My Naughty Child

April 30, 2010

I wrote this over five years ago. It is now hidden deep in the archives. The paint on the car incident made me think of posting it again. To answer the questions, yes it is washable paint (I think!?) and no, I have not washed it off yet.

I have driven around with the handprints on the front of the van. I like to think it brightens the day of all the other parents, or at the very least makes them feel a little bit superior about their parenting skills. Because their kids? Would NEVER do something like that.

But then again, neither would mine.

*****

Not Me

I have a child
who is so bad
He makes me yell.
He makes me mad.

I hear him running on the stairs,
But when I look, there’s no one there.
He scatters toys across the lawn.
He sets alarms to ring at dawn.

He skips and bounces down the hall.
He knocks the pictures off the wall.
He takes the cushions off the couch.
He spits chewed food out of his mouth.

He jumps upon my just made beds.
He cuts the hair from toddlers’ heads.
He peels wallpaper from the walls.
He loses every. single. ball.

He picks the heads off all the flowers,
and turns the hose on them full power.
He leaves it running in the grass,
to make mud puddles in which to splash.

He tracks the dirt across the floors.
He paints with mud upon the doors.
He digs up flowers in the yard.
He bends his brother’s baseball cards.

He writes on walls with colored pens
And then he leaves the tops off them.
He pees on walls,
and floors and sinks.

It’s he who made the fart that stinks.

He tosses clothes around the room.
and mixes toys in with them too.
He fills his pockets up with sand,
and gum, and rocks, and rubberbands.

I find them later in the wash
sometimes stuck to clothes and socks

He is to blame for many wrongs,
not putting things where they belong:
The corner has a welcome mat,
a balled up towel, a coat, a hat,
some rocks, some sticks, a spoon, some glue,
a cup that has ants…
or at least it used to.

The soap he breaks in little bits.
And on the mirror, he always spits.
The expensive shampoo he likes to waste.
He paints the sink with blue toothpaste.

On all the jeans he rips the knees.
He pulls the branches off the trees.
Expensive tools he likes to borrow
He’ll return them… tomorrow

I confess sometimes I have to yell,
“Who DID this? Who? You must tell!”

I question children one by one,
“Did you do this?”
“I’m not the one.”

“Mommy, you must believe,
that’s not something done by me.”

“If not you, who could it be?”
The answer always is,

“Not Me.”

Not Me, Not Me, what a naughty child,
so destructive and so wild.
But I tell you, he is clever
I have never seen him. Never.

I might rethink my spanking stance,
And get him on the seat of his pants.
If I could catch him in the act,
I’d give his bottom several whacks.

But really I wish
That he’d just go.
And take his sidekick,
Ida Know.

They Are Lucky They Are Cute

April 29, 2010

I went outside this afternoon and saw this scene.

I didn’t do it, Mom.

Notice her paint covered hand hanging at her side.

That isn’t my hand print. That hand doesn’t even have a thumb!

Well, I don’t know everything!

Well, hello there

April 27, 2010

I have been busy. Doing… stuff. Actually I have no idea what I have been doing that has kept me away from here.

Though when I look over at my twitter account and rack my memory, it seems that I have:

celebrated my daughter’s birthday
went to a birthday party at the minor league baseball field
went to four different youth baseball games
took the kids to the pool
went to another kid birthday parrty
celebrated my daughter’s birthday again
went to the grocery store THREE times and still managed to forget to buy bread
filled up the gas tank in the car THREE times yet never got farther than 5 miles from my home
went out to Bar-B-Q with Miles
thought today was Thursday, when in fact it is only Tuesday

And then I made this. And it was good.

Last week I made this. It was also good.

You know what the two recipes have in common? They both have the word EASY in the title. Because that is about all I have time for these days.

Related only because of the inner workings of my crazy brain… my kids are watching Nikelodeon and that Miranda Cosgrove song that plays every single commercial is stuck in my head. It is so bad I am considering stabbing myself in the ear with a screwdriver.

My Girl

April 22, 2010

I bought her this little necklace for her birthday yesterday.

I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that my daughter has turned seven years old. JUST. CAN’T. DO. IT.

My Heart

April 19, 2010

When you are a child you have no idea how much of your adulthood is going to be spent doing errands. Or that you will utter the word “errands” so many times that it doesn’t even sound like a real word anymore. Several times a week I find myself having to go out and do one of the million thankless errands that I would gladly pay someone else to do should I ever win the lottery.

Miles hates errands. His knees buckle at the very mention of the word. Unless I say we are going someplace that sells donuts. Then he runs out the door as fast as possible.

The other day we were going on a donut errand (what he calls running errands that hold the promise of a donut at the conclusion) and Miles ran outside ahead of me. When I came out the front door, he held this little heart shaped leaf up to me.

Look! I found your heart!

Silly me, I didn’t even know it was missing. I thought he always had it in the palm of his hands.

Face Painting Gone Wrong

April 17, 2010

We were at a neighborhood block party today when this happened.

I am not really sure what Miles wanted to be painted as, but if Smurfette and the Joker had a baby together, I am pretty sure this is what it would look like:

One of Those Days

April 16, 2010

You know those sort of days when nothing seems to go right? I had one of those days.

I had to sign my son’s permission slip to take a sex education class. I could not find any pens or pencils in the house. I had to sign it with a crayon.

The sex education class? Teaches abstinence only. I believe they are calling it Worth the Wait. But what if they decide that middle school was waiting long enough? Really, Texas? No bananas and condoms? What exactly are they going to teach? We all know how well Nancy Reagan’s Just Say No to drugs campaign went.

