Perfectionism
December 19, 2011
The main problem with being a perfectionist is that nothing is ever good enough. So many times I have an idea in my head of something I want to do, but once I begin if it doesn’t come out the way that I have envsioned in my head I give up. Or even more typical of me, I don’t start because the conditions to start are not perfect.
I have a backlog of post ideas in my head, things I wanted to write about but didn’t. And now I find myself in that stuck position of if I write about this thing without going back to write about the other things I will never write about the other things because it will be out of chronological order. Welcome to the crazy in my brain. As if finally writing about Christmas will make perfect sense sometime in July.
So I am just going to have to jump back in.
And what is making me jump back in? What is so profound that I have to write about?
The mother-fucking Elf on the Shelf, that’s what.
It was bad enough when my daughter came home from school teling me about two of her friends that had their own elf and how she wanted an elf too. And how her friend had emailed someone–Santa? Elf headquarters? book publisher? I have no idea– to tell “them” to send an elf to our house. I ran around and finally found an elf of our very own. Oh, it was so exciting that first morning when my two youngest discovered him hanging upside down on our chandelier.
My oldest son had no idea about the elf. He was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee, playing with his phone, trying to ignore his little brother and sister who were standing on the table examining the elf. My daughter turned to me and said, “Mom, our elf looks kind of like… a doll! And why doesn’t he have feet?”
My 17 year old shot me a look that said, “What the hell is going on?!?” A little while later he came up to me, “I am so confused. What does she think it is?”
I explained the whole thing to him. He was horrified by how creepy the whole idea is. It is no longer enough that Santa is somehow watching you from afar. Now there is an elf in your house keeping tabs on you. He is glad that the elf wasn’t around when he was little, because he would surely have been traumatized. But don’t for a moment let that make you think that he hasn’t though up completely inappropriate and frightening things for the elf to do in order to terrify his siblings. Things like trapping him in a blender with red food coloring splashed everywhere, or setting him inside of a bowl of jello, or suspending the elf in their bedrooms right above their heads so when they wake up they see his creepy elf face right in front of theirs.
In another 15 years psychiatrists everywhere will owe a good part of their living to the Elf on the Shelf.
We have renamed our elf, Stalker Elf. His eyes seem to follow you everywhere.
But probably the most annoying part is that my daughter insists on writing the Elf long letters every day asking him tons of questions. Questions which I have to then answer in my “fancy elf script” Also, trying to figure out new places for him to sit that are not in danger of being touched by anyone. My oldest son also had the idea of the elf laying across all of the wii remotes.
My daughter spread the Elf on the Shelf love to our friend and neighbor. She texted me, “What is the deal with this bloody elf my daughter says your daughter said is going to come to our house now?” I welcomed her to the cult of parents who bolt upright in bed in the middle of night remembering they forgot to move the elf.
Here is a gratuitous photo of our elf. They make me take his photo every morning. It is sad that I have more photos of the elf than I do of my children this holiday season. But I still have not replaced my real camera.
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Wondered where you went—held hostage by an elf!
December 19th, 2011 at 5:12 pmIts things like this that make me thankful my 3 yr old daughter hasn’t fallen for the Santa crap!
December 19th, 2011 at 5:14 pmYeah, these things creep me out!!!
December 19th, 2011 at 5:21 pmHa! I call ours the m-fing elf too! And I,too, had to answer letters in the fancy elf script. My daughter asked if she could contact him in the summer. Um, NO!
December 19th, 2011 at 5:40 pmAnd what’s with the families whose elves bring gifts and candy? What the hell, people! I told my daughter that we didn’t have the gift-giving kind of elf
LMAO! @ “I welcomed her to the cult of parents who bolt upright in bed in the middle of night remembering they forgot to move the elf.” so true, so true
December 19th, 2011 at 5:45 pmWe, too, have the Elf, but I think it’s pointless. It doesn’t seem to improve my kids’ behavior one bit. I did read this very funny blog post though and agree with it 100%, except for maybe the punching in the throat part.
December 19th, 2011 at 5:46 pmhttp://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.blogspot.com/2011/12/over-achieving-elf-on-shelf-mommies.html
Wow. I’ve managed to escape this particular seasonal hell. Creepy!
