It’s That Time of Year

February 2, 2010

Last night the boys had baseball try-outs. Not the sort where they send you home and say too bad you can’t play, this is just to evaluate the kids and place them on teams.

On the other hand, my oldest son has spent the week trying out for the high school baseball team. It is a highly competitive team. Lots of boys trying out. Lots of boys who play baseball really well. He won’t know anything until tomorrow. Every night when he came home exhausted I would ask him how it went. I reminded him that he is not competing against all of those other boys, he is competing with himself. That his mindset isn’t supposed to be that he has to be better than all of those other kids, rather that he has to be the best that he can be. A subtle, but important distinction I think.

Every day he answered that he performed his best. So now we all just cross our fingers and wait. Feel free to cross your fingers along with us.

I write the kids little notes and stick them in their lunchbags when they have special things going on, big tests, whatever. The majority of the time the little notes go unmentioned. Sometimes I wonder if they really care about the notes or if they just roll their eyes and toss them out. Not that it matters, I think I write the notes for myself as much as for them.

This morning I was gathering the dirty laundry from my sons’ bedrooms (the laundry room is apparently a secret, invisible room because none of them can find it) and I saw this:

the note I had written him earlier in the week sitting on his bedside table, a little slice of his teenage life. Even though he would probably protest, I think he likes the notes.

The EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES Keep Rolling In

January 31, 2010

Generally, I stay away from blogging about anything that isn’t directly related to my life. Politics, religion, parenting debates, the work of blogging are all things I just don’t really write about. But then I get a PR pitch that hits every low point a PR pitch can hit and I can’t help myself.

99% of the PR pitches I get sent are spectacularly awful.

They are addressed to the wrong person. Hello, I am not Mom101, though my email address begins with “N” which comes right after “M” so that must be confusing. Unless you do something like proofread.

They are addressed to no one. Just a blank after Ms.___

Or they say [blog name here]. Whoops. Or maybe I am just supposed to fill my own name in as I read.

Or they are for things that don’t fit into my life AT ALL and if the person sending the emails read even a couple of posts they would know that. (I don’t have any babies. I am not overweight– though thank you for making me think of my jiggly ass. And just who the hell is Dr Oz? And no I don’t want to be on a conference call with some pseudo-celebrity so I can blog about it.)

Or they are riddled with spelling errors, bad grammar, and an overenthusiastic use of explanation points!!!

The other day I got an email with the subject line “Enter subject here.” Major FAIL right there.

Generally I will forward these spectacularly bad emails onto my friends and we laugh at them.

But then sometimes I get one that is just bad. The entire pitch is just bad. And the company behind the pitching is large enough to know better.

Then there is the realization that there are bloggers out there who are accepting these sort of pitches with open arms. And that makes me even more angry.

date: Fri, Jan 22, 2010 at 1:28 PM
subject: Last Chance To Participate In [xxxxx] Blogging Program!

Hello Chris!

I previously contacted you about our [xxxxx] Blogging Program. I am reaching out to you again so you don’t miss out on this great opportunity for yourself and your readers.

[xxxxx] is launching an all new high-performance [item] and its [xxxxx] biggest innovation in 25 years! We’ll be making a big announcement with the start of the 2010 Winter Olympics. We wanted to make sure you didn’t miss out. Please let me know if you are interesting in hearing about this special promotion before everyone else so that you can share that with your readers in early February. There will be sampling opportunities available for you.

We’d love to have you be a part of this blogging program. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Great opportunity? Sampling opportunities? What does this mean, I wonder?

And, at least she got my name right.

date Fri, Jan 22, 2010 at 1:47 PM
subject Re: Last Chance To Participate In [xxxxx] Blogging Program!

Maybe I am confused, but what exactly are you offering me?

dateFri, Jan 22, 2010 at 2:17 PM
subjectRE: Last Chance To Participate In [xxxxx] Blogging Program!

Chris,

Here is some more information for you. If you have any more questions please let me know.

[Lengthy description of their product and why it is so awesome with a strange tie-in the the Olympic games which makes me think of Baby Olympics and babies having crawling races...]

Now let’s discuss the actual blogging program in greater detail. The program is in two parts – (1) an early February post focusing on the Olympic games celebration and free samples and (2) an early March post where you review the diapers for yourself and see just how much of a game changer the new [xxxxx] are (we also have great [xxxxx] giveaways—INCLUDING FREE DIAPERS AND A DESIGNER DIAPER CLUTCH— to include with your review)!

