Just When You Think You Are Getting a Hang of This Parenting Thing
February 11, 2010
I have been unpacking the last boxes in my garage. They seem to reproduce in the dark of night because as I go through them more boxes seem to take their place. Culling through junk that can be donated or thrown away. Getting honest with myself about what things I really need, or even want. It is a daunting task and I don’t even have much. I am a sort of the anti-hoarder, except when it comes to books. But that is a whole different post– my inability to get rid of books.
These are just some of the children’s books:
I need more bookcases. Or less books.
Last week I went through my closet. I easily got rid of half of my shoe collection. The fact that I am using the word collection should be a clue that I had too many. I got rid of pocketbooks, or purses as the rest of you kids under 85 yrs old call them. I was amazed at all the forgotten things that were left behind in those pocketbooks. I got rid of clothes that I like, but never wear. Evidently I don’t like them all that much.
This backstory is important to how the rest of the story unfolds.
*****
Mom, what’s BJ?
Um, what?
a BJ? What is that?
In my head in ten seconds:
Why is he asking me that?
Oh, God, do I have to answer that?
Where is that lightening bolt when you need it?
Can I just ignore him?
Maybe I can change the subject.
Isn’t he doing anything wrong that I can start yelling at him for? thereby changing the subject without him noticing?
Should I lie?
Should I tell the truth?
Sometimes when two grown-ups like each other a lot…
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
NO.
WHERE IS THAT BOLT OF LIGHTENING?
I feel sick.
Why is he still looking at me?
Oh, I know. I’ll ask more questions…
Well, what do you think a BJ is?
If I knew that I wouldn’t ask you.
Damn. That didn’t work.
Also, he is such a smart ass.
GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Why can’t I will my phone to ring?
Why? Why?
I will ask more questions!
Where did you hear this BJ thing?
I read it.
WTF is he reading these days?
Frog and Toad are REALLY GOOD Friends?
Kneel Down, Amelia Bedilia?
If You Give a Mouse …
Stop. Stop.
He whips something out from behind his back.
Ahahahahahahahahaha. I can not catch my breath.
It is a store. Remember it? Like Costco. Or WalMart.
Ooooh. I wondered what a BJ Club was. I thought a BJ was something you bought.
Ahahahahahahahahaha.
Hopefully not. I think that is only legal in some parts of Nevada.
What? Why is it funny?
Note to self: SHUT UP!
Hey, is that lightening I hear?
*****
(I forget sometimes that I update things on twitter (@chrisjordan) and never write them here. YES, my oldest son made the highschool baseball team. Thank you for all the crossed fingers. Hope they aren’t too cramped up after all this time.)
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Oh my hell, that is FUNNY.
February 11th, 2010 at 11:26 amHahahahaha! Love it! Don’t worry he will find out the other definition on the bus.
February 11th, 2010 at 11:47 amMy mother has a BJs membership and a few years ago decided to go on their website. She was a little surprized and by the types of websites that google recommended. It continues to be a family joke.
February 11th, 2010 at 11:48 amI want your bookcases. I also cannot get rid of books, they are the one thing that I collect with great ambition. You know if you ever want to give away books, I will gladly take them. {is it sad that the picture of books made me squeal with delight?}
February 11th, 2010 at 12:04 pmThat was one of the funniest things I’ve read in weeks!
February 11th, 2010 at 12:09 pmOh, that’s awesome! I’m glad you were saved at the last moment. And congrats to your son for making the bball team!
February 11th, 2010 at 12:33 pmI am sitting at my desk at work pretending to be working like a good employee, but really I am reading this post and cracking up OUT LOUD and all the people in the cubicles around me are poking their heads up like prairie dogs to see what is going on.
SIT BACK DOWN PEOPLE! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!
February 11th, 2010 at 12:35 pmAnother example of why procrastinating (even with replies!) can really pay off.
Well done.
February 11th, 2010 at 12:38 pmawesome!
thanks for today’s parenting lesson: always, ALWAYS ask for exact context before giving a touchy answer to an ambiguous question.
hahaha! I love it!
as for the question : less books or more bookcases? Definitely more bookcases. so says the 14 cartons full of books in my basement, patiently awaiting that I purchase bookcases for them :oD
seriously, do you know about bookmooch? it’s a website where you list the books you want to give away, and receive books you want for free - you only have to be willing to cover the costs for shipping your books to other members.
