My Naughty Child
April 30, 2010
I wrote this over five years ago. It is now hidden deep in the archives. The paint on the car incident made me think of posting it again. To answer the questions, yes it is washable paint (I think!?) and no, I have not washed it off yet.
I have driven around with the handprints on the front of the van. I like to think it brightens the day of all the other parents, or at the very least makes them feel a little bit superior about their parenting skills. Because their kids? Would NEVER do something like that.
But then again, neither would mine.
*****
Not Me
I have a child
who is so bad
He makes me yell.
He makes me mad.
I hear him running on the stairs,
But when I look, there’s no one there.
He scatters toys across the lawn.
He sets alarms to ring at dawn.
He skips and bounces down the hall.
He knocks the pictures off the wall.
He takes the cushions off the couch.
He spits chewed food out of his mouth.
He jumps upon my just made beds.
He cuts the hair from toddlers’ heads.
He peels wallpaper from the walls.
He loses every. single. ball.
He picks the heads off all the flowers,
and turns the hose on them full power.
He leaves it running in the grass,
to make mud puddles in which to splash.
He tracks the dirt across the floors.
He paints with mud upon the doors.
He digs up flowers in the yard.
He bends his brother’s baseball cards.
He writes on walls with colored pens
And then he leaves the tops off them.
He pees on walls,
and floors and sinks.
It’s he who made the fart that stinks.
He tosses clothes around the room.
and mixes toys in with them too.
He fills his pockets up with sand,
and gum, and rocks, and rubberbands.
I find them later in the wash
sometimes stuck to clothes and socks
He is to blame for many wrongs,
not putting things where they belong:
The corner has a welcome mat,
a balled up towel, a coat, a hat,
some rocks, some sticks, a spoon, some glue,
a cup that has ants…
or at least it used to.
The soap he breaks in little bits.
And on the mirror, he always spits.
The expensive shampoo he likes to waste.
He paints the sink with blue toothpaste.
On all the jeans he rips the knees.
He pulls the branches off the trees.
Expensive tools he likes to borrow
He’ll return them… tomorrow
I confess sometimes I have to yell,
“Who DID this? Who? You must tell!”
I question children one by one,
“Did you do this?”
“I’m not the one.”
“Mommy, you must believe,
that’s not something done by me.”
“If not you, who could it be?”
The answer always is,
“Not Me.”
Not Me, Not Me, what a naughty child,
so destructive and so wild.
But I tell you, he is clever
I have never seen him. Never.
I might rethink my spanking stance,
And get him on the seat of his pants.
If I could catch him in the act,
I’d give his bottom several whacks.
But really I wish
That he’d just go.
And take his sidekick,
Ida Know.
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Classic when I read it the first time - still a classic.
April 30th, 2010 at 10:51 amI’m pretty sure you wrote this about my son. I’m sure of it actually. Word. for. word.
April 30th, 2010 at 11:17 amBwahhahaha!! Indeed!
April 30th, 2010 at 11:26 amHa! That’s so funny that you left the hand prints on the car. I think you should leave them forever. My cat walked in paint and then across my floor and I left it there and I always loved looking at the little cat prints trailing from one side of the room to the other.
April 30th, 2010 at 1:50 pmi have a few little ditties like that. and do you remember, that classic family circus cartoon strip where when the parents are asking who did something, the artist drew ghosts named “not me” and “ida know”, hanging out behind the children? perfect. lastly, how’s that mullet-ish cut growing out for you? mine is nearly looking normal again, with the layers heading south of my ear now. almost like it’s intentional. almost.
April 30th, 2010 at 2:43 pmI love the last 2 lines. We have that sidekick here, too. And if I ever find her, there will be lots of explaining to do.
April 30th, 2010 at 2:44 pmMine are being awful today….Thank you I needed a smile.
April 30th, 2010 at 4:38 pmLol…I remember reading that when you first wrote it. Still makes me laugh!
April 30th, 2010 at 10:26 pmOh Chris, I LOVE this. It should be in a Shel Silverstein book, it’s that genius! Thanks for [re] sharing
May 1st, 2010 at 4:40 pmIt would make me feel better to see you with the paint handprints on your car, but it’s because my kids would TOTALLY do that! I love the poem! So perfect!
May 1st, 2010 at 9:29 pmMy mother used to quote Mr Nobody to us: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poem.html?id=171645
He’s a regular at our house STILL.
May 3rd, 2010 at 10:58 amEXCELLENT!
May 4th, 2010 at 5:58 amThank u every1for being a part of my life 1 way or the other via Twitter. I have met some really cool peeps on here & Im grateful for that
May 5th, 2010 at 7:56 amI still love this.
May 8th, 2010 at 11:59 pmI love it!
May 10th, 2010 at 9:40 am