fun to be the grown up?
February 6th, 2010 at 11:07 amYour son is freakin’ adorable, btw, but don’t tell him I said so!
The differences in raising boys and girls is so vast sometimes!
February 6th, 2010 at 11:15 amHe does have a point though - about the girls and their hair… He’s one good-looking kid - tie or no tie!
February 6th, 2010 at 11:52 amSO cute! Don’t you love this age!
And I think the whole “girls changing the hair” to the hair you don’t naturally have is still going on here in my 30s….
February 6th, 2010 at 11:53 amI’m with your son on this one.
My husband once got in a schoolyard fight and was almost strangled by the other boy when he pulled on my husband’s tie. That was the last time he wore a tie, he was the only man who did not wear a tie at our wedding. At his memorial service in early December several men came up to me to say they almost skipped their ties in Rich’s honor, I wish they had.
February 6th, 2010 at 12:04 pmOddly, my 11yo son doesn’t mind dressing “nice” now and then. But he prefers a bow tie, because his 16yo brother has one. And anything the 16yo does must be super-cool, right?
Your son looks great. But now I have a song stuck in my head…”I don’t wanna work, I just want to bang on the drum all day…”
February 6th, 2010 at 12:33 pmThat first picture, with the sideswept hair? That boy looks like an Abercrombie model. I notice he’s not wearing the tie.
February 6th, 2010 at 12:51 pmOMG! He is so handsome (”really cute” but I know that’s not cool). You should get him into modeling, although I’m sure that would go over like a lead balloon. You could say that nerds (or other inappropriate terms) are not cool enough to model.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:04 pmI actually like the “hip” way his outfit transformed - no tie and sleeves rolled up.
I can’t believe girls start the comparison of looks so early. That is so sad!
Okay, I was crying laughing reading this! He looks adorable in his “fancy” clothes.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:05 pmso funny and so true.
i laughed at gay retard. i am a bad person.
what if your hair is half straight and half curly like mine? i have to do one thing or the other to it every.day. hate it.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:21 pmAh, what a beautiful kid!
February 6th, 2010 at 1:37 pmI have so much fun reading about your kids and knowing I don’t have to do that anymore! Ties, hair -straight, curly, long, short,not my problem anymore. Not even with the grandkids, not my problem, but sooo funny when it is written like you write it.
LOL!! My favorite line is this one: Duuude, it’s a tie. Not a live rattlesnake around your neck.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:57 pmOMG! I’m going to giggle about that one all day!!
Don’t worry, he will still freak out about the tie in the 6 grade for science fair…mine did, & when I took him to town to buy a tie, he had a fit! He said he would just borrow one of his Grandpa’s ties with the naked lady on the inside….
February 6th, 2010 at 1:59 pmI think I MUST have his twin that was separated at birth living in my house. My 3rd grade Son plays bass guitar and he thinks he needs the image of a Rock star 24/7.Button down shirts for special events are also for “gay retards” and wearing one will surely be the death of him. I had to be really FRANK with him (using words like dead grandfather in a box) about wearing a blazer and tie to a family members funeral because Rocker clothes would NOT cut it for that event. I love the post and the crimped hair on the blond girl is HILARIOUS!!!
February 6th, 2010 at 2:09 pmI’m sorry…the cuffs folded up over the sportcoat make him look like he just rolled off the set of Miami-Vice.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:10 pmOh, so funny. And he’s gorgeous, by the way. And while I winced at the words “gay, retard” I tend more on the unpolitically correct side (despite the fact that I have a child with very severe disabilities) — I always tell my sons that cursing is appropriate if you get really, really hurt, but I still can’t quite articulate how I feel about the word “retard” used in a derogatory way.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:10 pmHe has nice hair…
February 6th, 2010 at 2:24 pmI would have totally laughed too. My 13 year old daughter laughed too. She says that little boys just don’t get girls :). I wonder if the boys her age do yet? I highly doubt it, if we can’t understand men how can they understand us?
February 6th, 2010 at 2:29 pmHilarious! Girls and boys ae soooooooo different.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:42 pm“You know what else was weird, Mom? The girls with straight hair made their hair all curly and the girls with curly hair made their hair all straight. Girls are so strange.”
That’s going to have me smiling all afternoon.
February 6th, 2010 at 3:08 pmI feel your pain. Three of my six kids are boys, ages 10, 10 and 8. I am so familiar with the aversion to “fancy” clothing, it isn’t even close to funny. Our usual argument lands on Sunday morning when getting ready for church. Hard to go to service with very un-Christian-like thoughts of children.
February 6th, 2010 at 3:18 pmhe is just too cute for words.
yes, I love how guys act as if what they wear doesn’t matter, until you suggest something they find absolutely ridiculous.
February 6th, 2010 at 3:47 pmI laughed hard at this post - my middle son is sooo like this. Anything with a collar is the devil’s handiwork.
February 6th, 2010 at 4:04 pmAnd don’t even get started on the shoes.
Preparing for the band concert (middle school) this year was just not a lot of fun.