February 11th, 2010 at 12:40 pmIt’s a great way to get good books for only a few bucks!
What a scream! Glad you didn’t have to have “that” talk.
February 11th, 2010 at 12:46 pmCheck out bookmooch.com. It’s a site that lets you post books you want to get rid of. “Moochers” can request your book(s). You ship them via Media Mail and accumulate points so that you can “mooch” others’ books. I am using my points to “mooch” books for my granddaughter.
February 11th, 2010 at 1:12 pmNever again will I be able to read “Amelia Bedelia” without laughing hysterically. And for that matter…shop at BJ’s!
February 11th, 2010 at 1:15 pmOh my god that is so funny! Why is that store called that? Didn’t somebody tell them along the way that maybe that wasn’t the best name? Every time I tell my husband I’m going there he asks if he can come too.
February 11th, 2010 at 1:26 pmI would have loved to see the look on your face
February 11th, 2010 at 1:33 pmoh, how I feel your pain. I have been there too!
http://www.alimartell.com/index.php/2009/06/16/what-dinner-is-like/
thank goodness they aren’t asking about the REAL BJ, eh?
Chris says: Hahahaha. And yes, I wish someone had told me I could stuff them into boxes and keep them little.
February 11th, 2010 at 1:35 pmThank you so much for that laugh. I needed that. My baby boys are only 10 months old and I live in fear of those impending conversations. Frog and Toad…. too much.
February 11th, 2010 at 1:39 pmwow. i was on that rollercoaster with you. i wouldn’t know what to say either and my mind would’ve gone straight to the dirty place. our BJs went under. Costco killed it. take care.
February 11th, 2010 at 1:54 pmLOL, I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what “BJ” is… (reminded me of your dildo thingy about two or three BlogHer’s ago…) — thankfully I have figured this one out on my own!
Reminds me of the situation my cousin had when her 16 year old son took with a very serious question aside and asked: Mom, how old do you have to be for a BJ [he did not use the letters
] (and he did mean the REAL one!).
She just said: 30
February 11th, 2010 at 2:03 pmI needed that laugh today. I’m glad you waited so long before answering! I probably would not have waited….
February 11th, 2010 at 2:06 pmYou are the first person I’ve ever known to have more children’s books than me! And I thought I had a lot until I saw your photo in this post! Wow! I must show my husband, to prove to him that we don’t have all that many books!
February 11th, 2010 at 2:13 pmWow! I think you have more kids’ books than me! I didn’t think that was possible!
And BJ… BWAHAHAHA!!
February 11th, 2010 at 2:45 pmI was reading my husband your post and he says, “tell him it’s a store!” Little did I know that THAT’S what your son was referring to. How funny.
It definitely is a lesson on asking kids more probing questions to figure out what they are really asking about.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:16 pmI didn’t figure out what YOU thought a BJ was until the end of the oust. Ha!
February 11th, 2010 at 3:38 pmWhen I read the sentence, “Culling through junk that can be donated or thrown away” … I originally read the word “donated” as “detonated.” It struck me as odd, but I know how many boys you have and — having three of my own — I totally thought I had read it correctly. Then on second reading I self-corrected.
Great story.
February 11th, 2010 at 3:56 pmI love the aesthetically-pleasing look of an organized collection of books. The shelving is gorgeous! Any special way you have the collection organized - genre, age, etc.?
You can NEVER have too many books!
February 11th, 2010 at 4:06 pmDelurking to say I am having bookshelf envy. Mine are homemade and need replacing this year. LOVE the reaction to the question. I think I’d have been a puddle of blubbering goo on the floor for that one.
February 11th, 2010 at 5:32 pmWhat a hoot!!! Thanks for the laugh up here in snowy, cold Michigan!
February 11th, 2010 at 5:36 pmRock on.
February 11th, 2010 at 5:38 pmI can only imagine the look on your face!
Related to EH’s story about her mom … be advised that dicks.com is not the URL for Dick’s Sporting Goods. ☺
February 11th, 2010 at 5:45 pmJust read your tweet that your photos are gone, my husband “slaved” my drive when I thought all was lost…honestly, I am not sure what that means, but some computer geek..I mean “tech” near you may be able to help.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:19 pmAs for the books, you can never have too many. Even if your husband says 15 bookcases are enough, enough, enough. You just pile the books up all over the house till he realizes a new bookcase is needed.
