I want to thank everyone who helped picked the paint color I used. This was by far one of the more fun campaigns I have worked on.
On to the list of winners: (more…)
I had typed up a big long post about how how I lost my iPhone in a NYC cab yesterday. And how it was returned to me. And oh boy, it was a good post. You would have laughed. You would have cried. You would have had your faith in humanity restored.
But an unfortunate backspace key incident wiped the post completely out.
Just now I was scanning through my photos on my phone when I came across the photo above. The person who found my phone in the back of the cab and gave it to the cab driver took a photo of their leg. The only evidence that my phone went on an adventure without me.
Thank you person with jeans and hightop white sneakers for being honest. And thank you cab driver for bringing the phone back to me. You both saved me from flinging myself to the pavement and doing the ugly cry. Because in that little bit of time that I thought my phone was lost forever, I realized that I no longer know any phone numbers. And how do you find your way anywhere without a map on your phone? Or internet access?
Anyway, the Valspar Paint contest has ended. Tune in later today when I will reveal the final winner, as well as recap the other three if you missed them. So exciting. Now I have a lot of counting to do.
Want to know why my daughter has a huge attitude in this photo? Because I am a mean mother who refused to buy her more SillyBandz, or their generic knock-off, while we were out shopping. She has 75 of them that cover her wee, little arm from wrist to elbow, like a cast. If she doesn’t take them off soon her arm is going to atrophy and she will need physical therapy.
And honestly, I’m not entirely sure that isn’t a real possibility.
If you follow me on twitter (@chrisjordan) you know that my 11 yr old son came home from camp. His suitcase packed exactly the way I packed it four days before. And no, he didn’t wear the DAMN WATER SHOES!
It would appear that he had a great time.
What’s up with your hair? Did you put something in it?
Here I get a big long story about the two boys at camp with the longest hair were picked to be in some sort of “game” where they had their hair styled using cake frosting. His hair was styled like a unicorn. This was apparently HI-LAR-IOUS. He did not use shampoo to wash his hair after this. Or any other day after this.
Did you brush your teeth? Please god tell me you brushed your teeth?
You didn’t pack me a toothbrush.
I almost drove my car off the road upon hearing this come out of his mouth and I reminded him of the travel sized tolietries I bought for him and the bag I put them all in.
Ooooooh, I didn’t even open that little bag.
Niiiiice.
Oh my, put your sneakers back on. I am dry heaving.
What?
He did use deodorant. Thank god for small miracles.
I am trying to look on the bright side which is that at least I do not have a suitcase full of dirty clothes to wash! I can use that time to do other things, like dip his sneakers in Febreeze. Scrub him down with bleach and a wire brush. Oh don’t worry, I am only going to scrub the top layer of skin off. It should grow back.
Yesterday I was cleaning up the house and doing some decluttering so I could take photos of my paint job. My finally completed paint job! I kept asking my youngest two to move their clutter behind me. To get their toys behind me. To move themselves behind me.
Finally Miles looked at me and said, “What are we clutter now, too?”
Awww, never, baby.
Now get out of my way.
You will want to go and click over, though, because if seeing my entire new paint job isn’t enough of an incentive, I am going to be giving away a $500 giftcard to Lowe’s. Who doesn’t want to win that?
Tonight I am getting on plane and heading to NYC. I will be gone from my children for 10 days and 10 nights. I have never been away from them for that long.
People have been asking me if I am going to miss the kids and I have been laughing and tos.sing out a hearty, “Heck, no! I am looking forward to a vacation!” While that is true, now that the time is here, I am suddenly stricken by just how many days that is! It is a lot of days. Ten of them. It’s a lot of packing. I told Susan on the phone the other day I think I need a suitcase AND a carry-on, usually I use one or the other.
While I finish packing, because I can never seem to manage to do it before the very last moment, why don’t you go read my latest post over at Alphamom, After the Diagnosis, where I talk about parenting my difficult child, my fears, and my persistent hope that gets me through.
I have mostly been ignoring the emails about BlogHer. A combination of being too busy working, which is a good, good thing and not really having anything to add. Other people have already done a good job covering it all.
Yesterday, I read someone who said anybody who wasn’t freaking out over this conference was a liar. Such a broad brush stroke to paint with.
I am not a liar.
And I am not freaking out. At least not about the conference. Maybe I have too much other stuff going on, things that require my legitimate freak out powers.