December 19th, 2011 at 7:06 pmI KNOW what you mean. I have shot up in THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT before because I forgot to move the stupid elf! I thought it was such a great idea in November. Now I wish Christmas would come already so I can stop having to come up with stunts for the elf to do every. single. morning. Thankyouverymuch.
December 19th, 2011 at 8:54 pmclassic post from you! I refuse to do the elf thing - a couple of my kids have asked but not with the zeal your daughter has, so I’ve slid past that one…so far! I find the whole thing creepy - they even had a Christmas special about the thing (I didn’t tell my kids about it)
Just think, in a few years when they realize the elf isn’t real (seriously, are kids that gullible to believe it really comes alive??? sooo creepy) your family will have the best time ever coming up with evil ways to pose that elf.
Oh, and just give your daughter a message - they actually sell CLOTHES for the elf (including a skirt? is he transgender?) at Barnes and Noble!
December 19th, 2011 at 8:54 pmWe have an elf to, although ours is a retro girl elf because I didn’t have $30 to spend on a toy and ebay had cheaper elfs. My kids don’t get the no touching thing though, because someone else in the house moves her probably more often than I do. And when I put her high enough no one can reach her, she stays there for 3 days because that’s apparently the kind of mom I am too.
December 19th, 2011 at 9:07 pmOh God, I still cannot stop laughing! I dragged the older two kids in here to read this…and now I’m afraid I’ve given them too many ideas…Glad to see I’m not the only warped person out there who takes photos of what the naughty little elf is up to. One is titled “The Elf on a hot date with the Abominable Snowman”….
December 19th, 2011 at 9:08 pmI cannot tell you how thankful I am that the damn elf was not around when my kids were at that age. CREEPY.
December 19th, 2011 at 9:38 pmAnd I was so happy to see you post again. Alpha mom just isn’t the same as here!
LOL, “Fancy Elf Script” ! Isn’t there a computer font for that??
December 19th, 2011 at 9:45 pmmy sisters do this elf thing… i refuse! i have a hard enough time remembering the tooth fairy is supose to come!! LOL! they have had the elf turn the milk green, sit in the toaster oven, and there is even a website for ideas. way to much for me!! i wish you elf luck though!! have a great holiday!!!
December 19th, 2011 at 10:06 pmLuckily my kids haven’t figured out the elf on the shelf thing. I am praying that they don’t.
December 19th, 2011 at 10:10 pmMy son started kindergarten this year and learned about the damn elf. He wanted one and since my mother was visiting, he got one. Now, I have one more thing that I have to do. I am anti-elf, but grudgingly move the creepy thing around my house everyday. Our elf’s name is Nibbles.
Do you have some great idea of how I can explain the angel tree kids to my 5 year old? I had him help me shop for our Christmas kid saying that his mom and dad couldn’t afford to buy him any presents, but I could see his questioning like..why wouldn’t Santa just bring him his gifts. I don’t know how to explain that.
And I’m glad you jumped back in!
December 19th, 2011 at 10:24 pmHilarious. We also belong to the Elf cult. Don’t worry about being perfect. Glad to see you’re back!
December 19th, 2011 at 10:55 pmCompletely agree. Though I have known about this phenomenon for years, I have purposely not bought one for my kid because, let’s face it, I can’t even figure out how to come up with enough tiny items to fill up the advent calendar box-thingy - and that can be done ahead of time.
You will definitely need to check out these Elf on a Shelf ideas. Kid-friendy, and not.
http://www.lilblueboo.com/2011/12/more-almost-r-rated-elf-on-the-shelf-outtakes.html
December 19th, 2011 at 11:29 pmThat’s a really creepy-looking elf. We’ve managed to avoid him so far. We’re too busy with our own fun traditions, like our annual Christmas plague.
December 19th, 2011 at 11:37 pmOMG, here in Florida my daughters elementary school has one in every class and that thing just creeped me out!! And she wants one, but I really had to put my foot down, I don’t think I would of been able to sleep at night with that thing in my house! The last day of class her teacher actually hung it from the ceiling, to be honest I think she just wanted to lynch the darn thing lol
December 20th, 2011 at 12:34 amOh, thank God that my children, now sixteen, thirteen and ten, have passed beyond the ages of elves. The little one still believes in Santa Claus (or has decided to believe), but no diabolical elves will be visiting our home. It was wonderful and refreshing to read your version of this commercial suck.