As for the BJ question, it will ever be thus. A friend of mine told me when he was 9 years old in the ’40s, he was playing in the park and there were some teenage boys playing ball nearby. He came home and said to his dad (who was smoking his pipe and reading the newspaper), “So, Dad, what IS a c*cks*cker?” Dad handled it by saying he didn’t have any idea, now go play in your room.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:28 pmWhat a great story! We have the stores here, but it never occurred to me your son might be asking about the store name. I all I could think of is the fact that my sister-in-law has nicknamed her son “BJ” - and she seems to have no idea that the poor kid will be tormented when he goes to school . . .
February 11th, 2010 at 6:33 pmThat was great! Thanks for the laugh. A great way to end a very stressful day!
February 11th, 2010 at 6:45 pmahahahahahahaha! Awesome story.
And def get more shelves!
February 11th, 2010 at 7:00 pmWe like to go to BJs Brewery for happy hour only in part for the fun email invitation subject lines:
BJs Anyone?
Friday night BJs
BJs for Everyone!
Let’s all do BJs tonight
It never gets old!
February 11th, 2010 at 7:42 pmHow old is this son? The way he said ‘BJ Club’ at the end of the conversation makes me think he is yanking your chain. It certainly is funny no matter which way you look at it, lol!
Chris says: No, he wasn’t. He stumbled over the word “warehouse.” he is at that age where they are very into clubs and belonging to groups, so I think he was genuinely interested in what a BJ club was.
February 11th, 2010 at 7:53 pmWe have a BJs Club here. It took me until almost the end of your post to figure out what YOU thought of first LOL.
February 11th, 2010 at 9:05 pmTHANK YOU. THAT made my day. Kids make life awesome.
February 11th, 2010 at 9:56 pmAfter reading this to my hubby we started wondering what does BJ stand for in BJ’s Wholesale Club…and thanks to wiki now we know….”BJ stands for Beverly Jean, one of the owners daughters.” Just in case he asks again
February 11th, 2010 at 11:35 pmHeard a really cheesy joke but it reminded me of you. Maybe next time some dolt asks you about “all of your kids” you can use this -
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
February 12th, 2010 at 12:33 amAfter they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”
He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”
So I hate to bring up the possibility, but do you think maybe he was asking because he’s heard kids at school talk about BJ’s, and when he saw it on the card he figured you’d be able to tell him about it? Unless of course it was your littlest one asking, he’s not in school yet, right? Anyway. I taught 6th grade, and I can’t tell you how much that little acronym was used. Grr. Trying to get 6th graders to stop using certain words was like trying to stop rain from falling. But I felt like half of the kids who said it had no idea what they were actually saying, they just knew it was a cool and edgy term to throw into conversation. So I’m wondering (depending on which son this was) if he’s hearing it and really wants to know what it is and the card made it approachable but then you left it at that? Just a thought.
Chris says: No. I don’t think so. I think he was innocently reading the card. He is only in third grade.
February 12th, 2010 at 1:01 amoh my that is HILARIOUS.
February 12th, 2010 at 1:13 amHA HA HA - Pshew! My (now 13 yo) learned about real BJ’s in Scouts — it was his last year (long story, but only lots of talk, nothing happened…)
February 12th, 2010 at 2:29 amOh SO funny! Thank goodness it was just the store! ACK.
February 12th, 2010 at 9:31 amI remember asking my mom that question b/c in middle school (we called it jr. high) the boys called one of the girls that. I was both horrified and a little jealous that she got all that attention - even tho I knew it was bad attention… Glad you got off the hook - this time;)
February 12th, 2010 at 10:24 amYou really are a fabulous writer. So funny.
February 12th, 2010 at 5:51 pmI was giggling from the first “what’s BJ”, you poor thing. My son’s best friend, the only son of a very young single mother who was still dating, told my son all about BJ’s! He’d heard about them from his mothers latest boyfriend and passed the information on to all his 4th grade classmates!
February 12th, 2010 at 6:27 pmThat question doesn’t really leave much room for ‘just give them a little info at a time’ does it?
This post reminds me that I am always taken aback for a moment when I see the book ‘BFG’ by Roald Dahl…because now, of course, I always see Big F*%#ing…instead of Big Friendly Giant.
Your book cases are so pretty - I would fill them too.
February 13th, 2010 at 4:50 pmThat is HILARIOUS!
February 14th, 2010 at 2:20 pmHee! Classic!
Where ARE those damn bolts of lightning when we need them, huh?
February 17th, 2010 at 5:53 am