Things like sending two of my sons off to sleep-away camp for the first time. My 11 yr old left on Sunday, my 9 yr old is leaving today. I am frantically sharpie-ing everything and begging him to please use his toothbrush and hairbrush.
At the same time as the drop off I somehow need to clone myself and pick up my oldest two sons on complete other side of town. One from football camp and one from driver’s ed.
Somehow I also volunteered to work this afternoon at the concession stand with these same two sons, except that I can’t now because at the exact same time that is going on I need to pick my 11 yr old UP from camp. I am totally pulling out the seven-kid-one-mom card on this one. I apologize in advance, but when else should I use it? Hasn’t pushing seven kids out of my vagina earned me something?
So anyway, onto the Blogher questions in the five minutes I have here eating my gluten free waffle with peanut butter so I can take my prednisone prescription. My life is glamorous!
1) Yes, I will be there! Say hello. I promise not to bite. Unless you want me to, of course.
2) Wear whatever you want that fits the agenda you have for the conference. Are you there to hang out with friends in NYC? Are you there to network as a professional? What is your normal wardrobe like?
In my real life I almost never wear shorts and I never wear capri pants. They are not at all flattering on me as a short person with stubby legs. So you will not see me in either of those things in NYC. In the summer my wardrobe is skirts and sundresses. The only exception to this is when I put on my work out clothes and pretend I am going to exercise. Sometimes I go to Target dressed like that. It is my secret shame.
But what should you wear? Wear the clothes you are comfortable wearing, but as Liz says in her post, make an effort. I only have two new things I am bringing with me: a little black dress and a necklace, neither of which was purchased specifically for the conference. So don’t think everyone is running out shopping in some sort of mass shopping freak-out in an effort to portray themselves as something else, they are not. So think of it as wearing what you normally would wear, just with a bit more effort, like earrings.
What? I always wear a formal gown and boa around town.
Also, I really like shoes. I almost always wear a shoe with a heel on it, because I am short. If you like your cute shoes, wear them! If you are a flats girl, wear them! If you like heels, wear them! Just please wear some sort of shoes.
3) Your favorite bloggers want to meet you. Just don’t run up the them, stick a camera in their face and proclaim yourself their number one stalker. That is creepy.
4) Remember most people are too worried about themselves and their own fear of making mistakes to even notice yours. So lighten up. Have fun. Smile.
5) Saturday night? I am going to be here. Hope to see you.
Phew, now I have exactly 30 seconds to throw on a bra and drive around like a chicken with my head cut off for the next several hours. In the POURING RAIN, which people in Texas treat like snow blizzard in their complete inability to drive their vehicles.
Oh, and did I mention that I am leaving for NYC tomorrow and have not packed yet? So who the hell knows what I will actually be wearing by the time BlogHer itself rolls around.
1. “I love exercising. Honestly, I can’t exercise enough.”
2. “These jeans make my butt look WAY too small.”
3. “I don’t think my children have enough baseball or football practices.”
4. “I wish my little kids would talk more. And screech more. And have more tantrums. And detail further all the ways in which I have wronged them. Especially in the car.”
5. “My house is too clean. It is lacking that lived-in feel.”
6. “I have an even better idea…Let’s get two dogs… and a cat! Hell, let’s move to a farm.”
7. “I love spending all afternoon preparing delicious nutritous food for my children, even if they don’t appreciate it and scoff at the very idea of eating it!”
8. “I love getting my period. I wish it came more often.”
9. “I love doing messy crafts with my children indoors. It doesn’t bother me AT ALL when they splash paint, glue or glitter all over the house. They are just expressing themselves.”
10. “I wish I could find a pair of denim overalls with Winnie the Pooh embroidered on the front pocket for myself.”
11. “All the shorts that they are selling now in the stores are WAY too long and matronly.”
12. “I am completely caught up on laundry.”
13. “The only thing I love more than spending time in the car with my children is grocery shopping with them. I think I might love that more.”
14. “I have too many shoes.”
15. “I have a great idea… Let’s go to Toys R Us. I don’t think you kids have enough toys!”
16. “Would you kids just run around and shout more, for crying out loud! I am so sick and tired of you guys just sitting there, quietly playing games and singing hymns together.”
17. “My boobs are just TOO BIG!”
18. “Please buy as many songs as you want on iTunes. I don’t mind getting a surprise $200 charge! At all. After all, you do so much around the house to earn that kind of money!”
19. “I wish it were hotter in Texas.”
20. “I love exercising! Honestly, I can not exercise enough!”