[blah, blah, blah send us your address, blah blah blah]

Um, what? I feel like I am missing something here. Like the part where it is an exciting opportunity FOR ME.

I know what you are thinking… A FREE DIAPER CLUTCH! NO WAY!!!! That must be the exciting part. It is in all caps afterall.

dateFri, Jan 22, 2010 at 9:26 PM
subjectRe: Last Chance To Participate In Pampers’ Blogging Program!

I am still unclear what sort of “opportunity” this is for me? You are asking me to blog TWICE about your product in exchange for some diapers??

Chris

dateMon, Jan 25, 2010 at 12:22 PM
subjectRE: Last Chance To Participate In Pampers’ Blogging Program!

Chris,
Yes there are 2 posts now and then you would receive the diapers along with the giveaway for your readers.[Blah blah blah]

FREE DIAPERS AND A DESIGNER DIAPER CLUTCH [blah blah blah]
Thank you,

dateMon, Jan 25, 2010 at 12:32 PM
subjectRe: Last Chance To Participate In Pampers’ Blogging Program!

I don’t even have any children who are diaper wearing age.

Do you have adult diapers?

chris

I don’t know why I asked this. But honestly I was getting annoyed by the refusal to acknowledge that there was no exciting opportunity for me.

Chris,
We do not have adult diapers. If you know anyone with children you can test it on them and then write a review about it on your site. For this program to move forward to the free samples and giveaways you have to do a review.

Ok, that is just weird. “Hi, Miquelina? Can I borrow your baby for a few days? You see there is this exciting opportunity for me to test out some diapers…”

dateMon, Jan 25, 2010 at 1:26 PM
subjectRe: Last Chance To Participate In Pampers’ Blogging Program!

No, for this program to move forward you would have to pay me money. Offering compensation in the form of diapers and pretending as though it is an “opportunity” for me is frankly insulting. The “opportunity” is for you to get free advertising. The ads I run on my site pay me a whole lot more than a package of diapers.

I am willing to bet that you are being paid in actual dollars for your work. Although I suppose I could be wrong… do you get paid in diapers and other products?

chris

I never heard back.

Perhaps she got paid last week and is trying to sell those diapers on craigslist.

Snow Angels, Texas Style

January 27, 2010

Baked Apple French Toast

January 26, 2010

I forgot to link to this post about entertaining recession style. Basically I wrote about having people over for brunch instead of dinner. Much less expensive, both from the meal perspective and the fact that you don’t need a babysitter on a Sunday morning. I forgot to mention the mimosas. And bacon. Hmmmm, I feel a second post coming on…

Anyway, you will want to make this. My kids all gave it two ethusiastic thumbs up. God knows the last time that happened.

(Link fixed!)

Sunday Scenes

My daughter had to make a recipe for a school assignment. They are studying following directions. or writing instructions. or something. I am not entirely sure. I do know that we were supposed to make a “family recipe” over the weekend. Then write the recipe down.

She made the old family recipe, Rice Krispies treats.

Afterward I remarked to a friend that I hoped all the other kids didn’t come in with these amazing “family” recipes. I could just imagine a little first grade cookbook filled with Chicken Cordon Bleu, homemade sausage from organically hand fed pigs– that were raised in their backyard, or their great-grandmothers secret herb encrusted tenderloin. Meanwhile our recipe came from the side of the cereal box.

But your daughter did it all herself.

And everyone loves Rice Krispies treats.

The thing is even when you purposefully opt out of the competimom arena, the guilt that fuels this sort of competitiveness is still there. [And whoa, boy are the mothers competitive here. Something which makes me want to slack off even more. Though I want to point out that I too could hand weave my daughter's clothing out of wool shorn from alpacas raised in a Tibetan lesbian commune, I choose not to. Because I have better things to do with my time. Things like blink and breathe and stare into space. As I am being judged, so am I judging. Get a life! Even if it is a boring and lonely one!]

I remember one time we used food coloring to dye our Rice Krispies treats and make them more festive. Instead the red dye made it look like a huge pan of raw hamburger meat. It was not really the festive look I was going for, though it was horrifyingly awesome. If they had to bring their “family recipe” into school I might have done it again.

*****

My 10 yr old son had to do a science project. He decided at the last possible minute to change his project idea. The question he was trying to answer was: how does weight affect* the speed of a skateboard traveling downhill. What better way to spend a Saturday morning than risking grave bodily injury in the name of science. It was fun.

Putting together the posterboard, not as much fun for the 10yr old. I gave him two sided tape and patted myself on the back for eliminating the mess of glue! Tape! So easy! I am genius!