*****

I have been craving cinnamon roasted nuts ever since I bought them at Whole Foods when I was at SXSW. This week I ran out of my gluten free bread AND pretzels and decided that a trip to Whole Foods was in order. And while I was there I would buy some of those delicious, yet wildly expensive cinnamon roasted cashews. I was giddy with anticipation.

There are two Whole Foods near me. One is downtown (the one I went to when I was at SXSW) and a bit more of a drive and there is more traffic and people and I hate those things. So I went to the closer, yet smaller, Whole Foods.

They did not have the nuts. I briefly contemplated driving to the other Whole Foods, but decided that was just ridiculous.

As an aside, want to know how to feel like a total hippie poser in Whole Foods? Bring along your 5yr old who loudly insists he wants you to buy him Spaghetti-O’s. Over and over and over again at increasingly loud volumes. And when you tell him they don’t sell Spaghetti-O’s at this store, have him start demanding soda. The God’s honest truth is that he has had Spaghetti-O’s once and didn’t like them and I can’t recall the last time he had soda. Not that anyone shopping in the Whole Foods would believe me.

*****

I went into Old Navy. The kids needed some new summer clothes. Though I only ended up finding things for my daughter who really doesn’t need any new clothes since she refuses to grow. Before anyone asks, she has been to the doctor who has proclaimed her perfect and healthy, just very petite. She has been clinging to the bottom of the growth chart since birth. I am just hoping she hits 40lbs by the time she goes to the prom or she’ll be taking her carseat along. I’m sure her date would love that.

But who can resist a blue tulle skirt and sparkly blue sneakers? Not me. I am weak.

After I paid I realized that tomorrow begins their annual 20% off stuff your bag sale. And nope they won’t price adjust if I come in tomorrow.

Every year. EVERY YEAR.

I should just return it all.

Except that I know I won’t. I can’t quit Old Navy and it’s poorly made sweat shop clothing. None of their stuff ever fits me right and it all falls apart after one season, yet I continue to be lured in. I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, I am Old Navy’s bitch.

And a crazy one at that because I bought a bikini top. But not the bottoms. Why? Because they were so damn SMALL. I think they would better fit my daughter. So what exactly am I planning on wearing with the top? I really don’t know yet.

Updated to add by popular demand:

The tulle skirt and sparkly sneakers.

My daughter eating the remnants of her lunch. Why? Because I am making chicken for dinner. I turned on the oven, set the timer, and returned 45 minutes later to the kitchen to discover the chicken sitting on the counter.

Caption: It’s Wednesday and I am Tired

April 14, 2010

I was talking to a friend yesterday about the amount of photos that I take. I think if you are not a compulsive photographer it is difficult to grasp the idea of taking thousands of photos a year. I mean, who has a life that is THAT interesting.

I take a lot of throw away photos, especially with my iPhone. Sometimes I take a picture in a dressing room and send it to Susan for her approval. Many times I take a picture and post it on twitter because it isn’t something worthy of a full post. Truth be told it often isn’t even worth 140 characters, not that I let that stop me.

Last night I took this photo:

The caption in my head: My time at the baseball field is equally divided between the bleachers, the snack bar, and here. Here being the restroom.

Sometimes I take a photo because it makes me laugh. In my head I captioned this one, Where the dumb blondes from highschool end up working.

This one I took at the baseball field at 7am last Saturday. See the hot air balloons in the distance? I really want to go on a ride in one of them. It is captioned in my head: Adding this to the life list.

My child walking down the sidewalk wrapped in his monkey towel. This one is captioned: You just don’t see that everyday.

I even take pictures of people taking pictures of my kid. Caption: I have a sickness.

The man with the tattoo spelled wrong. I felt like I had walked into the People of Walmart website. Word of unsolicited advice, if you are going to have something permanently put on your body you might want to make sure it is spelled correctly. Those silent letters can be tricky! On his other arm he had tattooed “ENVY” I don’t pretend to understand. Caption in my head said in my Barbie voice: Spelling is hard.

How we kill time at the Nike Outlet store while waiting for my 15 yr old to pick out clothes. Caption: I think we might die here. Please send snacks.

I’m not sure what this photo was about. Caption: My son knew how to tie his shoes at 15

The grocery list my daughter made for me last week. The phoenetic spelling KILLS me. Not to mention the things she put on the grocery list where actual items we needed. Caption: Yes, we NEED donuts.

Speaking of my daughter, isn’t this exactly how you come downstairs at 6am?

Caption: Hey I am barely awake so I think I shall slide down the stairs head first on my stomach!

Moral of the story. If I am around you I can not promise that I won’t photograph you, your shoes, your lunch, the view out your car window… Or my favorite, make you pose so that I can surreptitiously photograph a stranger behind you.

Weekend Snapshots

April 13, 2010

My baby waiting for his team picture to be taken.

He was wholly uncooperative. I scowled at him. I did that whisper-yell thing. I begged. I pleaded.

I finally offerred him $1 to buy bubblegum if he would just look at the damn camera and smile already.

The other parents laughed and one said that they should all be taking notes from me since I am obviously the parenting expert. I told them the truth. They should have taken the notes right around kid 4. That was when I was at my parenting peak. Now? I am all about just getting through the day with all of us still sane. And if that means using bribery, so be it.

Yet Another Reason Why I Am Not an Athlete

April 10, 2010

Ooooooof.