Don’t forget to click over to the Laughing Cow Hub and enter for your chance to win a $150 gift card. Or enter the photo caption contest for your chance at winning $100 every week. Go on, I have faith in you people to be funny.
One of my good friends here in TX became a U.S. citizen this past month. I believe she has lived here for over twenty years now, married, four kids and she decided that it was finally time. I teased her that she just wanted an excuse to throw a party and buy all the deeply discounted Fourth of July decorations.
Because she throws the best parties. Obviously the theme of this party was America and she served foods that were stereotypical American foods. Something the all the children LOVED. I don’t think I have ever seen the children hit the buffet table so many times at a party.
The little kids are all playing a game called “Pass the Parcel” where a prize is wrapped up in multiple layers of gift wrap. The prize gets passed around the circle until the music, or in this case karaoke singing, stops. The person who is holding it when the music stops gets to unwrap a layer. The final person gets to keep the prize.
This game could also be renamed, “Watch Miles Cry.”
The menu included corn dogs, chicken fingers, cracker jacks, hamburgers, corn-on-the-cob, vodka. What?
My daughter also let me put a bow in her hair which is nothing short of miraculous. She has decided that she doesn’t like to have anything in her hair, prompting me to say multiple times per day, “Get that mop out of your face!” And then I die a little because I have turned into my mother.
Miles prefered to eat his hot dog sans bun. Raw. When we were all getting dressed I reminded the kids that we were supposed to try and wear red, white, and blue clothing. Miles picked out his camo shorts and “Gwateful Dead” shirt, because it is “blue, red, and cool.” Then he flashed me the hook ‘em horns sign. Next time I can going to let him wear his concealed gun and holster so that his metamorphosis into a Texan is complete.
![photo[1]RED-WHITE-BLUE](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4081/4826312591_ef202efa13.jpg)
And if there is ever a time to wear your red hooker shoes, this would be it.
Want to know how to torment Susan? Text her this photo and ask her advice about getting the skirt unwrinkled. As soon as she mentions the word “iron” interupt to remind her that you do not own one. She falls for it every single time. I think she is just in such strong denial that someone could live a full life without an iron. She loves when I do that. She has also ironed my clothes for me at Blogher in the past. So really it is a win-win all around.
It was loads of fun. But by 1am, this was the reoccurring scene hanging off my lap. So we packed up and walked, skateboarded, bike rode home like a band of drunken hooligan Christmas patriotic carolers. I am sure the neighborhood loved it. I need to work hard to maintain my rif-raf image, you know.
But before I send you on the rabbit trail around the Internet, let me tell you about bra shopping. It sucks. I know my friends with big boobs are always complaining that they can’t find “cute” bras, something which makes me roll my eyes, because when you get to have all the cleavage who cares about the cute factor of your bra. But I am here to tell you that as someone with virtually no boobs, I am sick of shopping in the juniors department. I do not want a bra with Hello Kitty on it, or peace signs, or hearts. My boobs may be small, but I need a bra that will hoist the little I do have back up to where it belongs. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently the answer to that question is: Yes!
Also, I do not want my bra to add two cup sizes. What if someone bangs into me and my boobs dent? That would just be embarrassing.
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The first thing I want to tell you about is my new writing gig over at alphamom. I am so thrilled to be writing there and working for one of my most favorite people. There are so many people writing about parenting babies and as you all know, I have no more babies. (Fist pump in the air!) So every week I will be writing about parenting older kids, teenagers, and the stuff that goes along with it. My first post is up and it contains the 7 Universal Truths About Raising Teenagers. And they are all true. Especially the one about not being able to kill you teenagers because they are too big to bury alone.
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I am also working on a fun new thing at BlogHer, the Daily Laugh. Every day I will have a post up linking to a funny blog post. So I command you to be funny, people. And tell me if you read anything you think is too funny not to share. And every Monday there will be a photo captioning contest. Look at the photo, come up with a funny caption for the chance to win $100 every week! Yes, it is that easy. I hope you will all join me over there, afterall, who doesn’t love to laugh?
*****
I need a new avatar photo of myself. The one I use everywhere is so old that Miles was a small baby sitting next to me in the photo and I cropped him out.
*****
I made this delicious corn and feta cheese salad/side dish and posted the recipe over at Work It, Mom. Click here. Coming up with side dishes are the bane of my cooking existence, and if that is yours too run over there and make this. It is easy, delicious, and interesting enough to serve to guests.