At 11:30 Sunday night, after all the little kids were in bed and had been sound asleep for hours, I picked the posterboard up from where it was laying on the floor. I wanted to move it over to where the backpacks are kept so that we didn’t accidentally leave it at home. I picked it up and EVERYTHING SLID RIGHT OFF. Into a pile at my feet. I stood there in disbelief for a few seconds.

Then I began the arduous task of gluing everything onto the posterboard.

In between the disbelief and the gluing there may have been a stream of expletives that escaped from my mouth. But that is probably best left unmentioned.

If his life had a soundtrack, this would be the album cover.

It is also the same look he had on his face when he came downstairs in the morning and saw his poster.

Why does it look different?

The things are in different places and stuff?

I explained to him what happened.

Well, YOU bought the tape.

The only reason I didn’t throttle him is because after only 3.5 hours of sleep I just didn’t have the strength. I am pencilling in the throttling for some time next week.

* Everyone needs a friend they can text at 10pm: HELP! EMERGENCY ENGLISH GRAMMAR QUESTION!! And have them respond right away.

Monkey Bars of Life

January 23, 2010

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
– Havelock Ellis

Sometimes it is difficult to get the courage.

But I can’t let go, Mommy.

Maybe I will just hang here. I am good at hanging.

You can do it!

But how do I let go?

Just reach out, baby. Let go and reach out.

But what if I fall?

I did it! I did it!

Yes, you did!

Now what do I do?

You do it all over again.

And maybe when you get down you zip your fly. Ok?

My Life As A Lifetime Movie

January 22, 2010

I posed this question over at twitter, but thought I would ask it here too.

Back story: Yes, this relates to the crazy neighbor and her bully children.

Every single day on the bus and as they are getting off of the bus the 11 (12?) yr old boy teases, taunts and is rude and nasty to my 9 and 10 yr old sons. Most of it is directed to my 9 yr old. He calls him “faggot,” “gay,” “retarded,” “stupid” Basically any word that you can think of that would be an insult in the vernacular of an 11/12 yr old. He taunts them to fight him, saying that they are afraid of him.

I guess he has forgotten how my 9yr old, who was 8 at the time, punched him in self defense causing the kid to run home crying to his mom. Literally. He trips my son while he is getting off the bus. It is just unrelenting. His 10 yr old sister is also a bully and has taken to saying things to my boys as well.*

And while I have been proud of the way my boys have been ignoring him, there is only so much a child (person) can endure before they are pushed to their breaking point. And my sons, one in particular, are reaching that point. They are not at all fearful. They are stressed. They are angry. And guess who gets to bear the brunt of their anger? Yup, their family.

My neighbor witnessed the behavior coming off of the bus the other day and told me about it. Her description made it seem even worse than my boys were telling me, more aggressive and less sneaky.

On the one hand I feel bad for these kids. Kids don’t consistently behave this way without reason and given the way I have seen their mother behave I know where it comes from. But on the other, much bigger and less empathetic hand, I don’t really care WHY they are acting this way I just want it to stop.

So long-winded explaination to get to the question:

At what point do you stop telling your kids to ignore it and “allow” them to fight back?

****

I have sat on this post for a couple of days thinking about the situation. And what really bothers me is the way adults are ignoring it. People love to talk to talk about taking bullying seriously, but in reality they just turn their heads because it isn’t their kid, or their problem, or they don’t want to get involved and incur the crazy neighbor lady’s wrath. I have actually heard one parent say exactly this even though their child was being called names also.

You can say that you are just not taking sides if that makes you feel better. But doing nothing is also making a choice. Standing by and ignoring that a kid is yelling and taunting another kid is making a choice. And we collectively wonder why children stand by and allow other children to get picked on. Or worse.

****

In the end, of course, I preach non-violence. I tell them about taking the high road. And the loving your enemies bullshit. But mostly I tell them about extending kindness when none is deserved, which is also called being merciful. That’s what being strong is about– it is making the choice to not beat up someone because they anger you and call you names, EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD. That choice is infinitely more difficult. That choice does not make you weak. It makes you stronger.

*The boys have not wanted me to call the school with every incident that happens. Insisting they can handle it themselves. And that it will just get worse if they “tattle.” Truthfully, I don’t want to be that parent either. This week it has just been too overwhelming and I told them the decision has been taken out of their hands. I called the school. My 10 yr old talked to the bus driver. They seem relieved to no longer be carrying the burden.

And I wait for CPS or the police to be at my door again. I know it is coming.