But, the older one and the youngest one? They don’t mind looking nice.
Who knows.
Looks like you came up with a cool-looking compromise. Is that a tie I see in the far upper right corner of the photo with the drum in it? Were many of the boys actually dressed up as ‘gay retards’ with ties?
My dress-up choice for my son was a neatly pressed Hawaiian shirt (we’re in CA) until he grew old enough to think it was a ‘gay retard’ way to dress-up.
Chris says: yes, there were actually boys dressed in suits. And I thought they looked absolutely adorable, but apparently that is just because I am an “old mother.”
February 6th, 2010 at 4:20 pmHe looks like he stepped off the page of a magazine. What a doll!
February 6th, 2010 at 4:22 pm
My five year old twins actually ASKED to get a tie for their preschool graduation. I think their teachers made it sound cool. After we put them on, all hell broke lose and there were major meltdowns and promises that if they would please wear them this ONE time I would never ask them to do it again. They looked so cute, and slightly miserable. I know what you mean.
February 6th, 2010 at 4:37 pmfantastic post. i know he is young and it is wrong for me to write this, but your son is quite attractive and could be a very successful child model. he looks like the boys Ralph Lauren uses in his advertising for kids stuff. i would love to grow my son’s hair that long, but Big Daddy is not a fan, which is so wrong since he was a skater and had long hair. great conversation about the girls and their hair. so true. i am always curling my straight hair for special occasions. take care.
February 6th, 2010 at 5:21 pmWow, those Texans know how to get gussied up!
Your boy looks great; very “formal” by my embarrassingly informal west coast standards.
February 6th, 2010 at 6:07 pmThe words gay retard are totally school yard! He looks just right–I love the care he put into his hair!
February 6th, 2010 at 7:07 pmHe seems to have made the shirt and jacket his own style…he does look adorable. Although I hate that he has better hair than me.
February 6th, 2010 at 7:48 pmwhen my son (10 in 4th grade) did is band concert at christmas (lutheran school..we still have christmas concerts..) he had to wear a tie (no tie required daily, just polo-like shirts and khakis) and he hated it. what i noticed most though is that the moms of the girls did not have the ‘keep your knees together’ talk as all the girls wore above the knee dresses… many a beaver was shot that night…
February 6th, 2010 at 8:52 pmHe is just so beautiful. I know I am supposed to say handsome but when I saw that picture all I could think was what a beautiful child he is.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:22 pmSchool yard or not…the word retard really needs to go away (difficult I know when adults are still using it). I have a 12 yr. old son with Down syndrome. In all honesty, I don’t think it would phase him to hear the word. It hurts me, his dad and his two younger sisters that adore him.
February 6th, 2010 at 10:13 pmWow - it is Fabio Hair - he’ll be on a shampoo advert next…(: Does his swish it Fabio syle out of his eyes?
February 6th, 2010 at 10:26 pmI think he looks great! The blazer was a good compromise.
Don’t tell him I said so. He would be so mad if he new how many moms were gushing over him right now.
And that hair….Do you know how much $ I would have to spend to make my hair look that youthful and healthy? It’s tough being an “old mother.”
February 6th, 2010 at 11:36 pmHe looked like a little stud
My daughter went to school the other day in some fancy clothes. I texted her teacher to let her know that I did not pick out the outfit. I notice he doesnt have the tie on….
February 6th, 2010 at 11:53 pmHahah - that was great! And your son looks better than my son has ever looked in his life!! And about the gay retard?? One time my oldest daughter made my son so mad, he was chasing her down the hall and cornerd her (he was probably 10, she was probably 15) and his face was bright red and he was spitting mad and she was LAUGHING - and he SPIT out - :”you bow wow wow wow beef jerky!!!” and then stomped off. It is now the insult of choice in our house hahahaha.
February 7th, 2010 at 12:34 amIn that first pic I swear he looks about 13!
February 7th, 2010 at 2:19 amHe is actually VERY perceptive! That is a skill, that if practiced, can help him in many differet ways in life. That is something that can’t be taught.
February 7th, 2010 at 2:35 amOMG he is just the cutest thing!! He pulls off “fancy” dressing very well and managed to make it look very “cool”.
February 7th, 2010 at 10:04 amHe wouldn’t look gay or retard if he cut his hair
February 7th, 2010 at 10:25 amI think he looks great. He has fantastic hair, that I suspect he inherited from his Mother!
I don’t think he needed a tie. And definitely not a full suit; aren’t they only for weddings?
February 7th, 2010 at 11:19 amI forgot to say that ‘retard’ is an incredibly offensive word in the UK; not playground talk at all (unlike gay.)
Interestingly I explained what gay actually means (& what it used to mean) recently to my 9 year old who has decided it makes her come across as stupid (as opposed to intelligent) if she uses it to describe anything that her friends could possibly be doing at school - since they are not using it to describe something that is joyful or happy!
Result!
February 7th, 2010 at 11:25 amVery handsome. Tie or no.