December 20th, 2011 at 3:18 amLove you! Please write more often!
December 20th, 2011 at 3:27 amI’d rather have Mr. Hankey visit my house than that fookin’ psychotic looking elf.
December 20th, 2011 at 7:03 amHoly crap… that thing is creepy! So glad my kids are too old for that tradition!
December 20th, 2011 at 7:30 amWe have an elf too. My sister-in-law gave him to my youngest a couple of years ago. Love my SIL, *hate* that damn elf. He makes me want to drink.
December 20th, 2011 at 8:31 amI am THRILLED my kids don’t know about this stupid creature. There is no way I would move this creepy thing every night.
December 20th, 2011 at 9:40 amI am so glad that we celebrate Hanukkah! No dang elves!
December 20th, 2011 at 10:10 amYep, we have an elf, too, and I am so familiar with the middle of the night realization I forgot to move the elf. Wait til yours falls off of something and you have to use kitchen tongs or oven mitts to put him back in place.
December 20th, 2011 at 10:13 ami need a stalker elf. This trend hasn’t hit maine yet. Damn I could freak my teens out with that thing.
As it is, i dont even have a tree. stalker elf would be enough.
December 20th, 2011 at 11:55 amWhen my kids first heard about this elf, I told them that we didn’t need one to keep an eye on everyone, as all of our Christmas decorations have “Santa cams” in them to constantly monitor activity. Of course that meant the Christmas candles and towels had to come out of the bathrooms….
December 20th, 2011 at 12:30 pmSo glad you jumped back in! I’ve missed your entries! Merry Christmas!
December 20th, 2011 at 1:47 pm…this is why I *heart* you
December 20th, 2011 at 2:19 pmDamn Elf. My 6 year old said that he was going to have to report our elf to santa because he hasn’t moved all weekend. I told him he was lucky that he hadn’t moved because he would get coal for sure. I am sure George will cause me to need to take my xanex before this is over.
December 20th, 2011 at 2:31 pmAh, the Elf. I’d never heard of it until two years ago when my daughter came home from 2nd grade telling us all about the crazy things the Elves at school were doing. Things like throwing papers on the floor, and hiding books, and tying up one of the teachers while they were at recess! She was terrified of that stupid thing, and I wasn’t able to convince her fully that year that he wassn’t real. Even this year, she’s asked me every few days if I’m sure that it’s the parents doing the elf tricks and not the elf himself.
December 20th, 2011 at 2:54 pmI don’t want one in my house. It reminds me of the clown doll from the movie Poltergeist. You know the one that comes alive and attacks the kid….
December 20th, 2011 at 3:49 pmI refuse to be taken to the dark side of the elf.
December 20th, 2011 at 5:11 pmThe best one I saw was of the elf on a toilet seat one morning with three chocolate hershey kisses (unwrapped) in the toilet bowl looking like the elf pooped in the toilet. This gal’s little one actually rinsed off the pieces of “poop” and ate them and her mom about threw up. LOL
December 20th, 2011 at 5:48 pmHe looks like one of the Rice Krispies guys on the cereal box.
A friend of mine has an elf for her kids. The other morning she placed it on the toilet and threw some Hershey’s Kisses in the toilet to make it look like Elf poop. When she woke up, her kids said they found the elf on the toilet and said he poops chocolate. Friend asked them if they flushed the toilet. Kids replied, “yes, but we first rinsed off the chocolate and ate it!” EEEWWWWW!!
December 20th, 2011 at 8:12 pmI never heard of the elf, and I’m happy it didn’t happen when I had young kids. Crazy.
December 20th, 2011 at 9:16 pmGlad to see you are back. Good luck with your visitor. He does seem a little creepy - maybe you can put a pair of sunglasses on his face - you know, to protect his eyes from the glare of the lightbulbs, sun and pointy objects.