I just organized all my kid’s pencils and magic markers in anticipation.

End of the Line

January 18, 2010

Miles with his birthday mug. I bought it a few years ago when I still called him by the nickname Caboose. I only let him use it on his birthday because otherwise it would have been broken a few years ago.

Edited to add: His birthday was actually last month, December 12 to be exact. I have been going back through my year of photos and realizing all of the things I had meant to write about, but never did. Because I ran out of time, or they weren’t worthy of a whole post. But things I don’t want to forget. So I thought that I would just randomly post them on the weekends. Sorry that wasn’t clear. What can’t you all read my mind yet? Sheesh!

Christmas is Offically Over

I have finally taken down my Christmas decorations. Notice I did not say put away my Christmas decorations. They are all currently residing in bins and boxes in the room that should be the dining room.

Except that: 1) I do not have dining room furniture. 2) The room has very light colored carpeting so there is no way in hell that anyone is eating in there. And 3) The room is incredibly small.

So I have taken to calling it that room. You know the room over there in the front of the house. The empty room for crying out loud. It depends on the situation which moniker I use. Everyone just pretends they have no idea what I am talking about anyway so it doesn’t really matter.

Right now I am calling it the room where Christmas threw up.

I have also told people I love not to let me buy another Christmas decoration. Should I attempt to purchase any holiday themed item next year they should pick me up and carry me out of the store. In fact if I pick up one sparkling bauble and utter the phrase, “I need this…” they should just shoot me.

Lessons in Parenting

January 15, 2010

I bought this huge glass jar before Christmas. It is filled with those red and white plastic wrapped mint candies. I had it sitting out on the counter, looking pretty, when the kids came home from school.

Oooohhhh, candy!

Can we eat them, Mom? Huh? Can we?

It was then that I had a vision. My candy jar emptied before the week was over. And with that, cellophane wrappers stuffed in between the couch cushions, in the washing machine, on the floor.

It is just a decoration.

What, Mom?

It is just a decoration. The candy is not real.

They get in really close to the glass jar for a closer look.

Wow, they look so real.

I know, it is amazing.

It is now January 15th and the jar is still filled to the top.

*****

The week before Christmas my eldest son had final exams. Because of his good grades, he was able to waive 3 of his final exams. He ended up with a day off of school that fell right before the day of his toughest class, Spanish.

Perfect, I thought, for having an entire day to devote to studying!

Perfect, he thought, for having an entire day to devote to sleeping, eating junk food, and watching tv.

Even though tv watching is forbidden on school days.*

He sat on the couch and literally DID NOTHING. Other than annoy me with his lazy attitude. Because time is a wastin’. Get cracking on that studying! Where is your study guide? Your vocabulary words written on notecards– color coded by parts of speech? Your textbook?

I had errands to run and I knew as soon as I left the house he would turn the tv on. I was a teenager once. So on my way out the door I turned the tv to the guide channel and then slipped the remote control into my purse.

Our tv can not be changed without the remote.

I said goodbye and Miles and I left. At one point Miles saw the remote control in my bag.

Mama, why is the remote in your purse?

You are so silly, mama.

We arrive home several hours later and I can tell my son is annoyed. He can’t really tell me that he was trying to watch tv, since it was expressly forbidden, can he?

He was helping to put the groceries away when suddenly Miles pipes up.

Don’t forget to take the wemote out of your purse, Mama.

I looked at my teenage son. He looked at me, mouth agape. I began laughing.

You have just been busted by your 5 year old!

I continue to laugh uncontrollably.

I can’t believe you took the remote control with you. Do you know how long I spent looking for it?

Clutching my sides I manage to squeak out:

Weren’t you supposed to be studying? Why were you looking for the remote to turn the tv on?

Well, well…. I, uh, well… I wanted to check the weather.

At that point I had to sit down I was laughing so hard. Even he was laughing at the absurdity of it all.

*****
If you are having a frank discussion about sex and STDs with your teenagers, make sure to work the words “oozing warty penis” in as often as possible. Judging by the looks of abject horror on my sons’ faces, and the way they protectively clutched their business, it is better than any abstinence talk. Of course they may need years of therapy to recover.

*****

To sum up, good luck out there. This parenting thing makes us act CRAZY.

*For reasons unknown I have eased up on this since winter break. But I am about to put my foot back down because if I have one more kid “remember” a homework assignment and wave it in my face at 6am at the breakfast table AFTER TELLING ME THEY HAVE NO HOMEWORK, I might just explode.