The rolled up sleeves cracked me up. And I love the Fabio hair. 
February 7th, 2010 at 12:01 pmThank you Kathy for sharing your comment. Made me cry.
Love the little girl with the crimped hair. So funny. Wonder what kind of battle that was.
February 7th, 2010 at 1:06 pmSuch a handsome young man you have there. He looks awesome and his personality is just adorable. Be ready when he turns into a teen, girls will go wiiiild crazy.
February 7th, 2010 at 3:40 pmHe looks super cute in his formal wear!
And, yes, girls are so weird with the screaming and straight hair curling, curly hair straightening. So weird.
Now excuse me while I go curl my hair. *sigh*
February 7th, 2010 at 4:04 pmHa Ha! He is such a Boy! And he looks very handsome in his gay, retarded clothes!
February 7th, 2010 at 11:34 pmWhen I’m getting Roo dressed for school he will tell me not to put a “handsome” shirt on him.
Good golly miss Molly!!! That is one handsome fella you’ve got there! Even without a tie. ROFL
February 8th, 2010 at 2:26 amThat child could/should be a model, but then again, all of your children are stunning and could all me models. No wonder you had so many!
February 8th, 2010 at 7:04 amHa, we just had a third grade chorus concert and I didn’t even TRY the tie thing, so you are way ahead of me there ^^
Karen
February 8th, 2010 at 8:50 amI don’t know how you do it - but you put it into EXACTLY the right words!!!!!
February 8th, 2010 at 11:41 amI loved this. It made me laugh so hard. He is so “fancy” in his cloths. Looks like an ad for children’s clothing. It is a daily struggle at our house for appropriate clothing choices. Thanks for sharing!!
February 8th, 2010 at 12:08 pmYou being an “old mother.” Bwahahaha! Sorry. I had something intelligent to say; it went out the window with your response above. Old mother. Sheesh.
February 8th, 2010 at 12:09 pmI think he looks GREAT! If he would have swapped he sneaks for some black casual shoes, I would tell all the ladies to look out. Perfect hair, perfect style - good thing he’s also got the “perfect” 9-year-old boy attitude or you’d really have to worry!
February 8th, 2010 at 2:12 pmHe is rocking that blazer and Fabio hair! And I agree with the others who said he (and all of your children) could be models. You made some great looking kids!!
February 8th, 2010 at 3:47 pmHe does seriously look like he could be in a Ralph Lauren ad. Pulling off the well dressed but not polished look quite well for a 3rd grader!
By the way, I would imagine that almost every single one of us, if not every one of us, has muttered something in our lifetimes that would be perceived as NOT p.c. No?
February 8th, 2010 at 4:41 pmI don’t know if your school does this but next year the fourth grade recital will be a recorder concert - a recorder that will have to be practiced - at your house. I made my two forth graders practice in the backyard so they neighbors could be tortured errr share in the joy as well.
Thankfully err Sadly last year, I was on bedrest and got to miss the real concert.
February 8th, 2010 at 9:03 pmHe looks fabulous, but he won’t know for a few years yet
I had to laugh at the sleeves pushed up…my son has informed me that this is the ‘must wear’ way to wear his hoodies….it bugs me that it stretches out the wrists, argh!!
February 9th, 2010 at 1:45 amI still can’t believe how model like he looks.
It’s hard to believe he could be anything other than angelic at all times!
February 9th, 2010 at 7:30 amI am always amazed at how perceptive the kids are -
by now I guess I shouldn’t be!
And your kid with no tie is so casually handsome - the hair, the clothes - he makes it look like an everyday occurance for him!
February 9th, 2010 at 12:48 pmWe go through this all the time! Glad I am not alone!
February 9th, 2010 at 1:54 pmhe looks like a mini J-crew model!
February 9th, 2010 at 3:08 pmHe is stunning. Gorgeous. He won’t appreciate these comments. Ever. But you will!
February 9th, 2010 at 4:51 pmi am now extremely sad that my son decided he wanted a fauxhawk and will not look all fabio like your son.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:49 pmOMG he is so cute with the jacket and the haircut.
February 9th, 2010 at 10:18 pmYou old? NO. Him Fabio, well…definitely has the hair and the face for it. He’s a looker.
February 9th, 2010 at 11:04 pmOkay, I love his “Fabio Hair” and his Abercrombie/J. Crew model outfit.
The brothers-in-law (they’re twins) had a great insult at that age. The MOST hurtful thing they could hurl around on their playground was to call someone a “Baby-head” … seriously. It was SO hard not to laugh! They would say it so seriously! And with such malice! Precious.
February 10th, 2010 at 9:33 amSooner or later, he’ll appreciate the fashion sense.
February 10th, 2010 at 11:54 amSmart kid to figure that our about girls that early. He’ll be a hit with them all in no time.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:47 pmToo bad he doesnt like fancy clothes..He has the looks to be a model.
He could do sports wear though.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:52 pmand girls STILL squeal as we get older. i love it.
your son has fantastic hair!
February 12th, 2010 at 1:16 am