December 21st, 2011 at 12:54 amOurs was named Elfis and Elfis still lives in his box deep in my closet because my 4 year old twins are TERRFIED of him. They call hime the Santa cop, and pointed out that it’s really “stary” for little people with superpowers & costumes to sneak around your house while you’re sleeping. I agreed & he didn’t make an appearance this year. I should have anticipated it though because they were both equally freaked out by the “Hero Doll” that the sweet lady at church made for them with their deployed dads photo printed on the doll. 2-D Daddy was NOT the comfort he was supposed to be!
December 21st, 2011 at 1:24 amH*** NO! We ain’t havin’ no elf in my house. Really…I saw his eyes move!
December 21st, 2011 at 2:00 amMy daughter found out about the elf at church many years ago. She, too, was mad that we didn’t have one. So I got one and it lasted 3 days before she announced that it was “weird” that he moved around our house at night and did I think Santa would be mad if he went back to the NOrth Pole, like, now? Nope, fine by Santa!
December 21st, 2011 at 2:57 amWrite in backwards order. That way if anyone misconstrues or fails to understand, you can say, “You’ll get it at the end. Or the beginning.”
That is one creepy looking Elf. Thank god they don’t have them in Italy.
December 21st, 2011 at 8:36 amSo good to know my suffering isn’t alone . .
December 21st, 2011 at 8:46 amso glad you are back!
December 21st, 2011 at 11:01 amthat thing is the creepiest and most inane objwect ever. I work for a retail company and we sell THOUSANDS of them every year. I don’t understand it. Seeing how many walk out the door, it’s refreshing to know there are others who share my dislike.
December 22nd, 2011 at 1:23 amOur elf is invisible but just as much a pain in the butt. He leaves — or is supposed to leave (yes, I’ve bolted up in the middle of the night) — a velcro thingy to stick on the Christmas coutdown calendar. Sometimes he leaves a treat or a note. The elf script (as differentiated from the Santa script, the Tooth Fairy script and the Easter bunny script) takes forever. This year, my daughter left a note asking “Elf 77″ his favorite color, movie, song and about 45 other categories. Elf 77 simply wrote back “Classified info.” How much time does she think this elf has?
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:22 amoh shit. i forgot to move that effing elf last night.
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:39 amI want to know when your oldest starts his own blog as he may be as funny as you. Can’t stop laughing about the Wii remotes, its genius! My sister’s elf only moves when the kids are naughty, nice would be my lazy way out. I feel your pain though, thanks to my MIL - maybe she doesn’t love me after all.
December 22nd, 2011 at 10:20 amOur elf doesn’t move, he just sits on a shelf by the TV watching them. I threaten to tell him whenever they are being bad and it works.
December 22nd, 2011 at 4:50 pmI told my son who is 20 about the Elf on the shelf and he said it would have freaked him out. Like the clown on Poltrigiste (sp?) LOL
I’m freaking glad I didn’t have to deal with it. I was tempted to get it for some people with little kids in the house I work with. But, I was nice and did not.
Merry Christmas!
December 22nd, 2011 at 7:00 pmJackie
This is our 3rd Christmas with an elf. My middle daughter was in 1st grade, and came home from school telling us all about this elf in her classroom, how cute and funny he is, and how she really hopes we get an elf. And there began this little frenzy of will we get one? Have we been good enough to get one? Getting her sisters involved in the search for one every morning, only to be disappointed. So one night, she went to bed absolutely convinced one was going to show up that night. So I had the frantic trip to the bookstore at 10:00 trying to get one before they closed. She was so happy! But then the other day, we saw the teacher who introduced us to this tradition, and my daughter asked how “Squinky” was doing this year, and the teacher stared at her blankly and asked, “Who’s Squinky?” W.T.H?
December 23rd, 2011 at 10:05 amWhew! Thankfully the elf hasn’t shown up in our neck of the woods!
December 23rd, 2011 at 2:20 pmSO glad you are back….I’m in the same boat. Many ideas yet do I bother bloggin’ about it now (a million hours after the fact).
I, too, am creeped out by the ELF and am thrilled my youngest is 7 and not one of them has mentioned the dreaded Elf. It’s a spin-off of the Elf on a Shelf from the school library; where the elf teaches you how to use the library and how he’s there to watch you behave. Still creepy, yet less intimidating. AND a lot less pressure for me.
December 30th, 2011 at 4:17 pm